Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm bound to fall for you

I thought since that past few posts were serious I thought I'd do one that was more fun.  I was discussing with a friend what celebrities I was were gay, so I can make out with them (not that I'd have a chance). We discussed for a while and then I decided on my top ten.
10. Adam Lavine: The Lead singer of Maroon 5, not necessarily my favorite band but not a band one.  I love his tattoos and I love that he's a musician.  He is one good looking dude.
Channing Tatum GQ shirtless motorcycle leather
9. Tatum Channing: I do not like him as an actor and most of the movies he is in are stupid.  However they are worth seeing just because he is so damn beautiful.
8. Craig David: Probably my favorite R&B singer.  A lot of people don't know him, he is more popular in the UK where he is from.  But if you remember the song "7 Days" from a while back, that was him.
Will Arnett Pics
7. Will Arnett: Some maybe surprised he is on the list.  However I think some of you know how much I like him.  He is super funny and not too bad on the eyes. The good news he at least is part of the best celebrity couple ever to exist.
6. George Clooney: He's old yes, however he is super good looking.  I also love almost all the movies he is in.  I can't say that he is the most amazing actor ever, however he is good at choosing them.
5. Chris Carrabba: Hello he is super good looking, has great tattoos, and is the lead singer of my favorite band.  Obviously he is on my list.
Ryan Reynolds Pictures
4. Ryan Reynolds: Damn... enough said. But I'm not convinced he is not gay.
3. James Franco: He has that bad ass pretty boy thing that James Dean had.
2. Ryan Gosling: I don't know what it is about Ryan Gosling, but something about him has me attracted to his soul as well.  He is one good looking dude
1. Matt Damon: Surprise! I want to make out with Jason Bourne.  I think this was the no brainer number one.  I think almost every guy wants to be Jason Bourne, I do.  However I'd settle with just making out with him.

So that is my list, Anderson Cooper would be on it but he's already gay.  I thought he'd be worth mentioning though.  I do hold the right to change my mind though.  However, I doubt I would change my number one spot... its Jason Bourne.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Now I'm dealing with the way that it is.

This is part of a message I sent to an old friend.  I have edited some more, because if you know me you know I suck at grammer and am good at confusing sentences.  Its like many teachers have said to my parents, "Mark is smart, he just needs to slow down."  Then proceeding to illustrate how my speed has increased my mistakes.  Any way I also ramble, I am a May.

Me and the Church. Well I have and always will have a testimony of Christ and his role in our lives. My relationship with the church started changing on the mision when I found out blacks couldn't have the priesthood. Before that I never really questioned much. On my mission I just put that on the back burner. When I got home I meditated on it for a long time. It was really hard for me to accept. Then I came to the conclusion that the church has policies and doctrine. A lot of things were and are influenced by society. As much as that sounds bad to many of my friends. Brigham Young was racist, he let his misconceptions about a race influence who was granted the full blessings of the gospel. It did not change any individuals chance for achieving their mortal purpose. 

That got me questioning everything in the church that seemed to be contradictory. My mind has changed the purpose of the temple and its covenants, or all covenants for that matter. The history of polygamy, modesty, guidelines and even the church's role in our salvation. 

As far as me and the church currently. I don't fit into its current version. God gave me direction and told me what I should do. He has lead me to people who have helped me understand my sexuality, my shame and the complications. I am still learning. I am still constantly paying attention to the guidance of God. 

Logically and spiritually I have come a long way. My emotion has a long way to catch up. Like I said in my latest post, the church is a major shame enforcer in my life. Once I finally graduate, I am unsure if I will continue to go to church. I have stayed true to my covenants in the temple. Although, there are specific things I've changed because it is a constant reminder of how inferior to others I feel. I still enjoy my book of mormon studies and prayer. Those two daily activities are more important than ever for me. Especially the praying. The church does not fulfill its purpose in my life, at least in its traditional practice. Believe me I've tried to change myself, my cognition towards church, and had many discussions with bishops and stake presidents. 

I'll have to admit I am deeply hurt by the church. I have put my heart and soul into it. I have worked with ecclesiastical leaders. Something always seemed wrong, I always felt wrong. It has nothing to do with my testimony of the Book of Mormon or the restoration. I was uneasy about the answers about my role in the church being an abstenant single man. I accepted that for a couple of years, it was a progression from "I will fix my 'sexual brokenness.'" I tried to fix it believe me. The church has failed me, because it has been put in the hands of imperfect souls. However God has not, I owe my allegiance to him. 

My mind went from seeing in black and white and started seeing color. Life is much better that way, at least for me. Its easier for me to cope with my imperfections. I am starting to see things as variety, as opposed to rigid limited definitions. This new color vision helps me understand how I could end this stagnent spirituality. I have grown more spiritually in a week of this pain than I have my entire mission. 

I realize this is abstract and may sound like the mumblings of a man apostatizing. I know what this sounds like. However it is like you said I need to concern myself with what God thinks. I answer to him. I have to be abstract with my thinking, I disqualify as the church's ideal. 

As for the Mark May that you knew, I am that person still. I am just a more complete version. I am not pushing away from my testimony. I am strengthening it. I have learned much more compassion, patience, and understanding. I have become less judgmental and excluding. I used to judge people harshly that didn't finish college in the 4-5 year time span (excluding a mission). It is now over 10 years since I graduated high school (although, I did take a significant amount of time off, excluding my mission). God really put me in my place there

***If you know what song this post's title is from I will be super impressed. Also if you haven't noticed yet my titles are lyrics to various songs.  So if you don't know the song google the line and maybe you'll find a new song or even artist to love.***

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I love the way you lie

A couple of weeks ago at a group therapy session I had a horrific panic attack.  It was painful and my embarrassment was fuel.  Its amazing how long I have been trying to fix myself.  Trying to find a way to be happy, a way to be useful in this society.  It has been a long road.  Maybe road is not a word for it.  The word road brings to mind a nicely paved part of the earth that help us travel.  The word makes it seem more like its an aid in life.  This journey for me feels more like I am in a jungle that combines all the various dangers and complications any jungle can bring.  I have been fighting my way through.  I feel like I am going in circles.  I try to trust others when they say that they've seen progress.

I see progress, but its negated by my perfectionist mind.  I convince myself that my progress isn't progress just luck of circumstance.  I can no longer deny that I am not fat anymore.  However I still view myself as chubby.  I can no longer deny that I am not fit, but I feel like I should be more capable.  I can not deny that I have people who love me, who care, who want me to be happy and pray for my success, but I feel unworthy of it.

I think this is the root of my problem.  The shame I feel for existing, for using resources that are better suited for someone who isn't a lost cause.  Society would benefit from someones else's recovery.  My self hatred was passed on from my father and reenforced through my interactions with my family, church, schools, and peers.  Until a couple years I came home from my mission I was successful at hiding my inner self.  As with most people, a lack of authenticity can't last a life time.  As I have been fighting my way through the jungle my life has been hell.

The jungle can symbolically represent many things in my life.  It can be the facade I nourished and grew through out my life.   Now that I can no longer sustain my life in that manner, I must journey to a more open and authentic self.  Being my authentic self can help me to gain confidence in myself, teach me that my existence has value.

The jungle could also be the shame I have developed.  Shame is not necessarily a bad thing, but the shame I experience is toxic.  I have to get through the shame, adress it, and push through it.  I can no longer sit and wait for someone to rescue me from it.  I am lost in it and desperately want out.   It has caused and continues to cause pain, hunger, and ensures loneliness.  Leaving the shame behind will help me to build a sense of self.  I can gain confidence in not that I am an amazing person, but gain confidence that I have value and can contribute in this society despite my flaws.

The jungle could also an obstacle in my life that have to push through.  It will make me stronger, more wise, more compassionate.  This trial can help me achieve my purpose in life, to gain Christlike attributes and improve my soul.  Ending this trial can bring happiness.  Happiness is always at its greatest directly after a depressive experience.  This depressive experience has lasted years, the pain that was hidden for so long has become undeniable.  The pain has been debilitating and loosing it will enable me.

I could go on with the symbolism of my life trying to get through this jungle, but its getting way too cliche for comfort.  The point of this is my life is shitty.  I hate myself.  I want to change and am struggling to find the mechanism that will bring the desired result... my happiness.

I have made some big changes due to in part of my panic attack in group.  That panic attack forced me to realize that I have not been as authentic as I thought and that I am still extremely guarded.  I also realized the role of the church in my life.  As much as I love the church, I love many of its teachings and how it has helped me to develop my core beliefs, I realized that it is a major enforcer of my shame.  Just like I need my space from my father, another major shame re enforcer, I need my space from the church.  I knew that I needed that space a while ago, however the space is not large enough.  So I have made some changes that were a daily reminder of my shame and have deadly toxicity.

These changes have hurt someone dear to me and when some others learn of this change it will likely hurt them as well.  Its hard for some to understand my decisions, I want so desperately to convince them that I am in the right for validation my decision.  However, I need to start trusting myself.  I need build confidence in my decision making and stop relying on others validation.

I want to make my friends and family proud by conquering this debilitating factor of my life.  I will continue to refer to the words that suggest the temporary nature of this self hatred.  That I will be free of this burden.  I am told that one day I will look back and realize that it works out in the end.  One day I hope to be the support to someone who feel the way I do and confidently believe the words "It gets better."

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Saturday, November 19, 2011

You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first.

Yes I agree, this is not discuss the church's stance. It is here to give accountability to Daily Universe for what they publish. That being said I'm not going to discuss the moral do's and don'ts of homosexuality. None of us are in any position to judge others, we as "moral" society struggle with this. Homosexuality is one of the many subjects that seems to bring the judgment out. I would also go as far as to say that it brings out more judgment than many aspects of a person, but I am likely heavily biased.

This judgment has often been expressed in hateful ways, such as the most recent letter to the editor. Homosexuality is highly correlated with heightened levels of shame (this may just be anecdotal). Heightened levels of shame can lead to self harm in all of there forms. Although we are not accountable for other's actions, we are accountable for our actions and how they may have affected others (to a point).

As a "Christian" university this in an area in which we need improvement. The improvements that would have the most effect would be in the administration and maybe even some of the faculty. Obviously there are students who are hatefully judging us, the administration is making a very difficult for students use education on this matter as a source. There is a group on campus that they refuse to recognize that was founded as way to help educate people who misunderstand homosexuality. Rather than helping the BYU LGBQT feel comfortable and accepted as human beings, the administration as chosen to deny a health dialogue.

Yes shame on DU for publishing this letter, this letter can never be unprinted. Those words can never be taken back. Those words can give a person enough energy to the self hated individual to end his or her life. So to help promote tolerance and acceptance of people, our straight allies can be our voices to the administration. They seem to become increasingly unresponsive to the LGTBQ population. I think we all can be more understanding of each other's differences, my self included. It always come back to the principle of Charity, of which Christ is our best example. I hope as a community of intellectually gifted individuals we can use our cognitive powers to promote Christ's principles.

This was a comment I posted on the ShameOnYouDU Facebook page that was created in response to a letter that was published in the Daily Universe.

Monday, November 7, 2011

The Person Underneath Where Does He Go?

I hate feeling like my integrity is questionable. People not knowing that I am gay makes me feel like I am lying to people. I wanted to find a way to let people know with out having the conversation. So I got a rainbow friendship bracelet. I had to order it online because I have no idea of where to buy it in a store out here. I received it friday and started wearing it immediately, but I didn't go anywhere that night. Saturday I wore it most of the day, but I has some difficulties with the knot. Sunday I wore it all day... even at church and today was the first day that I wore it at school.

Although for many this wouldn't a feat. For me it was a big deal, I worry about a lot of ramifications. Worst case scenario people would rise up against me and I'd get kicked out with only a month left. Worst case realistic scenario people would say hateful things. Most likely scenario people will see it some will judge, some will think "that makes sense," some may be shocked and others won't even care. I am also weary of being stereotyped. If you know me you know I hate stereotypes, even though they are unavoidable. There are countless rational and irrational fears and anxieties associated with wearing the bracelet on BYU campus. So why the hell did I do it.

I already discussed the whole integrity issue, but its more than just integrity. I want to feel more authentic. I want to feel like I am being me, like most people. When people don't know this big aspect of my life it makes me feel less authentic. However, coming out to every person I come in contact with is weird and awkward. So this was a way to help me feel like I am truly out.

I also want to help relive the some of the same that is attached to it. If I know that people realize that I am gay and still treat me the same, then I can have more peace. I am afraid of being judged unfairly. I realize I am not perfect or even close, however I do think that I have a kind heart (sometimes). Some will still judge me harshly but honestly how many will actually talk to me about it. Its kind of awkward to ask another about their sexual orientation, especially in an environment where it is considered to have only one righteous combination.

So far I am happy I am wearing. It'll take a while for me to be completely comfortable, but this is a step. When Carol lynn Pearson spoke to us thursday she talked about the importance of letting members know who we are. Giving them our faces to associate homosexuality with can promote change. Most of us gays are good people. Just like most of you straights are good people. We have diversity just like you straight folk. So putting diverse personalities to the faces of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender persons will bring to life reality. We are people just like you, not sinful spawns of the devil.

I will continue to wear it and with time maybe even with pride. My name is Mark May, I have brown hair and eyes, brown skin in the summer and surprisingly big feet.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Jupither - I Kissed a Boy

I came across this song today... I like it.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Little Wet Tears On Your Baby's Shoulder

Its late and I should be sleeping, but I really wanted to write this while my emotions were raw to promote more honesty. I just finished the TV show Parenthood, one of my favorites. When I watch it I like to watch it alone, or with someone I trust. That's kind of a weird requirement of mine, but I have good reasons. Parenthood is a drama about a family and the interactions as life happens. I get emotional just about every episode.

My emotional intensity varies depending on my company. When I am around people I only know on a superficial level my emotionality is held back. When I am alone I feel safe, thats when the most intense emotion is expressed. For example, tonight I was teary eyed most of the episode. The tears came for different reasons, out of pain, envy, sadness, and even pride. I'll even cry at the Office or Parks and Recreation. The genre I am currently viewing isn't as much as factor in determining my emotionality as one would guess. Content and company play much bigger role.

When the content is focused on families, compassion, emotional intimacy, and/or emotional pain I become emotional. However company plays a bigger role. Society has really conditioned me to hid the sensitive side of me. Since I'm gay the stereotype suggests that I should be more emotional. Its a good thing I am not a stereotype.

I like to watch shows that get me emotional by myself because its a form of coping. I allow my self to relate to the characters, feel their emotion. In feeling their emotion I consequently feel mine. Since I am such an introverted person when it comes to negative emotion, I need an outlet to feel. TV shows like Parenthood is another cathartic experience other than music.

I say adieu, the gabapentin has set in. It supposed to help with pain as well. Its too bad that it doesn't help with the frontal lobe pain that is way too frequent. I hope I will be capable of having a relationship with a guy that I can star in my own version of parenthood.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This is Fact not Fiction

Today is national coming out day. I thought about coming out on Facebook. Then I realized that the reason I don't use the phrase "I'm gay," or any other combination of words that define my sexuality, in my introduction is I want my sexual orientation be a part of my identity, not the defining factor. Coming out experiences often lead to using sexual orientation as the dominate identifier when pointing out or describing an individual.

I don't want to hide my sexuality, even though I do sometimes. I hide it because of worry. I worry that my relationships with others will change in an undesirable way. I worry about the thoughts that go through people's head when they find out. I worry about people trying to "help" by telling me about some article about homosexuality from the brethren. My pronouncement is a quote from a personal archived mental newspaper, not the latest headline. My worry of being kicked out of school or my apartment may seem irrational. In fact all of my worries may seem irrational. The truth is they come from learning about other's experiences or previous personal ones. So my worries have validity.

I want to be defined by my interets, likes and dislikes, abilities (even though they are few), personality, and any other aspect of my life. * Warning the next few sentences will be cliche, I'm sure you've heard it before.* If I were straight I wouldn't be defined by my sexuality, but since I'm gay some use it as the identifier. I have said it before, I want to be known as Mark May, not the gay guy in the ward (or whatever group I am associated with). I am not a stereotype and don't want to be treated as one. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. I don't like Glee, Lady Gaga, or project runway. I do not like Halloween as stated in a recent Facebook post. However, I have been described as domestic. I dress some of my sisters and am often the source of fashion advice. One of my favorite movie categories is "Drama." So I do fit some of the stereotypes, but not all.

I realize that the existence of this post contradicts the message. I have pronounced my sexuality in the post and dedicated precious minutes of sleep to discuss it. The sacrifice of sleep speaks volumes. However talking about being gay is what makes it into a non issue. The familiarity of something tends to conjure up apathetic sentiments. So I will post this and once again say, I prefer kissing dudes, therefore, I'm gay.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Can I Sail Through?

Lately I've been doing this behavioral reward system to help me get through this final semester. I feel stupid for having to resort to this method, but if it gets me out of BYU then I'll do it. So far it has helped me be productive. I'm glad that I am being productive, but at the end of the day I feel dispair. When I use the phrase "at the end of the day" I don't mean it literally. I mean that regardless of my productivity I still am depressed, sad, and left with the question in my head "what's the point?"

I feel like I am in cycle that I will not be able to break from. In this cycle I push myself out of my comfort zone, I manipulate my mind in whatever way necessary to be functional. It lasts for a time, then somehow I am dragged back into world that where my OQ score* is the only thing that has a positive. My hope for fixing this problem is not there. My sister is putting so much time and energy to help ensure my success.

My drive for fixing my will to live is fueled by guilt and obligation. Currently the source of my guilt is lack of happiness, that is paid for by my work and others as well, but is not recieved. I am working hard to achieve at least a sense of apathy, but am only achieving a day of productivity. When people look at it on my google calendar it is easy to imagine a character who is going places. The reality is that behind the schedule, complete with hours of study and 2 hours of an endorphin overdose,* there is a only a person who doesn't see the point of working this damn hard to go to bed with a personal death wish.

For now I start my day with masking the pain with manipulation. I collect the energy from the guilt, obligation and external sources. Finally expend the energy through out the day after each itemized task is fulfilled on my schedule. I get through it. I try the same pattern the next day. This pattern takes an initial internal hope that this "push" is worth it. That hope is being expended, I'm struggling to trust my sister and others that it will get better.

Now is the time where I make a reference to a song, that in my fucked up mind is the current representation of what I feel. Although this song is not a perfect match, it does resonate. I am on a landslide, getting older, resisting change in relationships, I have turned around and built my life around you*. For now I will do my best to make those people, who are graciously loaning me their energy, proud.


OQ: a test I take before a therapy session that attempts to asses my emotional state since the last session.
Endorphin Overdose: My exercise program
You: the LDS church

Monday, September 26, 2011

I Haven't Got a Stitch to Wear

So I had my 10 year high school reunion, full of good and bad experiences. I was unsure if I want,togo because I of the emotional state I've been in, my lack of accomplishments, and the fact that I was sure people didn't know me. In high schoolmany people knew of me but never really knew me. It's not to surprising because I was no where close to open with anyone.

A group of us I'm the sober one.

First I'll start with bad stuff and get it out of the way. I hung out with my brother during the day. My Mom came and joined us as well. There were some awkward moments. At the reunion I was super nervous and it showed.There were many awkward pauses in conversations. I wasn't feeling confident. There were many instance where I was standing or sitting alone silent. It reminded me of how much I need to work on my confidence.
Stacy and I (ignore the creepy glowing eyes.)

The good part. It was good to reconnect with people. I got to chat with Jerri, it was great. She is one of my favorite people from high school. We went to prom together and had a blast. Stacy is another person I was excited to see. I learned she had a big crush on me in highschool, I think she felt comfortable telling me that after I told her I was gay. I loved reconnecting with people who I didn't think I would.

Ajiaga and I (She kept running her hand through my hair.)

The best part was that I was comfortable with being gay. I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel like I had to be someone I'm not. I felt authentic and the oppression was lifted. I want that here, I want to be able to joke about the gay genes I inherited, the ways I fit the stereotypes, and any other funny aspect of being gay. I want my response to the question "would you date her?" to be "I like dudes." I just want the oppression to end. I have less than three months left here at BYU and then its time to move on. It'll time for the oppression to end. I will be able to be myself, to search for a life partner. My search will finally be the right sex. I will be able to work on creating a life of happiness, integrity, and love.

Jerri and I (She is still Beautiful)

I kind of hate how incredibly cheesy that was.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Climb Can Kill You Long Before the Fall

Last night I finished it. I finished the Lord of the Rings. That tale is probably one of the greatest stories written. Even though I watched it over 4 or 5 days it felt like a marathon. This trilogy is 652 minutes long, thats 11 hours and 22 minutes. I can't believe that my Brother would watch them back to back. I guess making the chain mail and downing Dr. Pepper helped. Because I am an internal thinker, I have reflected a lot of this movie.

Things have been going down hill since I came back from vacation. It started with me being anxious about my parents visit. My parents came, validated my fears, and left. After there departure things took a turn worse than I had thought it would. Although the binge eating had already started it went to a whole new level. I started to eat until I got sick, then when I felt better I would eat until I felt sick again. My exercise went from being consistent to inconsistant and practically non existant. I was starting to skip classes. When I'd go to class I would have extreme difficulty concentrating on the lecture. I wasn't studying at home or doing my homework. I have gotten behind in class.

Watching LOTR inspired me. I know its dumb that a fictional story would do that for me but it has. Although J.R.R. Tolkin denied that the series was not an allegory, it is to me. There were times where Frodo, Aragon, Gandalf, and others denied hope. In the end not only were they successful in defeating Lord Sauron, but most made pulled through alive. The inspiring part is that I feel like I am at the base of mount Doom. My energy is practically non existant. My desire is strong but my exhaustion limits my ability. I felt like I related to Froto's strong desires and the conflicting exhaustion. In the end Froto did destroyed the ring. He accomplished what he needed to do to ensure peace in Middle Earth.

There are many "rings" that I need to "destroy" or rather there are tasks that I could apply this inspiration to. Finishing school is a great contender, but being completely out seems to be the task that is of most importance. Finishing school is more like a step to being out and to everyone. Leaving BYU is when I will feel free. Feel free to be myself, to date, to dictate my life the best way I see fit. As a student here I feel suppressed, I feel pressure to keep my sexual orientation a secret. After I have the diploma, I can better explore and learn my new path of life.

Right now is a difficult time. My depression symptoms are up to levels that they were three or four years ago. I have anxiety and panic attacks, eating and television binges, and of course restless nights. I hope I can continue on like Frodo did. I hope I can carry this burden. Although I can not "destroy" my sexual orientation, I can destroy the complications that come with it. I can destroy the self hatred, the dispair, the stigma, the suppression, etc. After this destruction I can then re-build my life with hope, self worth, and expressions of love.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

All Those Evening on the Back Deck...

Its 15 til 6 in the morning and I've been awake for the past couple of hours. Its amazing how insomnia messes with you. Less than a week ago was the first full nights rest I had with out any nightmares for a month. Last night I got bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. So I decided to watch the Netflix movie I had, Conviction. It was pretty good. I left me a mess.

I am going through a cycle. The cycle began when I got stressed out by my parents coming to visit. The stress lead to anxiety, that anxiety grew and graduated to panic attacks. I was binge eating, not exercising, being too extreme in exercising (almost to the point of injury), avoiding studying, working on the research. I was loosing control of my self. Then my parents came. In this cycle the event I am worried about can either confirm or deny my fears. This time it confirmed. So I got worse, I honestly think I was in shock after my parents "gay-vention." Not the holy crap kind of shock, the clinical kind. Then I have moments of strength where I force myself to do productive things to get me out of the pain. They usually don't last long at first. I struggle for a bit as time passes the pain starts to subside and I'm able to start rebuilding my life again.

In conviction this women loved her brother so much that she fought for him for 2 decades. She dedicated her life to free her innocent brother from prison. In the end she won. In the end she was glad she did it. However in the middle of it she had moments of dispair, but she never gave up. Even when her own brother wanted to give up. I am impressed with her determination. I wonder what gives her that determination. I want that determination to get in and through medical school. However I don't know if I have it.

I feel like I ruined my possibilities by continuing through school while I am extremely depressed. I have made poor decisions that will make life harder, let alone getting into a medical school. I feel like I need to learn from someone to stay motivated and get that determination to succeed.

My motivation to do the things I enjoy have left me. I haven't wanted to anything. As weird or confusing as this sounds I haven't wanted to spend my time not doing anything. Yesterday in group I talked about how I hate when I get like this. It puts my back in my progress. The progress I worked so hard to have. For example, I was so close to my goal fat percentage and now I'm where I was at the beginning of the summer.

This movie gave me hope. Hope that I can recover from this hell that I am in. It will be difficult and many won't believe it to be possible. Maybe it won't be, but I know that if I work really hard it will bring to a place better than this. I spent my friday night alone watching a movie in my empty apartment. It wasn't because I didn't have places I could go to be with friends. I could have gone to my roommates hockey game, or a friends concert. Or even my favorite thing, just showing up at the Velour and to listen to whoever was playing. It was because I am so depressed that I can't open my self up to be around people.

This blog is the most I have been able to be open to people outside of therapy and discussion with close family members. I have a friend, well more than one, who wants me to open up more to people. Its not as easy for me as it seems to be for her. It took me 24 years to open up to the first person in my life. It was a therapist, then a family member. Even then I still didn't completely open myself to them. I am better now. I have a couple people that I am extremely open with. I just don't trust people. I especially don't trust their words, but I trust their actions and reactions.

My father would hit me and tell me he loved me at that same time. He would tell me that he loved me while he was yelling at me in a rage. He would tell me that he is proud of me and doesn't agree with my decision in the same sentence. The conflicting messages I received from him and continue to receive from him make it hard to trust.

I need openness not because I think its a good idea for everyone to know me. I need openness to discount the "what ifs" in my head. The "what if they knew, they'd think differently." rhetoric. I need to relieve the shame I inherited from my parents. I need to love who am not who I am trying to be.

Part of the rebuilding cycle often includes someone. This time its my sister Misty. She is able to do what my parents aren't able to do at this time. She is giving me the confidence to move forward. It has been nice to spend time with her, even though it has been short moments. Her presence gives me the confidence that I can get through this. That's what I lack the most at this point, is presence. The presence of a loved one who I trust. I hope that these moments I get with people I trust will keep me going until I have enough confidence in myself to minimize the cycles.

I already feel the post family blues and my sister still hasn't left yet. In fact later today I will have dinner with them. So I feel bad that I already feel abandoned. I know my sister loves me. I just seem to need more reassurance than a the average person. After this movie I gained strength and determination to work again for my happiness. I am going to use this visit from my sister, this reassurance of her love for me to participate in the part of the cycle where that self improvement happens.

Friday, September 16, 2011

They Were all Stolen...

This is mostly for just your information. A while ago I decided that I would make all the titles to my post lyrics from a song that I love that relate to my post. Even the title of this post fits. So feel fee to find out what song its from. Those who read my blog know about my relationship with music and the lyrics. I like to share the music I love, music is the most important secular possession.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

This Shit is Making Me Tired...

It is almost 9:30 and I have not studied like I need to. I have a test thursday on all the bones and landmarks. What did I do instead, I ate and watched TV on my computer. I am back where I was years ago. I am terrified of taking this test. I am getting fat and isolating myself from people. My neck and back hurts from laying on my bed all day.

I'm trying so hard to get through this. I want to be like Stuart Matis. I want to make that kind of statement and leave this damn world. I want to leave the pain it causes me. I am angry, sad and hurt. I am hurt by the church I belong to, I am hurt by some of my friends, I am hurt by parents. I was looking at pictures of when I was in California at Ashley and Preston's wedding. I looked so happy and I felt happy. I was on road of recovery. Now I have been knocked of that road into an abandoned mine and broke my legs. I can't see where I'm going, I don't know which way is toward the earth's surface or how long it'll take to crawl out.

I don't understand why my pain is so intense. My therapist says to tell myself that "this is not my favorite." I am trying to just remember that this will pass. I just don't have the will to do the things that might help. I don't have the energy to manipulate myself. I wish there was someone that could just sit with me in my pain and hold my hand until I fall asleep.

What I want to say to all of you who are married or otherwise in a committed romantic relationship. Don't take that relationship for granted. In the end you always have that person who has committed his or her life to you. As you complain about the complications in your life because of it remember I am a lone in my bed wishing I had someone. The someone that I am able to have that relationship with is not in accordance with my church, some of my families beliefs.

These are the things passing through my mind:

You stupid fat ass, why did you eat that shit.
Idot why the hell didn't you study.
You lazy son of a bitch why did you waste your day.
You ungrateful bastard people are trying to help
Why the fuck are you still alive you have nothing to offer.
I hate you
Just cut your hands off.
You caused all these problems if you would just not be so stupid
You will never be happy
You will never find love
Your parents will abandon you
Your brothers will abandon you
Your sister's will abandon you
Your friends will abandon you
You will be a lone
You can't count on anyone
You will never be of value to anyone
You are so selfish
Just bleed it'll all go away
You are fat because you eat
You are fat because you are lazy
Your GPA isn't very good because you are stupid and lazy
You are ugly
You suck at running
You are weak
How can you ever be a good runner, you are fat
You will fail
You always will fail
You are the epitome of failure
You are a fuck up and always will be
You only have yourself to blame
You don't have value
The only reason why people have been nice is out of obligation
The only reason you are helping with this research is because the feel pity for you
Pity is the only reason anyone is willing to help you
Just shoot our self in the head
Stab your self
You deserve it
All this pain is your fault
Just cut of the fat then they'll have to remove it
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

So I Pull Out My Gun...

Sorry I forgot to post this I said I would a while back in one of posts. I love South Park.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Somebody Caused Me Strife and it's Not What I Was Seeking...

This past week... wow. It was awful! I was fine as long as I was busy. However as soon as I get some free time I couldn't stop the emotions from affecting my diet. I feel like I am back where I was two years ago. I don't really have any desire to do anything. Nothing seems like it is worth the effort.

Yesterday at church my Elder's quorum president pulled me to the side, he "noticed" that I hadn't come to priesthood for the past couple of weeks. I think he was trying to be nice. I haven't been to priesthood for a couple of months. I was not in a good mood and was a little rude. I wish I wasn't. I told him that I won't be going to priesthood. He then said that every member is important and contributes great things the quorum. He is a nice guy. It just annoys me when people say stuff like that. Does he even know me? When I go to priesthood I sit in the back and just listen. I keep my mouth shut, even if I might have worth while to speak about. I have tried to make friends in the quorum and it never really works.

I made the decision to stop attending Sunday school and priesthood because I would leave them more angry and/or depressed. It didn't seem to be helping me become more Christ like, therefore it is not for me right now. I think that's the hardest thing about going to church is that I feel like I don't really fit in. I as a friend told me "[I go] against everything we've been taught." or my Dad said "[I] don't fit into the plan of salvation." Granted they were talking about being gay, but gay is what I am. I would love to go to Sunday school and priesthood to be uplifted. However that hasn't been happening for the past couple of years. I want to do it for the sake of my Elder's quorum president. It was nice of him to invite me to come.

The pain is just becoming more and more unbearable as the days have gone by since my parents held the "gay-vention." Its supposed to get better. While I am becoming more functional, the pain numbs my emotion. My body has gone into survival mode. I am constantly exhausted. Even though through out the day am feel like I am on the verge of falling asleep, when it comes to sleepy time it takes at least an hour to fall asleep. I'm just sick of manipulating myself to attempt to control my emotions and actions. I just want it to end.

Monday, September 5, 2011

We Were Never Meant To Be This Damn Broken...

My parents came to visit. It started out ok. It was awkward, I'm sure because we both knew what was going to happen sometime during the trip. Saturday was fine, long but fine. Sunday I went to a friends baby blessing and brought my parents a long. It was of course a fast sunday. The blessing was a grieving moment for me as well as a support to my friend. He said he would have asked me to be in the circle but his father in law was in a wheelchair, but I feel like my sexuality had something to do with it.

Any way the baby blessings is not what I want to talk about. After we got home from church I took my parents to the hotel room to change. My Dad wanted me to come in so we could "visit." I knew what that meant. So I went in and kept my sunglasses on. We started out talking about the kitchen remodel. Then the scriptures were pulled out... I knew what that meant.

My Dad read a passage from Doctrine and Covenants and then from Abraham. The verses were about how we were intelligences before we were born. While he used those scriptures to support that we existed as spirits before we were born, he failed to bring that to the whole gay thing. But I knew where he was going with it.

He then proceded to tell me what he thought about homosexuality and how the prophet speaks for God. The same things he had emailed me. He also told me that he loved me and that he was jealous that I could make friends so easily. While the complements were nice, they came with a grenade. He told me that he trusted that I would make the right decisions. However he already had in mind the decision he wanted me to make. My Mom expressed her love and that she learned a lot from that book.

As they spoke of me being gay and "struggling with same sex attraction," I could hear the disappointment. I really hate to disappoint people and have worked hard to never disappoint my parents. I was used to disappointing my father, but my mother not really. The phrase "struggling with same sex attraction," implies that I can be "fixed." This is not going to go away. It is as much a part of me as my eyes. My Dad talked about how he doesn't go a day without praying for me and my friend (who is gay and my parents know well). Does he pray that I'll be "fixed." Maybe its my pride but I could hear how proud he was of himself for being so righteous.

After they were done the asked me if I wanted to say something. I struggled to let them know who I felt. I was is so much pain and struggling to breathe. After failed attempts to get through to them I asked for some time to myself. So I went for a drive and just focused on ending my anxiety attack. I really wanted someone I could trust to just sit there next to me. Unfortunately the person I trust enough was unavailable.

When I got back I tried to express the pain to my father and how I felt. However he would never let me really speak. He wouldn't listen. We started to argue and I didn't want another fight on our record. So I just let him have the last word and took it once again. The thing that he said that made me realize there was no point in discussing this with him anymore was "you'd have to agree that it doesn't fall in line with the plan of salvation." I don't admit it. There are many children in the world who need loving parents. Why can't me and my future husband provide a child or children with love and support that a child needs?

We went back to my place for dinner. I didn't really speak the drive back. When I got home I went to my room to change as well as to get my game face on... well at least as much as I could. We finished up dinner and ate. All I wanted to do was watch something but of course my Dad was opposed to that. We played a couple of games.

That night I invited a bunch of people over to have some crepes. Those who attended I'm sure could tell something was wrong with me. I just wanted to stay busy the whole time making crepes and let everyone else just eat and enjoy the company of others. I was really glad for all who came, especially those who knew how difficult this was to have my parents here.

I have to "divorce" my parents. This doesn't mean that I won't still have relationships with them, it just means they are not able to be an emotional/spiritual support for me. Thus leaving me more a lone than I was before. A gay mormon does not need anymore reasons to feel a lone.

I hate that my pain causes so much pain for my Mom, she doesn't deserve anymore pain. I hate that I can not just be the person that my Mom wants me to be, or my Dad or the Prophet. I feel trapped. I can not be happy living a lone and celibate in the church. I will disappoint my parents, other family members, and some friends if I pursue a relationship with a man. I can't kill my self because I can't bear being the source of that much pain for my loved ones. So this leaves me trapped. Me being gay has hurt some relationships that I care deeply about.

Today after I dropped my parents off. I ate and ate, while I watched movie after movie. I needed to be working on homework but the wound was too fresh. Through out the day when I thought I was feeling better, something so small triggered the pain. So I am here in my bed typing away unable to sleep.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Landslide Will Bring Me Down...

Tomorrow is dooms day, or at least it feels like it. I feel much better about my parents visit, but I know that my body is using an old trick. I have successfully made a facade that even I am fooled by. I wish I could say that I wasn't worried about the events of this weekend, but I can't. Unconsciously I know I am just as terrified as I was when I was having that panic attack in my therapist's office. How do I know this, I started crying watching The Colbert Report. I started to cry and instantly got sad. When I stopped crying it was like nothing happened.

Tonight I went to a USGA meeting. If you don't know what that is I'm not surprised. But USGA is an unofficial group at BYU. USGA stands for "understanding same gender attraction." It was good to interact with other gays and lesbians. It was also nice to meet straight people who support us.

I have my mind wander to think about my future as a gay man. I don't know what will happen or how I will get through this part of my life. I talked with Bridey, a lesbian, she is happy to be a lesbian. I'm not at that point, I don't know if could be. I admire that in her. I realized tonight that my self hatred is fueled by my sexuality. I have been conditioned to hate my self not only for my humaness, but also for my sexuality.

Years of this self hatred being reenforced with words, failures, and synapses have worn me down. My Dad taught me the false notion that I am in control of everything. That was very evident when I was in trouble for some other person breaking into my car at a football game in high school. Control is how maintain my sanity. So sorry anyone who knows me, yes I am controlling and I know it. It gives me peace.

I lost control these past couple weeks and am struggling to regain it again. That scares me more than death. But those who know me well know that death doesn't scare me much any way. Death is a welcomed event for me. I want to live only if I can be happy, but the work it takes seems to be endless.

As I feel the pain of lowliness that is fueled by the gay mormon contradiction. I take solace in my music, it is my "Suicide Medicine." That is a title of one of my favorite songs. Any way my music is what gets me through the nights that I stay awake crying desperate to have someone with me to comfort me. Someone there to hold me give me the need affection. For now I have my Dr. Dres that fill my ears with dramatic tones and poetic words.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Brian Never Stops Ticking...

Well today was pretty shitty. I am embarrassed to say that these past couple weeks of binge eating have put me back to 190. Last night I was eating and crying. I didn't want to eat but I couldn't stop my self. I ate until I couldn't take the pain anymore. I woke up this morning stressed. My stress lead to anxiety. What was I anxious about... getting fat. I still consider my self fat, even though people tell me I'm not. So really I'm afraid of getting fatter.

My anxiety turned into a panic attack. My panic attack didn't let up until about a mile into my run. I went to see my therapist and what happened I had another panic attack, this one was a lot worse. I lost control of my body, I started pushing against the floor with my feet as if to push away from my therapist. Then I grabbed my leg and squeezed. I couldn't stop, the harder I tried to stop the harder I would squeeze my leg. My arm and hands were in so much pain, all the muscles involved were basically in tetanus. I lost feeling in my foot and became extremely light headed because of my quick and shallow breaths. I ended it by replaying music in my head and instructed my therapist to not ask questions.

My anxiety is super high right now because as I mentioned earlier F$%@ my parents are coming this weekend. This is more stressful than I think some realize. I know my parents love me but the way they show it is what I'm worried about. I already know that they don't agree with me being gay... I just struggle with same sex attraction. So me dating men is disappointing to them.

I started reading No More Goodbyes... what a great book. The author does a great job of expressing the pain I feel without ever being a gay man who is mormon. I cried of course. I wish my parents understood the dilemma I deal with. The intense pain I feel. I feel trapped. I feel like if I live a celibate life like my father wants me to I will be waiting for death my whole life. I would be lonely and desperate for intimacy. As much as my friends and family are there for me I will never be number one, because they aren't my partner in life. Or I could be gay but live a life full of persecution, complications, and leave the church. Both suck.

Tonight the pain is intense, the anxiety rich, and the insomnia prevalent. My only hope is that my tears will lull me to sleep. But then again I'll probably have a nightmare tonight. So who will reject me and turn everyone against me to night in my unconsciousness. I guess we'll see.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It Sits in My Head, It's Been There too Long...

So I've been thinking a lot about the transition from in the closet Mark and the Mark who lives in reality. I just chuckled... why because I thought of a south park episode where Tom Cruiz, John Trovolta, and R. Kelly won't come out of Stan's closet. I'll post a video. Any way, this transition is full of ups and downs. It has been down since vacation. These past couple of weeks have been filled with eating and TV binges. James (my co-worker/friend) can confirm my orneriness. Poor James he has to put up with all of my bitching. The two things on my mind lately have been "I wish I was straight," and "F@$% my parents are coming."

I just wish I was straight. Why might you ask? Well being gay brings complications. Being gay, mormon, and BYU student... the complications add up. If I was straight I could find a girl, marry her in the temple, have babies, and bring pride into my parents eyes. I wouldn't have to defend my position to my friends and family. I would have all the rights as a straight couple enjoys. My sexuality puts my job at risk. How messed up is that?! Being gay just seems like it will be full of complications. However the alternative is living a lonely life void of true intimacy is something I just can't do.

My parents are coming... Labor day weekend. This will be the first time I will see them since letting them know that I will be dating men. The first thought that came to mind when my dad asked to come visit was that they would hold an intervention. My sister, Misty, doesn't think that is the case. However, I'm not completely convinced. I can accept that my Mom would allow my sovereignty, but my Dad... Hmmm. I can see my Dad walking up to my bishop and wanting to talk to him about me. He's done it before. My relationship with my Mom seems to have changed. There is a significant of awkward silences during our conversations. I know they will always love me but how will things change because of my decision to exit the closet.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up ride my bike to work and eat healthy. I also hope that I can be in a good mood as well... for James sake.

Friday, August 12, 2011

This Old Wound...

Today I went on a date with a great guy. We had lunch and then went to a movie. The movie I saw was Stupid, Crazy, Love. First of all the movie was excellent. I got emotional at times, not only because I'm a sad sap and a sucker for a good romantic story. The movie brought up some difficult feelings.

I have become honest with myself that I am gay and will not be able to have the traditional family I dream of. My mind is full of pain and conflict. I want to be happy that I am moving forward and searching for a life partner to share life with. Its hard to be happy with that decision not because I don't feel its right. The conflict with the church is what makes it difficult for me to move forward.

I want to stay active in the church and be the ideal member. Staying in the church means a life full of dinners for one. A house with one resident. Most difficult would be a life of loneliness. A life outside of the church is scary because it means leaving a life I love. Both decision don't seem to bring the peace I desire.

Right now I am sick to my stomach and I have an intense headache. It doesn't help that I just ended a great vacation with my sister. I was able to reconnect with my sister. I was able to get to know my Aunt Becky and her family. I was able to form a relationship with my cousins. I have never been able to do that. I don't even know how many brother's and sisters my Dad has. We just have never been close to our extended family.

One reason that I maybe experiencing this pain is I took my medication only once for this past week. Tomorrow I will start taking the medication again. I just wish I had someone with me right now to console me. I wish the pain I feel at this moment will subside and I'll be able get some sleep. I have to work early tomorrow.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Heart is Sturdy and Need You to Survive

I just finished a 10 day juice fast. What this means I only had fruit and vegetable juice for 10 days. I made an exception, I had an avocado or two a day. Many questions maybe entering your mind at the moment like, why the hell would a person do that? This fast was inspired by a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

The documentary is about a guy who is sick, fat and near death... in case you didn't gather that from the tittle. This man decided to do a juice fast for 60 days. He figured since he feed his body crap he had to infuse it with nutrients. The best form of nutrients the body can get are fruits and vegetables. However to get the insane amount of nutrients his body needed he needed to drink it concentrated. Juicing makes it possible to have tons of nutrients without having to eat 24/7. His health transformed.

I began to think that I could benefit from this fast. It would cleanse my body with the bodys form of soap, antioxidants. This could have great consequences. What I'm hoping for is more energy, better digestion, lower allergy symptoms and of course weight loss.

So I made some videos of my experience but blogspot seemed to struggle uploading them. Now that I have eaten a significant amount of protein I can talk about my experience. So the first 6 days were easy and awesome. I was dropping weight so fast and getting visibly skinnier. I wasn't able to workout as hard as I could while eating properly, however, I wasn't hungry. I was craving meat everyday though. I could smell a barbecue miles away.

Day 7 is where it got difficult. I was completely drained of energy. I started eating two avocados to help. The weight came off slower but it still came off. I was working slow and was constantly napping on the drives between jobs. Day 8 was even worse. Day 9 I didn't think I could make it. Day 10 was compounded with frustrating things happening. I even went to a dinner party that I didn't eat a single morsel of food.

Today I ate about 8 eggs and 2 tortillas, a bunch of spinach and a cup of salsa. I went a little over board on the food I know. I feel so full of life now. The life didn't come from the food but the accomplishment. Many of you who know me know that I really struggle when not eating. Although I didn't feel hungry all the time my body thought I was so my mood behaved accordingly.

During the fast I thought a lot about people who "fast" or rather starve involuntarily. I realized how much their lives must suck. Many work very hard for very little sustenance. I work hard, don't get me wrong, but I also have many comforts and enough resources to get to 270 pounds. The best part is the feeling of accomplishment I have. This was one of the hardest things I have done. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I do have some amount of self discipline. I learned that I could go with out comfort food. The best part was that I was feeling more in control with my being.

I plan on doing this quarterly to help maintain good nutrition. I recommend this to everyone. It has great potential for great things. Watch the documentary to see how it helped others. Ask me questions to see how it can help you. Those of you who say I don't want to loos weight... I say its much more than weight loss. You will loose fat any way not a significant amount of muscle mass. I'm glad I did it and I think you'd be too.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You Don't know the Things I've Learned

So this is part of an email I sent to my parents today... I thought it would help better explain what I am thinking abou the whole gay issue.

I'm glad you are reading this book. I think it has/will help you guys understand where I'm coming from. You are right about going back to the basics. That's what I've been doing. I have learned a lot about my self and God through this. My eyes have been open to a more practical and realistic. I have learned that my salvation is 100% percent between me, God, and the Savior. I have learned to separate my salvation from the church too. Although I believe that this is God's church, I do not believe it's the only way to gain salvation. I have learned to realize the ideal LDS path my not me the ideal path for me. I have learned to separate my the Gospel and the Church. I have also learned that judgement can only be made with proper understanding. As mortals with limited experience we are not to judge.

For me it ll comes down to how I learn to love. I have spent too long trying to be the perfect son, brother, older brother and the list goes on. In my mind I thought ( and still do at times) think I have to be the complete opposite of who I am. What I need to be focused on is being who I am. I may not know everything about who I am but I do know a lot. I can use being my self to increase my capacity to love. But as cliche and lane as it sounds I have to love my self to increase my capacity to love.

I can not know the future or make an accurate prediction. I know that I am gay and I know that it conflicts with the church in a big way at the time being. I believe prejudice and lack of understanding will keep many LDS men and women stay in the closet. As of right now I am active in the church and want to be. However I decided that Sunday school and priesthood do more harm than good. So I only go to sacrament. Going to the temple is the same way.

As much as I wish to I could just pray and have faith that I will become straight, I know it's not God's will. That may change but it is hard for me to see that.

I am learning to not only to accept myself but love myself. I have noticed a large increase these past couple weeks. I am thankful for that because I have made some hard choices that don't seem to be what the church would suggest. I stopped going to Sunday school and priesthood. I have started talking more with other gay guys out here and opening the possibility of dating them.

I realize this is most likely difficult for you to accept and understand. I wish I could give 5 minutes of the pain I have been experiencing and the joy I have been feeling as I have been making these choices. Obviously I can't, but please just trust me.

You and Mom have roughy me good things. From Mom I have learned compassion and being aware of others. From you I have learned the value of work and responsibility.

I have a string testimony of the Savior and his atonement. I know trusting me will be difficult because it may lead me to marry another man. That will make me leave the Church. So please just know that I am taking my life seriously, I'm not going through a phase, and my testimony of and relationship with the Savior will guide me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Closer I am to Fine

This week has been seriously long. I think what made it feel long is that a lot has happend. There was the 4th, a day with the Kitchens and Wrights, and some new experiences. I started the week great with my sister on the 4th. No need to go into detail due the the previous blog. Then wednesday I babysat the Wrights while Misty and Colby were being convinced to come here to teach at BYU. Later in the morning the Kitchens joined in on the fun. It was crazy! There were 10 kids in my apartment, luckily two of them were pretty old enough to behave more like adults. Any way that day wore me out. Although the visit with the Wrights and Kitchens was more like a tornado of events it was so fun.

Other highlights that seemed to be more significant to my progression out of this hell involved the internet and chat with a friend who definitely is in the best friend category. These things have brought enlightenment and more understanding of self. But I will warn you before hand you may not like what you read.

First the internet. After talking with other gay guys out here I came to the conclusion if I want to meet other guys to date or just be friends with I had to look toward the internet. So I joined one of the many gay online communities. I am very weary of the internet being a way of search for dates and friends but I have been giving it a go. I have talked to some interesting people. I received a message from a guy who happens to be here in Lanai too, so that was nice. I now have someone to sit with at church that I knows I'm gay and understands the conflict. I have chatted it up with other guys too. I still haven't initiated any conversations with anyone, but I will... eventually. These sites have opened up more possibilities for me. I hope to be able to date more. But the most important think I have learned from starting this internet dating thing is that I am definitely gay.

Ashley and I hang out regularly and I love it. This saturday we went out to eat and wondered the mall. The best part of the evening was our talk on the sun deck of Lanai. That talk even beat the run in we had with a mannequin that had some pretty prominent nipples. We talked about many things. We talked about what it would be like when I get married to a guy. What the wedding would be like, how people would respond, and if we would have a couples dance (probably not). The most significant think we talked about was love and understanding.

The older I get the more I realize I just don't understand much. Its my lack of understanding the handicaps my judgements. Poor judgements can be detrimental. Judging others is just as criminal . We need to learn how to love and understand other. The two can't really seem to be separated, a lack of understanding inhibits love and vice versa. However we can love someone just enough to gain understanding and then we love them more. As we love them more we learn more about them and we understand more. So the two seem to work together. As we try to understand others we often grow to love them. However it seems to be best to love first and then understanding seems to come.

In contrast as we judge other we start to dislike others. As much as I think I know so much and have learned so much, I realize I can never understand another person perfectly. I am incapable of that but I can get closer to understanding another. That understanding can not grow with out love. If judgements precede understanding mistakes are often made and that person becomes nature definitive.

I am definitive by nature. I like to know an equation or procedure for every desired out come. However, life's answers are not universal or constant. If you look at the nature of God, he has never exclusively given universal or constant direction in any period of time in the world. There are some few constant principles but the practice of them is so circumstantial. If you look at the evolution of the church just in this dispensation you can see changes in council from the brethren. If you look through the scriptures to see the commandments change as well. Change in policy or commandments does not mean that an organization if following the ways of the world. I believe those changes come from us earthlings being able to make better decisions. The people on the world as a whole have grown and continue to grow in understanding. As our understanding grows so can our love. Likewise as our understanding grows we are better able to make better choices.

The line from an Indigo Girls song has new meaning to me. "the less I think my source to something definitive the closer I am to fine." It hit me while listening to that song is that I have been limiting my self for years. I don't allow myself to change and struggle to let others change. So I will try to work hard to keep out of such a small definitive box and open up my possibilities. But of coarse I'll take God for the ride to direct me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

There is a Light and It Never Goes Out

So I thought it'd be a nice change to talk about some positive things for once. Today my sister Misty ran the Freedom Run with me. The freedom run is one of my favorite races. I was so excited to have someone to run it with. The first time I ran a race it was with my friend Jeff. I have run many since then, but mostly alone. Although I didn't actually run with them during the race I enjoy talking about it at the finish line with a fellow competitor. The bonus was that it was my sister!

Needless to say the best part was I got to spend time with my sister. After the race we came back to my apartment had a good chat over smoothies. Misty is one of my biggest supporters in helping me with coming out and pursuing a relationship with other guys. She has taken charge and is helping those in my family who struggle with my new venture. Its good that they are not only hearing it from me but also from her. Misty is the leader of the family whether she tries to be or not... she is the oldest after all.

As we talked it helped me feel more comfortable about my decisions. It may be shocking to some but I feel the spirit when I talk to her about my future with someone. I have always been comforted by her advice. I am glad that she can lift my spirits. Even better she doesn't have the monopoly on helping me feel better.

I have been so blessed that God has prepared my friends and family. I tried to my part by dropping hints and stuff. However I know that God soften their hearts and people have been for the most part compassionate. So to all of you who are accepting of me regardless of my sexuality and your opinions of my choices... Thank you. It's nice to know that you care.

Thank you Misty for spending time with your at times burdensome depressed little brother. I really value our relationship.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

My Heart Was Racing, My Mind Was Screaming... I Just Lost It.

I just got back from church. I don't understand why church puts me in a worse mood than I was in previously. This fact makes it difficult for me to continue to go every sunday. Its weird that my testimony remains strong regardless. Any way this sunday was worse than normal. It started out like it does every sunday. When it came time for my favorite part, the sacrament. I bowed my head listened to the prayer. After the prayer I began my prayer. The first thing I said was said without thinking. I said to God "please just kill me."

I kept trying to direct my prayer in a different direction, but it kept coming back to that. I know that is what I have desired for a long time now, but know its not an option or an answer. However it just upsets me that after all this effort I am still desire the same thing. I have been working hard to know what my path to happiness is. I pray for direction, as well as use logic to understand.

So after an emotional sacrament service I decided to go for a drive. While I was driving my frustration developed into anger. I had a conversation in my head with my bishop about my frustrations. I was asking him what do I do? I don't know? Why is it that after all the work I have put into being happy am I requesting death. Why do I still hate my self? Why does my patriarchal blessing tell m that my mind and body is sound? Does this mean that me being gay is not an illness? Does it mean its in my head? Why does it say I'll get married to "a woman of my choice?" Does this mean I am supposed to marry someone even though I am not attracted? Are those just general statements? Why is the only direction I feel I have had tell me to go against the Prophet? Why isn't the Prophet offering answer for us gays and lesbians? If members of the church are supposed to be compassionate towards people in my situation why are so many uncompassionate? Why must we suffer in silence? These are only some of the questions I blurted out in my imaginary conversation with my Bishop.

So I decided to go back to church and ask some of those questions in real life. I got there in time for priesthood. My plan was to talk to the Bishop after church. I hung around for priesthood. Guess what the lesson was on eternal families. Way to kick me when I'm down. So I do what I always do convince my self there must be something that I need to learn from this lesson. I listened attentively and payed attention to my feelings. The lesson only made me more frustrated and upset. There was talk of being damned if you don't get married in the temple, that the reason we are here on earth is to have a family and homosexuality is attacking the family.

I decided not to talk to the bishop mostly because I am not currently in the state of mind to objectively meditate his words. So I came home to blog. So here I am lying in my bed typing away. So I think I'll just let my fingers spell out my thoughts.

Many have told me or talk about homosexuality as a weakness, but a weakness is something that is overcome or turned into a strength. So if homosexuality is a weakness then heterosexuality must be a strength. How do I turn myself into a heterosexual... prayer, fasting, living righteously? I can check that off and continue to. I know that Christ can heal all things. So if this is a weakness how is it to be overcome? Am I to be damned until this life is over. Am I destined to a life of watching other people live my righteous dream? Am I to continue going to church while some judge me for not getting married? Where is my place in the church if I am unable to participate in a fundamental principle of this church?

Even if I come to peace with my homosexuality and the church. Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I look in the mirror and see a man who is fat and weak. I hate my birthday. My birthday is a reminder that I have not accomplished anything. The worst part of my birthday is all the attention. The praise and love make me so uncomfortable. Why? Because I just don't deserve it. Then if I do convince my self that I deserve it I leaves me with a strong obligation to accomplish something to really deserve the kindness. Then the next birthday comes around and I am bowing my head praying in sacrament meeting for death.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Temptations and Evil Demons Crawling the Earth and Hiding in Every Corner

Tonight I made a mistake and I watched the documentary 8: A Mormon Proposition. This documentary is heavily biased and definitely anti Mormon. I just wanted to hear the other side of the story, I guess. Well it was a big mistake all it has done is cause additional pain for me. Many of you know that I am Mormon... and active. I have a strong testimony of the Savior and The Book of Mormon. So this creates a huge dilemma for me. It leaves me with no place in the Church.

This documentary brought up things that I wish I could erase from my memory. They hate in some of the members of this Church for my people. The comparisons they make? Does my sexual orientation condem me? Thats the message I received during proposition 8. If I could have one wish I wouldn't be gay, I would be able to marry a woman honestly. I would be able have a family with out serious conflict. However that is not the case.

The most hurtful part of this documentary was when some fellow gay Mormons spoke of their suicide attempts. I very easily could have been one of those interviewed. It brought back the pain that drove me to forget my family's desires. That's the pain that I wish the Brethren could feel so the would know why I am hurt. So they understand the conflict. Even if it wrong its more than a temptation. To drink is a temptation, one can find happiness without. A temptation is something that can be overcome. I have not meet one person who has overcome his or her homosexuality. Those who claim to be cured, my skeptical meter goes off. I just wish there was more compassion for those of us that qualify for the gay and mormon communities.

I opened up to a couple of classmates, with whom I studied regularly with and consider friends. (hopefully become even better friends) One of them I know has read my blog the other... not sure. One of them, the one who read my blog, said I want to at least hear from you in 20 years. A reference to a previous blog. Although I am not suicidal these days, it doesn't mean I don't desire it. What makes me not suicidal is my family. I can't give up without making sure at least apathy for life could occur.

Watching that documentary pushed me to start forgetting the pain I would cause my family if I went trough with it. As I was showering, I convinced my self to stick it out until graduation. I can make it at least that long. Hearing the story of Stuart Matis it hurts. It hurts because I know that I feel they way he did over and over. I can't bring my self to do it quite yet out of obligation to my family and friends.

Bruce R McConkie said it is better to be dead rather than be homosexual. Although I can't imagine any of the Brethren saying anything as blatantly hurtful as that, the tone is comes through as the same. So tonight will be another one of those nights that I listen to a song on repeat that helps me to express my pain. Tonight it'll be Death Right by Rocky Votolato.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Legs Weren't Sturdy

Saturday was an epic failure. My marathon was that day and I had to drop out. All that training got me to the 16 mile mark. Its not that I can't run a marathon... I've done it before. I threw up and my muscles cramped up. It was probably due to my poor diet the past two weeks. When I got back from Michigan I was determined to loose 15 lbs in 10 weeks. Well I ended up gaining 5 lbs. Any way the biggest contributor to my poor performance saturday was the lack of sleep. In the 3 previous nights I had only got 10 hours of sleep.
Need less to say I feel like a looser and a failure. However I want to try to turn this into a positive experience. Tomorrow I'm going to get back on track with my sleep, diet and exercise routine. My goal... to loose 15 lbs. by my friends wedding in August. Its possible but still will be difficult. I hope I can stick to it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Though They Toss and Pull and Churn

So I just finished an excellent movie. The grandeur of this movie doesn't come from great special effects, sweet fight scenes, or even adventures. This movie is much more simple, the most powerful emotion. As cliche as it sounds and is this movie is about love. No matter how cheesy and cliche the last couple sentences are I was struggling to find a better combination of words. Any way this story isn't just a tale of romance. The tale is not a story of boy meets girl or any other combinations of gender. This is definitely you've got mail or even Love Actually. This tale of love involves love for God, children, siblings, friends and parents.

We know the great things that come from love. Love brings people together, heals pain, consoles and is an over all cure all. However the damage love can cause when used improperly can be as damaging as healing. Before your mind goes to the scenario that is sung about in rock songs. I am speaking of how love can lead us to hurt others. While our intentions may be to help, our lack of understanding can change help to hurt.

This movie is about a gay man, Mark, who lacks self worth and is addicted to drugs. After an overdose he is forced into a program that is meant to "cure" him of his "sickness." The main character is resistant at first but the extreme compassion of the leader of this program changes his mind to become straight. However Mark falls in love with another man, Scott, in the program. The other man only tried to change to gain the approval of his father. After 5 or so months in this program Scott listens to his father's last words. His last words were used to condemn him for his son for being gay. While Scott's father was quoting Leviticus, Scott was telling his father that he loved him. His father cried "I'll never see you again because your going to hell." Its obvious Scott's father loved him, but his lack of understanding lead him to exclaim such hurtful words.

The most difficult story of misguided expression of love comes from the programs leader, Gale. Gale lost her son due to a drug overdose. Her son was gay he didn't want to change, so she kicked him out. The day she condemned her son was last time she ever saw him. So out love for her son started this program to "cure" other gay men. She was trying to give back to rectify her mistreatment to her son. Just like Scott's father she loved these men/boys as her own. Her compassion was commendable, but she feed their insecurities, and fueled there depression. If Gale would try to understand these men, her son, maybe she could really learn how to help them. I don't doubt her love for people one second. She lacks the understanding.

One resident, Lester, even attempted suicide. When I saw him in that tub full of water and blood I lost it. I know that pain that led him to do this. I know it and live it everyday. Sleep is a time for my mind to obsess over it by creating fictional stories with non fiction people. Some times these nightmares resemble my reality. When Lester was in the hospital he told Mark "I know its not the Lord's desire but I don't think I could live any other way." That broke my heart.

I don't want to ruin too much of the movie because I want all of you to see it so I'll stop the narrative there and move on to commentary. I related so well to this movie. From Scott's quest to gain his father's love to the compassion Gale had to help stop the suffering of these men. When Scott looks at a father's day card he made for his father that express his love, I felt hurt pulsing through my body. I though of all the ways I tried to impress him, please him and tried to be worthy of his love. Its hard when you want to show your parents that you love them by being who they want you to be, but if you are so far from their vision one can be torn.

I may cry during a lot of movies but I have never cried like that. I hope this blog has given you the desire to seek out this movie.All you need is the title and maybe a good source to watch it. Your in luck you can watch this movie on Netflix... you can even stream it. So go ahead add "Save Me" to your instant Que. I hope you enjoy it. My favorite from this movie is "Oh he is." You'll have to watch it to learn the context.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

White Daisy Passing

So I just got back from group. I said if I am 40 or 50 and still depressed and a lone, then I gave it a go and its time to move on to the next life. Of course people didn't want me to kill myself. I was annoyed by the reaction. I was think why did I react that way. I discovered the answer on my walk home. People have told me how it is so selfish of me to kill my self because I would make others sad. The truth is that is the reason I am still alive is I feel like I owed my loved ones to give it another go. So I have pushed through the pain and have been working hard so that I can be happy and be on earth with my loved ones. I will continue to try.

However If I am 40 or 50, I still want to kill myself because I am so miserable and alone. Then I say let me go. If it is selfish of me to not consider how my loved ones to feel, why isn't it selfish for my loved ones to let me go. A lot of people have taken people off life support because their pain or whatever reason. What is the big difference when a person has given it an honest go for 50 years of trying to find happiness, but still go to bed at night wishing death. If I am still in so much emotional pain that at times I feel physical pain because of it. If I am so depressed that I am still crying myself to sleep. Let me go. This life isn't the last time we will see each other.

I know this may seem morbid but its how I feel. I am sometimes jealous of people who are successful in suicide. They are free of some of their pain. They get to move on from this stupid life where they have a chance to get some answers. The successful aren't suffering in silence anymore. If they are my situation they have been suffering in silence for years and don't feel like they can be open and honest about it. (I know people will tell me to be more open and honest, but its not that simple) I guess I just want to give a voice to the suicidal who are hanging on for others. I know its hard to see others leave you, but remember their quality of life is devastating. They just want relief from the intense pain they obviously feel.