Can I Sail Through?

Lately I've been doing this behavioral reward system to help me get through this final semester. I feel stupid for having to resort to this method, but if it gets me out of BYU then I'll do it. So far it has helped me be productive. I'm glad that I am being productive, but at the end of the day I feel dispair. When I use the phrase "at the end of the day" I don't mean it literally. I mean that regardless of my productivity I still am depressed, sad, and left with the question in my head "what's the point?"

I feel like I am in cycle that I will not be able to break from. In this cycle I push myself out of my comfort zone, I manipulate my mind in whatever way necessary to be functional. It lasts for a time, then somehow I am dragged back into world that where my OQ score* is the only thing that has a positive. My hope for fixing this problem is not there. My sister is putting so much time and energy to help ensure my success.

My drive for fixing my will to live is fueled by guilt and obligation. Currently the source of my guilt is lack of happiness, that is paid for by my work and others as well, but is not recieved. I am working hard to achieve at least a sense of apathy, but am only achieving a day of productivity. When people look at it on my google calendar it is easy to imagine a character who is going places. The reality is that behind the schedule, complete with hours of study and 2 hours of an endorphin overdose,* there is a only a person who doesn't see the point of working this damn hard to go to bed with a personal death wish.

For now I start my day with masking the pain with manipulation. I collect the energy from the guilt, obligation and external sources. Finally expend the energy through out the day after each itemized task is fulfilled on my schedule. I get through it. I try the same pattern the next day. This pattern takes an initial internal hope that this "push" is worth it. That hope is being expended, I'm struggling to trust my sister and others that it will get better.

Now is the time where I make a reference to a song, that in my fucked up mind is the current representation of what I feel. Although this song is not a perfect match, it does resonate. I am on a landslide, getting older, resisting change in relationships, I have turned around and built my life around you*. For now I will do my best to make those people, who are graciously loaning me their energy, proud.

*Definitions

OQ: a test I take before a therapy session that attempts to asses my emotional state since the last session.

Endorphin Overdose: My exercise program

You: the LDS church