My Brian Never Stops Ticking...

Well today was pretty shitty. I am embarrassed to say that these past couple weeks of binge eating have put me back to 190. Last night I was eating and crying. I didn't want to eat but I couldn't stop my self. I ate until I couldn't take the pain anymore. I woke up this morning stressed. My stress lead to anxiety. What was I anxious about... getting fat. I still consider my self fat, even though people tell me I'm not. So really I'm afraid of getting fatter.

My anxiety turned into a panic attack. My panic attack didn't let up until about a mile into my run. I went to see my therapist and what happened I had another panic attack, this one was a lot worse. I lost control of my body, I started pushing against the floor with my feet as if to push away from my therapist. Then I grabbed my leg and squeezed. I couldn't stop, the harder I tried to stop the harder I would squeeze my leg. My arm and hands were in so much pain, all the muscles involved were basically in tetanus. I lost feeling in my foot and became extremely light headed because of my quick and shallow breaths. I ended it by replaying music in my head and instructed my therapist to not ask questions.

My anxiety is super high right now because as I mentioned earlier F$%@ my parents are coming this weekend. This is more stressful than I think some realize. I know my parents love me but the way they show it is what I'm worried about. I already know that they don't agree with me being gay... I just struggle with same sex attraction. So me dating men is disappointing to them.

I started reading No More Goodbyes... what a great book. The author does a great job of expressing the pain I feel without ever being a gay man who is mormon. I cried of course. I wish my parents understood the dilemma I deal with. The intense pain I feel. I feel trapped. I feel like if I live a celibate life like my father wants me to I will be waiting for death my whole life. I would be lonely and desperate for intimacy. As much as my friends and family are there for me I will never be number one, because they aren't my partner in life. Or I could be gay but live a life full of persecution, complications, and leave the church. Both suck.

Tonight the pain is intense, the anxiety rich, and the insomnia prevalent. My only hope is that my tears will lull me to sleep. But then again I'll probably have a nightmare tonight. So who will reject me and turn everyone against me to night in my unconsciousness. I guess we'll see.