Its 15 til 6 in the morning and I've been awake for the past couple of hours. Its amazing how insomnia messes with you. Less than a week ago was the first full nights rest I had with out any nightmares for a month. Last night I got bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. So I decided to watch the Netflix movie I had, Conviction. It was pretty good. I left me a mess.
I am going through a cycle. The cycle began when I got stressed out by my parents coming to visit. The stress lead to anxiety, that anxiety grew and graduated to panic attacks. I was binge eating, not exercising, being too extreme in exercising (almost to the point of injury), avoiding studying, working on the research. I was loosing control of my self. Then my parents came. In this cycle the event I am worried about can either confirm or deny my fears. This time it confirmed. So I got worse, I honestly think I was in shock after my parents "gay-vention." Not the holy crap kind of shock, the clinical kind. Then I have moments of strength where I force myself to do productive things to get me out of the pain. They usually don't last long at first. I struggle for a bit as time passes the pain starts to subside and I'm able to start rebuilding my life again.
In conviction this women loved her brother so much that she fought for him for 2 decades. She dedicated her life to free her innocent brother from prison. In the end she won. In the end she was glad she did it. However in the middle of it she had moments of dispair, but she never gave up. Even when her own brother wanted to give up. I am impressed with her determination. I wonder what gives her that determination. I want that determination to get in and through medical school. However I don't know if I have it.
I feel like I ruined my possibilities by continuing through school while I am extremely depressed. I have made poor decisions that will make life harder, let alone getting into a medical school. I feel like I need to learn from someone to stay motivated and get that determination to succeed.
My motivation to do the things I enjoy have left me. I haven't wanted to anything. As weird or confusing as this sounds I haven't wanted to spend my time not doing anything. Yesterday in group I talked about how I hate when I get like this. It puts my back in my progress. The progress I worked so hard to have. For example, I was so close to my goal fat percentage and now I'm where I was at the beginning of the summer.
This movie gave me hope. Hope that I can recover from this hell that I am in. It will be difficult and many won't believe it to be possible. Maybe it won't be, but I know that if I work really hard it will bring to a place better than this. I spent my friday night alone watching a movie in my empty apartment. It wasn't because I didn't have places I could go to be with friends. I could have gone to my roommates hockey game, or a friends concert. Or even my favorite thing, just showing up at the Velour and to listen to whoever was playing. It was because I am so depressed that I can't open my self up to be around people.
This blog is the most I have been able to be open to people outside of therapy and discussion with close family members. I have a friend, well more than one, who wants me to open up more to people. Its not as easy for me as it seems to be for her. It took me 24 years to open up to the first person in my life. It was a therapist, then a family member. Even then I still didn't completely open myself to them. I am better now. I have a couple people that I am extremely open with. I just don't trust people. I especially don't trust their words, but I trust their actions and reactions.
My father would hit me and tell me he loved me at that same time. He would tell me that he loved me while he was yelling at me in a rage. He would tell me that he is proud of me and doesn't agree with my decision in the same sentence. The conflicting messages I received from him and continue to receive from him make it hard to trust.
I need openness not because I think its a good idea for everyone to know me. I need openness to discount the "what ifs" in my head. The "what if they knew, they'd think differently." rhetoric. I need to relieve the shame I inherited from my parents. I need to love who am not who I am trying to be.
Part of the rebuilding cycle often includes someone. This time its my sister Misty. She is able to do what my parents aren't able to do at this time. She is giving me the confidence to move forward. It has been nice to spend time with her, even though it has been short moments. Her presence gives me the confidence that I can get through this. That's what I lack the most at this point, is presence. The presence of a loved one who I trust. I hope that these moments I get with people I trust will keep me going until I have enough confidence in myself to minimize the cycles.
I already feel the post family blues and my sister still hasn't left yet. In fact later today I will have dinner with them. So I feel bad that I already feel abandoned. I know my sister loves me. I just seem to need more reassurance than a the average person. After this movie I gained strength and determination to work again for my happiness. I am going to use this visit from my sister, this reassurance of her love for me to participate in the part of the cycle where that self improvement happens.
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