Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Music Box

So tonight I was thinking about the song music box by Regina Spektor. The song is excellent! Any way I am curious what Regina is really speaking. I don't think that she took meant it literally. She talks about life inside of a music box. I fell like that right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a box that limits my freedom. I am enclosed in this box by emotion. The extreme sadness acts as chains. I feel like no matter how hard I try I have to sing the sam song. I sick of singing my sad story. I just want away from everything that reminds me of my life. I think that's why suicide seems so pleasing at times. I realize I have live inside this box because I am broken. I want to experience things that are outside of the box. I am forced to continue living inside the box. Because the same thing is rehurst constantly i am costanly aware of the forces that keep me in the box. I love the lines, "Start to feel morality, I close my eye and think that I have found me." I feel like I can find myself. Any way I know this didn't make much. I keep dozing off while typing this. The point is I feel trapped and wish I could change it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

I want a six pack

So many know that I've been working on not being fat. Even though I have lost a lot of weight. I still have a lot more to loose. I started a program at BYU called Y be fit. So far I have had all the tests done. One of the test was a bod pod. I found out that I am 50 lb. of fat and 24.4 % body fat. So that means I should loose about 25 lb. of fat. I discovered that I need to improve my HDL levels! Exercise will help that a lot. Everything is normal or in the good category. Today is the day that I will start calorie counting. The good news is that I got an iPhone app to keep track of everything I eat. It also has a database to look up foods. I'm going to start with 1800 calories a day. The app suggested that. I'll have to keep playing with the daily intake. Its about time that when I tell people that I am an exercise science major that I look like it.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

I Want to Cut the Red One

So I went on a drive trough the canyon. This always give me the chance to really see how I feel about anything. As I was thinking about how I could improve my mental state. I realized that I explain away too many suggestions from my therapist or ideas I come up with. So this self realization frustrates me. The simple solution is stop explain why something won't work and just try it. The problem with simple solutions is that the "simple" usually refers to the the phrasing and not the implementation.
So I searched for reasons why I can't just try the suggested strategies. I discovered it just came down to hope. I don't believe that I will ever be happy with myself. I don't believe things will change for me emotionally. I don't really have any more hope for emotional improvement then the four times I attempted suicide. The only change that I have made is that now I have made the decision to not let my family go through my suicide. Since my last suicide attempt I decided to try to find ways that I could live my life to mask the way I truly feel. Even though I can create the best mask, I still recognize its just a cover up.
This evening all my energy will go to staying away from the razor, the pills, and the cliff. I will just day dream of what my life could be with out such a f%#@ed up mind. Or maybe I'll day dream about the how it might feel to alleviate myself from the stress of the world. I can listen to some Death cab, dashboard, and rocky. While I listen I can envision my mortal release. Hopefully it'll come soon.