Tuesday, September 13, 2011

This Shit is Making Me Tired...

It is almost 9:30 and I have not studied like I need to. I have a test thursday on all the bones and landmarks. What did I do instead, I ate and watched TV on my computer. I am back where I was years ago. I am terrified of taking this test. I am getting fat and isolating myself from people. My neck and back hurts from laying on my bed all day.

I'm trying so hard to get through this. I want to be like Stuart Matis. I want to make that kind of statement and leave this damn world. I want to leave the pain it causes me. I am angry, sad and hurt. I am hurt by the church I belong to, I am hurt by some of my friends, I am hurt by parents. I was looking at pictures of when I was in California at Ashley and Preston's wedding. I looked so happy and I felt happy. I was on road of recovery. Now I have been knocked of that road into an abandoned mine and broke my legs. I can't see where I'm going, I don't know which way is toward the earth's surface or how long it'll take to crawl out.

I don't understand why my pain is so intense. My therapist says to tell myself that "this is not my favorite." I am trying to just remember that this will pass. I just don't have the will to do the things that might help. I don't have the energy to manipulate myself. I wish there was someone that could just sit with me in my pain and hold my hand until I fall asleep.

What I want to say to all of you who are married or otherwise in a committed romantic relationship. Don't take that relationship for granted. In the end you always have that person who has committed his or her life to you. As you complain about the complications in your life because of it remember I am a lone in my bed wishing I had someone. The someone that I am able to have that relationship with is not in accordance with my church, some of my families beliefs.

These are the things passing through my mind:

You stupid fat ass, why did you eat that shit.
Idot why the hell didn't you study.
You lazy son of a bitch why did you waste your day.
You ungrateful bastard people are trying to help
Why the fuck are you still alive you have nothing to offer.
I hate you
Just cut your hands off.
You caused all these problems if you would just not be so stupid
You will never be happy
You will never find love
Your parents will abandon you
Your brothers will abandon you
Your sister's will abandon you
Your friends will abandon you
You will be a lone
You can't count on anyone
You will never be of value to anyone
You are so selfish
Just bleed it'll all go away
You are fat because you eat
You are fat because you are lazy
Your GPA isn't very good because you are stupid and lazy
You are ugly
You suck at running
You are weak
How can you ever be a good runner, you are fat
You will fail
You always will fail
You are the epitome of failure
You are a fuck up and always will be
You only have yourself to blame
You don't have value
The only reason why people have been nice is out of obligation
The only reason you are helping with this research is because the feel pity for you
Pity is the only reason anyone is willing to help you
Just shoot our self in the head
Stab your self
You deserve it
All this pain is your fault
Just cut of the fat then they'll have to remove it
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

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