A couple of weeks ago at a group therapy session I had a horrific panic attack. It was painful and my embarrassment was fuel. Its amazing how long I have been trying to fix myself. Trying to find a way to be happy, a way to be useful in this society. It has been a long road. Maybe road is not a word for it. The word road brings to mind a nicely paved part of the earth that help us travel. The word makes it seem more like its an aid in life. This journey for me feels more like I am in a jungle that combines all the various dangers and complications any jungle can bring. I have been fighting my way through. I feel like I am going in circles. I try to trust others when they say that they've seen progress.
I see progress, but its negated by my perfectionist mind. I convince myself that my progress isn't progress just luck of circumstance. I can no longer deny that I am not fat anymore. However I still view myself as chubby. I can no longer deny that I am not fit, but I feel like I should be more capable. I can not deny that I have people who love me, who care, who want me to be happy and pray for my success, but I feel unworthy of it.
I think this is the root of my problem. The shame I feel for existing, for using resources that are better suited for someone who isn't a lost cause. Society would benefit from someones else's recovery. My self hatred was passed on from my father and reenforced through my interactions with my family, church, schools, and peers. Until a couple years I came home from my mission I was successful at hiding my inner self. As with most people, a lack of authenticity can't last a life time. As I have been fighting my way through the jungle my life has been hell.
The jungle can symbolically represent many things in my life. It can be the facade I nourished and grew through out my life. Now that I can no longer sustain my life in that manner, I must journey to a more open and authentic self. Being my authentic self can help me to gain confidence in myself, teach me that my existence has value.
The jungle could also be the shame I have developed. Shame is not necessarily a bad thing, but the shame I experience is toxic. I have to get through the shame, adress it, and push through it. I can no longer sit and wait for someone to rescue me from it. I am lost in it and desperately want out. It has caused and continues to cause pain, hunger, and ensures loneliness. Leaving the shame behind will help me to build a sense of self. I can gain confidence in not that I am an amazing person, but gain confidence that I have value and can contribute in this society despite my flaws.
The jungle could also an obstacle in my life that have to push through. It will make me stronger, more wise, more compassionate. This trial can help me achieve my purpose in life, to gain Christlike attributes and improve my soul. Ending this trial can bring happiness. Happiness is always at its greatest directly after a depressive experience. This depressive experience has lasted years, the pain that was hidden for so long has become undeniable. The pain has been debilitating and loosing it will enable me.
I could go on with the symbolism of my life trying to get through this jungle, but its getting way too cliche for comfort. The point of this is my life is shitty. I hate myself. I want to change and am struggling to find the mechanism that will bring the desired result... my happiness.
I have made some big changes due to in part of my panic attack in group. That panic attack forced me to realize that I have not been as authentic as I thought and that I am still extremely guarded. I also realized the role of the church in my life. As much as I love the church, I love many of its teachings and how it has helped me to develop my core beliefs, I realized that it is a major enforcer of my shame. Just like I need my space from my father, another major shame re enforcer, I need my space from the church. I knew that I needed that space a while ago, however the space is not large enough. So I have made some changes that were a daily reminder of my shame and have deadly toxicity.
These changes have hurt someone dear to me and when some others learn of this change it will likely hurt them as well. Its hard for some to understand my decisions, I want so desperately to convince them that I am in the right for validation my decision. However, I need to start trusting myself. I need build confidence in my decision making and stop relying on others validation.
I want to make my friends and family proud by conquering this debilitating factor of my life. I will continue to refer to the words that suggest the temporary nature of this self hatred. That I will be free of this burden. I am told that one day I will look back and realize that it works out in the end. One day I hope to be the support to someone who feel the way I do and confidently believe the words "It gets better."