This past week... wow. It was awful! I was fine as long as I was busy. However as soon as I get some free time I couldn't stop the emotions from affecting my diet. I feel like I am back where I was two years ago. I don't really have any desire to do anything. Nothing seems like it is worth the effort.
Yesterday at church my Elder's quorum president pulled me to the side, he "noticed" that I hadn't come to priesthood for the past couple of weeks. I think he was trying to be nice. I haven't been to priesthood for a couple of months. I was not in a good mood and was a little rude. I wish I wasn't. I told him that I won't be going to priesthood. He then said that every member is important and contributes great things the quorum. He is a nice guy. It just annoys me when people say stuff like that. Does he even know me? When I go to priesthood I sit in the back and just listen. I keep my mouth shut, even if I might have worth while to speak about. I have tried to make friends in the quorum and it never really works.
I made the decision to stop attending Sunday school and priesthood because I would leave them more angry and/or depressed. It didn't seem to be helping me become more Christ like, therefore it is not for me right now. I think that's the hardest thing about going to church is that I feel like I don't really fit in. I as a friend told me "[I go] against everything we've been taught." or my Dad said "[I] don't fit into the plan of salvation." Granted they were talking about being gay, but gay is what I am. I would love to go to Sunday school and priesthood to be uplifted. However that hasn't been happening for the past couple of years. I want to do it for the sake of my Elder's quorum president. It was nice of him to invite me to come.
The pain is just becoming more and more unbearable as the days have gone by since my parents held the "gay-vention." Its supposed to get better. While I am becoming more functional, the pain numbs my emotion. My body has gone into survival mode. I am constantly exhausted. Even though through out the day am feel like I am on the verge of falling asleep, when it comes to sleepy time it takes at least an hour to fall asleep. I'm just sick of manipulating myself to attempt to control my emotions and actions. I just want it to end.
I am so sorry Mark.
ReplyDeleteAnd honestly, who is to say how being gay fits or doesn't fit into the plan of salvation? God made you the way you are, which means to me that He has a purpose for you the way you are.
I think you fit in. But maybe you just don't fit into a BYU Student ward. You should move up here and go to my ward. :) It's a lot more accepting of differences around here. Or maybe it's easier to be oblivious of others' unacceptance? Either way, anything's better than a singles' ward, I think.
Last night Gabe and I were reading out of Preach my Gospel and when it refers to the Plan of Salvation it says it is one for for individuals and families. I believe that they put those two things in there separately on purpose. God has a specific plan for you, I can't tell you what that is... and neither can anyone else.
ReplyDeleteWe love you Mark, we really enjoyed seeing you the other night and hope we can all continue to hang out.
BYU single's wards are difficult. Singles wards are difficult period... I still have a difficult time going to church, especially relief society. I don't fit in, and it is becoming apparent that I probably never will. I have to remind myself every week that people are not what church is about and sometimes the Spirit really touches me.
I hope things look up for you.
Mark. Keep your head up and be happy. Forget those that don't understand and just live your life. Stick it out a little longer at BYU and you're finally free from misery. The fact that you're even making the effort to go to sacrament is good enough. Don't cause your life more sadness, guilt, resentment, etc by doing things that make you feel like that i.e. Sunday School and Priesthood. God loves you. I truly believe that now. Growing up you always here that and think that, but I really really believe it now more than ever. I can't wait for Wednesday! I'm gonna knock some sense into you:)
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