Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.
As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.
I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.