Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Yeah, I'll Tell You Something. I Think You'll Understand.

This morning when I woke up I was homicidal. As most of you know and not unique to myself, I hate mornings.  Ask Misty... Mary... Tommy... Mat... anyone I've lived with.  Thinks did not go my way so naturally I was pouty.  As the day went on I worked to get myself into a better mood.  I succeeded.  Then a co worker of mine told me to never get married after complaining about going dress shopping with his wife.  I replied with my usual response.  "I can't, its illegal."

A couple things bothered me about my response the first being that it is ilegal.  The second was that my response, while funny and sad, was pointing out my sexuality.  I noticed that it comes up a lot for me, especially in jokes. A good friend and co worker of mine asked me if I was going to be one of those gays that through their sexuality in everyones face.  I reassured him that was not my style.  While It wasn't then, it is now apparently. 

I feel bad always bringing it up to people, talking excessively about my boyfriend.  It's not like I consciously work it into conversations, I am merely conversing.  I have though about why I have become the gay that talks about being gay.  I have a few hypothesis to why that is.

Being gay is huge part of my life, especially right now.  I've only been out for a one and half years.  I only have been comfortable with my sexuality for 6 months.  Its on my mind a lot not just because it's new but also because it comes with complications.  These complications make it something very conscious in my mind.  For example, people are on a spectrum of acceptance.  The demographic causes the population to lean to the less pleasurable side of that spectrum.  Then there is the fact that LGBTQ individuals are not legally protected and denied rights and privileges.  I have to worry about how people take it.  I have to be sensitive to others about what I can and can not do infront of them.  Before you say that its no different than your heterosexual relationship... STOP.  It is not, I will not go into detail... but trust me it is not the same. 

Then there is the fact that the default sexuality is heterosexuality... which means people automatically assume you are heterosexual.  I have learned to love this aspect of myself.  I won't say I wouldn't have it any other way... because that is stupid.  We always take the easy way when we have the choice.  Any way I was born with this sexuality and learned to love being gay.  After years of hating my sexual orientation  I am able to not just love it, but also experience it.  

I tend to talk about things I care about. Sue me, but you'll loose.  We live in a heterosexual world (and right handed ;) world.  So if it feels like the gays are being overbearing with our sexuality.  Ask yourself what it'd be like if you where in our situation.  We are abnormal, statistically  therefore we are noticed.  Heterosexuality is the opposite.  Tell me what you think?  Should I be more apologetic? What is your hypothetical story if you were in my situation?  Please comment. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Shine Bright Like a Dimond

Usually, this time of year consist people being annoyed by the early onset of zealous Christmas cheer.  I am annoyed with other's annoyance of me and the Thanksgiving Christmas cheer block.  Last year I was all scroogy.  I hated life and didn't have much hope.  I wanted my Thanksgiving to be completely void of people and Christmas could involve people as long as Misty was one of them.

This year is different, in the fact that I am not a scrooge.  In spite of my control of Christmas cheer, I may annoy people with my Christmas tree, or music.  However, those differences are a result of the change that has happened over the past year.  It is really hard to think that just a year ago I was hanging on to life.  The change really happened this spring, continued through the summer, and still continues with less acceleration.

I have a lot to be thankful for and it feels good.

First I would have to thank my sister Misty.  You'd never know that 4 years ago she indirectly and deeply insulted me.  If forgiveness required some sort of payment, she would have paid it off and the 100% intrest it would accumulate.  She has helped me become okay with myself, she has helped my family become ok with who I am, and she has helped others reconcile their understanding of homosexuality.  But the time when I needed her the most... she was there.  When my parents came to visit me that labor day I was felt like I lost my mother and all hope of a father.  Misty kept me in school.  We came up with a plan, she held me accountable for that.  She called me every morning to make sure I woke up to work out.  She called and/or texted through out the day.  All this and more even though she is typical soccer mom of four very active children.  Misty supported me through the darkest time of my life.  Misty literally saved my life.

Like Misty, my counselors deserve respect and gratitude.  They brought the professional help that I needed and Misty could not provide while working through the events, thoughts, and emotions.  I include all the group members in counseling as well.  I needed profesional help and I found it in the BYU counseling center.

Next Kendall and USGA.  USGA was a place that I could go and learn.  At first I just observed others with limited interaction.  I was still very confused and unsure about who I wanted for myself.  After the filming but before the release of the it gets better video.  I had some significant talks with Kendall.  That helped me understand myself and my parents.  Kendall will love this next statement.  I learned what empathy really is and developed methods to use this tool to help my family come to terms with my sexuality.  My understanding and acceptance has been greatly aided by these individuals.  There are specific people from USGA who have reached out to me. I'm talking to you Bridey, Derek, Ellen, Erich, Brent, and more.

Lastly, I have Kevin to thank.  Even though I don't understand it, he liked me.  He liked me enough to accept my invitations.  Prior to us become a couple, I felt incapable of having a romantic relationship.  I felt too broken, too hurt, and unrepairable.  Kevin proved me wrong.  He loves me, even though I get bitchy when I'm hungry.  He supports me when I am hating myself, for whatever reason, but its usually my appearance.  When I am hurting he comforts me.  Before you think its all bad. He dances dirty with me. Kevin will out in the cold snow to enjoy the city.  Kevin laughs at my funny jokes, he watches 30 Rock with me.  Warms me up when I'm cold.  He proved my hopelessness to be a farse.

I am grateful for many others, including my family.  Yes my parents, while they are still struggling with the reality of my life, they are honestly trying to understand it.  I am grateful for that stupid video that made me a minor local celebrity among the LDS gays.  Although, these things just didn't happen, I worked hard to gain the emotional health I have obtained, I am lucky that it worked.  The years of therapy, meditation, medication (including the exercise and diet), difficult talks, stupid vulnerability  and over all work has finally seemed worth the effort.  This Thanksgiving, I have hope.