Saturday, December 1, 2012

Cause I Need this Hole Gone

I love Rihanna's new album so much.  The following lyrics is a song from that album.  This song has been going through my mind all week.  After the past few days it has become a song that reminds me of my abusive relationship with the LDS church. Much like my relationship with my father it will always exist I have to learn to forgive and move on without falling into the victim role of the abuse. 
The orange section is the one that speaks the most to me. Any way enjoy this song, I do... over and over again.

A cold sweat hot-headed believer
I threw my hands in the air and said show me something
He said, if you dare come a little closer
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay

It's not much of a life you're living
It's not just something you take, it's given
Round and around and around and around we go
Ohhh now tell me now tell me now tell me now you know

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
And I want you to stay

Ohhh the reason I hold on
Ohhh cause I need this hole gone
Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving
Cause when you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
And it takes me all the way
I want you to stay, stay
I want you to stay, ohhh

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Yeah, I'll Tell You Something. I Think You'll Understand.

This morning when I woke up I was homicidal. As most of you know and not unique to myself, I hate mornings.  Ask Misty... Mary... Tommy... Mat... anyone I've lived with.  Thinks did not go my way so naturally I was pouty.  As the day went on I worked to get myself into a better mood.  I succeeded.  Then a co worker of mine told me to never get married after complaining about going dress shopping with his wife.  I replied with my usual response.  "I can't, its illegal."

A couple things bothered me about my response the first being that it is ilegal.  The second was that my response, while funny and sad, was pointing out my sexuality.  I noticed that it comes up a lot for me, especially in jokes. A good friend and co worker of mine asked me if I was going to be one of those gays that through their sexuality in everyones face.  I reassured him that was not my style.  While It wasn't then, it is now apparently. 

I feel bad always bringing it up to people, talking excessively about my boyfriend.  It's not like I consciously work it into conversations, I am merely conversing.  I have though about why I have become the gay that talks about being gay.  I have a few hypothesis to why that is.

Being gay is huge part of my life, especially right now.  I've only been out for a one and half years.  I only have been comfortable with my sexuality for 6 months.  Its on my mind a lot not just because it's new but also because it comes with complications.  These complications make it something very conscious in my mind.  For example, people are on a spectrum of acceptance.  The demographic causes the population to lean to the less pleasurable side of that spectrum.  Then there is the fact that LGBTQ individuals are not legally protected and denied rights and privileges.  I have to worry about how people take it.  I have to be sensitive to others about what I can and can not do infront of them.  Before you say that its no different than your heterosexual relationship... STOP.  It is not, I will not go into detail... but trust me it is not the same. 

Then there is the fact that the default sexuality is heterosexuality... which means people automatically assume you are heterosexual.  I have learned to love this aspect of myself.  I won't say I wouldn't have it any other way... because that is stupid.  We always take the easy way when we have the choice.  Any way I was born with this sexuality and learned to love being gay.  After years of hating my sexual orientation  I am able to not just love it, but also experience it.  

I tend to talk about things I care about. Sue me, but you'll loose.  We live in a heterosexual world (and right handed ;) world.  So if it feels like the gays are being overbearing with our sexuality.  Ask yourself what it'd be like if you where in our situation.  We are abnormal, statistically  therefore we are noticed.  Heterosexuality is the opposite.  Tell me what you think?  Should I be more apologetic? What is your hypothetical story if you were in my situation?  Please comment. 

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Shine Bright Like a Dimond

Usually, this time of year consist people being annoyed by the early onset of zealous Christmas cheer.  I am annoyed with other's annoyance of me and the Thanksgiving Christmas cheer block.  Last year I was all scroogy.  I hated life and didn't have much hope.  I wanted my Thanksgiving to be completely void of people and Christmas could involve people as long as Misty was one of them.

This year is different, in the fact that I am not a scrooge.  In spite of my control of Christmas cheer, I may annoy people with my Christmas tree, or music.  However, those differences are a result of the change that has happened over the past year.  It is really hard to think that just a year ago I was hanging on to life.  The change really happened this spring, continued through the summer, and still continues with less acceleration.

I have a lot to be thankful for and it feels good.

First I would have to thank my sister Misty.  You'd never know that 4 years ago she indirectly and deeply insulted me.  If forgiveness required some sort of payment, she would have paid it off and the 100% intrest it would accumulate.  She has helped me become okay with myself, she has helped my family become ok with who I am, and she has helped others reconcile their understanding of homosexuality.  But the time when I needed her the most... she was there.  When my parents came to visit me that labor day I was felt like I lost my mother and all hope of a father.  Misty kept me in school.  We came up with a plan, she held me accountable for that.  She called me every morning to make sure I woke up to work out.  She called and/or texted through out the day.  All this and more even though she is typical soccer mom of four very active children.  Misty supported me through the darkest time of my life.  Misty literally saved my life.

Like Misty, my counselors deserve respect and gratitude.  They brought the professional help that I needed and Misty could not provide while working through the events, thoughts, and emotions.  I include all the group members in counseling as well.  I needed profesional help and I found it in the BYU counseling center.

Next Kendall and USGA.  USGA was a place that I could go and learn.  At first I just observed others with limited interaction.  I was still very confused and unsure about who I wanted for myself.  After the filming but before the release of the it gets better video.  I had some significant talks with Kendall.  That helped me understand myself and my parents.  Kendall will love this next statement.  I learned what empathy really is and developed methods to use this tool to help my family come to terms with my sexuality.  My understanding and acceptance has been greatly aided by these individuals.  There are specific people from USGA who have reached out to me. I'm talking to you Bridey, Derek, Ellen, Erich, Brent, and more.

Lastly, I have Kevin to thank.  Even though I don't understand it, he liked me.  He liked me enough to accept my invitations.  Prior to us become a couple, I felt incapable of having a romantic relationship.  I felt too broken, too hurt, and unrepairable.  Kevin proved me wrong.  He loves me, even though I get bitchy when I'm hungry.  He supports me when I am hating myself, for whatever reason, but its usually my appearance.  When I am hurting he comforts me.  Before you think its all bad. He dances dirty with me. Kevin will out in the cold snow to enjoy the city.  Kevin laughs at my funny jokes, he watches 30 Rock with me.  Warms me up when I'm cold.  He proved my hopelessness to be a farse.

I am grateful for many others, including my family.  Yes my parents, while they are still struggling with the reality of my life, they are honestly trying to understand it.  I am grateful for that stupid video that made me a minor local celebrity among the LDS gays.  Although, these things just didn't happen, I worked hard to gain the emotional health I have obtained, I am lucky that it worked.  The years of therapy, meditation, medication (including the exercise and diet), difficult talks, stupid vulnerability  and over all work has finally seemed worth the effort.  This Thanksgiving, I have hope.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Same Fight that Lead People to Walk-Outs and Sit-Ins

You can barf now Becca
I am happy that I am with Kevin, check that, I am ecstatic that I get to date Kevin.  I have never been full of this much joy.  I worked hard for the happiness, I earned it.  Despite that fact that I have never been happier, it doesn't mean I don't have sad times.  I want to share some sad times and frustrations.  Remember how I'm good at that.

Kevin and I have had hateful words directed toward us.  We ignore the offenders. We have been sensitive to other people who are uncomfortable with our relationship and limiting our PDA to be non existant in some cases.  We love each other and we want to do the same, appropriate PDA other couples do with out the negative effects.  However that is not the world we live in.

I am frustrated with apologizing for my happiness.  I shouldn't have to defend my happiness because someone seeing my relationship as a sin.  I am tired of dismissing the hurtful words directed at me personally and at my fellow LGBT community.  I am tired of being denied validation for my personal definition of happiness.  I am tired of contemplating if I'll come out to someone at work by simply having a conversation about my weekend. I am tired of hearing people use the word gay as a synonym for stupid.

Today at work during the anti discrimination training I was reminded of progress that needs to be made.  I heard the word gay used negatively, as a slur, among other language expressing discrimination toward the G of the LGBT.  I would like to point out that this occurred during a briefing about how an employee is protected from discrimination.

I love Kevin, I enjoy his company and especially his love.  Surprisingly enough I love kissing him as well, holding his hand walking to Harmon's to get gelato.  I love being my authentic self.  Now that I know more of who I am and accept that, I just want to pursue my happiness just like every other American.  I want to share my joy of being in love for the first time.  I'm in love for the first time at 29, I may be late to the game but I am here. I deserve to participate equally.

Monday, October 1, 2012

And if you don't wanna be down with me You don't wanna pick from my appletree.

Romney vs. Obama.  Here in Utah it feels like ROMNEY vs. Obama.  I thought I'd share my views on:

1. How I choose who to vote for.
2. What is most important to me in this election.
3. Who I will be voting for (even though you probably know).

How I choose who to vote for.

First a little government lesson.  There are three branches of government.  The executive, judicial and legislative. The legislative (the House and Congress) makes the laws.  The executive (the President and cabinet)  branch enforces the law. Judicial system ensures the other branches are doing their job within the confines of the Constitution.  

That information is important because I see the president is in office as primarily a leader. NOT a lawmaker. I recognize that a president does push for laws to be made.  Pushing his/her political agenda is part of the process, but remember congress passes the law, including the budget.  The President promotes what he/she would like to see become law.  Ideology is important for a President to have.  When I listen to a leader I want to feel inspired, I want to be moved to action, etc.  So it is important to me for the President to be idealistic. 

Because the President is a leader and the face of America.  The President needs to be a good diplomat and I must like their foreign policy.  So I need a President to be able to interact with the other world leaders in fashion that promotes progress.  A President that can not be a good representation of America, while being respectful. Recap, I want an idealistic President, who inspires me and other nations.

What is most important for this election in choosing a President?

The ideal that I try to live by is equal opportunity.  While that is two simple words what it means to me is providing everyone the opportunity to pursue their individualized happiness.  There are many things that make opportunity unequal. Some of the issues that are preventing many from achieving their pursuit of happiness are: money, education, health and discrimination.  

Money provides more opportunity than all of the others listed because money help correct the other issues.  Education helps a person get a good job so he or she can provide for his or her family.  Education requires money. Less financial problems promote good health.  Good healthcare benefits usually come from good jobs. Good jobs come from good education and education requires money. Discrimination is prevalent with race, sex and yes you guessed it, sexuality.  Obviously, one of those categories is more pertinent to my life.  

To be more specific I want this President to push for an economic plan that will help all American's be successful in pursuing their happiness.  I want the President to continue to find solutions for our health care system (we have the knowledge, but many do not have the access).  I want anti discrimination laws put in place, in regards to the LGBT community.  That means legalizing gay marriage, removing laws prohibiting homosexual couples from adopting, and all the other ways that the LGBT community is discriminated against (like being fired or evicted based on sexual orientation). LGBT rights are the most important issue this election.  While some may feel it shouldn't be, they are probably not gay. 

Who will I vote for?

I think the answer was obvious before I answered the other two questions.  However if you haven't figured it out by now I question your intellect. I will be voting for President Obama.  President Obama is inspiring when he speaks, he is well liked by many countries, he is pushing economic plans that have worked in the past (Pres. Clinton).  He is more quick to talk it out, rather than fight it out.  He supports LGBT rights.

Romney, has upset most of the countries he has visited.  His economic plan is vague and what I understand it involves cutting taxes and "entitlement programs." While less taxes for me are awesome, less taxes for someone like Romney is not awesome.  Entitlement programs are there to help provide opportunity, I support reforming them, not completely cutting them. I don't feel inspired when Romney speaks, but that may be due to my presumptions  Lastly, Romney is will not help to promote LGBT rights, he is against many.  Their are other reasons I don't want him as my president, however, I don't need to expand.  

I felt the need to share because I am tired of the hateful Facebook posts.  I loose respect for people when they say that people who will still support Obama after reading whatever they posted.  Or people saying voting for Obama means that I'm ignorant. There are many who will be voting for Obama because of sound and valid logic.  I may not be a fan of Romney, but I do not believe he is evil.  I do believe he is a man who wants what is best for his country.  I just don't agree with his ideals.  So please, just because you don't understand why someone is voting different from you it doesn't mean they are uninformed or unintelligent.  So please try to understand their position before attacking them. 

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Your Love Is My Drug

Notice the Picture on the right.
I think I should get back into blogging.  I stopped because of good, but not necessarily for good reason.  As my last post stated a lot has changed in my life.  The most important change has been my increasing happiness.  I started to notice a my mood improving the end of May.  If I was still taking that survey that quantified my depression and dispar, it would have been close to the "normal" line. I hit the threshold, so I was ready to connect with Kevin. Since then Kevin has been my catalyst.  He is the most effective enzyme to improving my emotional health.

I will now refer to Kevin as enzyme K... it seems appropriate given our background.  Like an enzyme when he is near the chemistry is simplified and thus more efficient.  When enzyme K is in the far land of Utah county, I miss his presence.  I count down the days until I see my precious enzyme, I calculate the time at which I can text him so I don't interrupt his study, exercise and other productive activities. I contemplate the number of seconds it will take this next time to fill his love in our first embrace since our last encounter.

I am not quite sure of the specifics of how enzyme K works, but since I am a scientist I have the skills to find out.  So far there is a strong correlation, when he is near my happiness increases.  I have theorized that it could be that handsome face or the size of his brain.  His energy and/or his socialality.  But my current theory is that he uses a combination of all his great traits to catalyze the chemistry between.  Further research is needed to confirm current theories or bring up completely new ones.  I will continue to use my scientific reasoning to figure it out and will enjoy the discovery.

Friday, August 24, 2012

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well.

So it's been a long... long time since I've posted on my blog.  Fortunately its because things have changed.  So I will list some changes.

     1. I am now 29.
     2. I may make finance for the Air Force my career.
     3. I am starting to like fish.
     4. I have a boyfriend.

So number 4 is the biggest change, but my father would argue that its I'm starting to like fish.  So yes I have a boyfriend.  The progression from where I was at the end of May to now has been exponential in regards to my psyche.  I believe it first started with the It Gets Better video.  At first it was hard being that vulnerable.  Then I started to feel good, because of the love that was directed toward me and mostly the feeling of being truly authentic was more of a reality.

Then Pride weekend happened, the overwhelming love and support I felt from not only the gay community but from the LDS community as well.  And yes, that is when its started with Kevin... my boyfriend.

This is where I explain how I went from being single to having a boyfriend (skip if you'd like to "This is where..."). As cliche but at the same time unique it maybe it started on the dance floor.  There was a connection between us as we danced, then grew as we spent pride weekend together.  I even spent the afternoon with his mother.  As we spent more time together we our connection grew.  We connected over checking out men at a pool party.  We connected watching a drag show at a club that night.  We connected over admiring Dustin Lance Black as he presented USGA with a courage award.  We connected by being the debbie downers for Braidan and our love for health.  As the weekend came to a close I knew I was crushing on him.

The next two weeks were this overwhelming and mutual sense of desire to be together.  The connection we had developed was so strong and obvious we both were questioned by fellow USGAers, including to but not limited to the Queen of USGA, what was going on between us.  I was waiting for him to make a move, but he was probably doing the same.  I eventually got the courage to ask him out despite his expression to not want to date anyone until he graduated.  With some encouragement from Braidan, I asked Kevin out.

Our first date started out very uniquely.  We were interviewed for a newspaper in regards to the It Gets Better video.  When we said our goodbyes to the reporter and his photographer.  He asked if we were together.  The rest of the story went remarkably unoriginally into a relationship.

This were I explain why my life is so much better.  Through cultivating a relationship with Kevin I have gained more self confidence.  Affirmation in regards to my decision to date men.  Improved my spirituality and more.  The two most influential items on the list where experience a part of the human experience I had not and I have returned to the Mark who can not sit still long enough to watch a movie without falling asleep.

The romantic connection I have tried to create with in my self for very worthy women came intuitively with Kevin.  The development of our relationship was natural, unforced yet nurtured, and based on authenticity.  I now feel like I understand straight people.  It was nice not to choose a girl to date and then proceed to design a protocol to turning her into a girlfriend.  It always ended the same, the connection I felt never grew past friendship for me.  I am thankful but apologetic to all the girls I have dated but failed move into a relationship that ended in marriage.  This Hollywood romanticism has been  a wonderful addition to my life experience.  When I say wonderful, I mean it as great but also full of wonder and awe.

So as a result of this relationship I hate myself less, gained a new significant life experience, grown closer to God, and become the bubbly, out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  Except this time I was the honest bubbly out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  I never knew that a person could be this happy.  I never understood that this type of relationship was so helpful and important for my life experience.  Now that I am in the know, the probability of a death due to natural causes is high.

Even if Kevin and I break up next week (which is highly unlikely) I have gained a new hope.  I have many people in my life to thank.  I have let them know of my gratitude and will continue to let them know.  So Kendall and Misty you are arguably the persons who saved my life (I shouldn't forget my therapists).  The day that you two finally meet... which will be sunday.  I will title "the meeting of the gods."  While Kendall and Misty seemed to have been essential through this journey.  Many of you have been helpful.  Whether it has been words of encouragement, someone to talk to and/or lovingly challenge me, an offering of different perspectives, being my boyfriend (wink, wink), etc.  Know that you have changed my life for the better.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

He Reminded Me the Only Way to Keep Aliens from Reading Your Mind

This is a message I received a while back, I thought you guys would be interested in reading the message and my response.


I appreciate your comments and would like to offer a suggestion. If, as you say, you would like to "down the straight pill" that would remove same-sex attraction, consider visiting Jan Graf of Graf Stress Management (St. George, UT) or me, Elizabeth Richardson (Rockville, MD). I have written about the technique we use on my website ( although I don't specifically address its use with homosexuality there. However, I'd be happy to discuss it with you if you get in touch with me.

People divide into two camps on homosexuality: it's either a condition of birth or a choice. From what I see, neither is correct. My perspective is that when we're under extreme stress (and with homosexuality, that stress was often molestation), we become vulnerable to being bothered by negative entities (what the scriptures refer to as devils and evil spirits, the latter being disembodied spirits of those who once lived on earth as we do now but linger here rather than continuing to progress for a variety of reasons) who can actually get in us as "squatters" or "poachers," if you will.

As stated in The Family: A Proclamation to the World, spirits have gender. When they gain access to us, they then can express feelings and opinions which sound to us as though they're our own -- even complete with corresponding physical symptoms -- but which really are not ours. Get a female spirit into a male body and you have someone who feels like 'a woman trapped in a man's body,' a common statement made by gays. The female spirit occupying space in the man's body is still naturally attracted to males and expresses this preference, but to the world (including the man whose body she's occupying) it appears to be a man attracted to another man. I know it sounds weird in our scientific age, where we prefer to believe in chemical imbalances and gender identity issues and so forth, but I have seen this borne out again and again.

Graf Stress Management works quickly and efficiently with this problem, but ONLY when the client wants to address it. As with anything else in life, individual agency is the bedrock principle.

Frankly, I'd welcome a chance to talk this over with you or anyone else. My biggest frustrations is that this simple, gospel-based solution is not widely known. Instead, there is the constant back-and-forth hostility between two completely false (and insoluble) options, that homosexuality is a choice vs. that it's an accident of birth.

Elizabeth Cardon Richardson

Thank you for reaching out to me through that blog. I apologize for taking so long I get back to you. Your post was not published but Kathryn shared it with me. I admit when I first read your post I was ready to fight. As I have let my reactionary emotions subside I was able to hear the love you undoubtedly are expressing.
While I know you are offering help I respectfully decline. I would like to offer my perspective however, and discuss some of the points you make that are at least inaccurate for my experience but likely for many.
The first being my desire for the straight pill. The desire is weakening and only exists because of desperation for my father's approval. Being straight would allow me to marry the way he expects me to marry. Also life as a straight man is generally easier than life as a gay man.
The second point being the notion that a gay man is a woman trapped in a man's body. This is often offensive to gay men. A woman trapped in a man's body is better defined as transgender. While I trust that gay men have described this to explain their gay  experience, I'd argue that it often is misunderstood. The gay men I associate with do not feel like a woman but some use this expression to describe their effeminate qualities. In fact a lot of gay men are insecure about others seeing them as women, because we are clearly men (transgender woman my biologically be a man but consider themselves women trapped in a man's body). I hope the Distinction makes  sense.

This leads me to your explanation that reminds me of Scientology, that people under stress are possessed by squatters. While I admit I am skeptical of this hypothesis, I recognize I don't know everything and this maybe the case. My experience would support the theory that my sexuality is innate and natural. As I have become more accepting of my sexuality I have gained more peace. Stress in my life have been decreasing, I am less worried about being perfect and more worried about improving myself. I believe that the new authenticity I am expressing is the cause for decreased stress.

I would never actively stop any persons who would like to use the Garf method. If a person is benefited from thus program than I support them. Like you stated the participant must believe it'll work. I go not believe my sexuality will change or should change. I feel my work is to now rid my mind of the toxic shame that has been my motivation in life.

I want to express my gratitude to you again for reaching out to me. It was very kind to do so. I hope you have not taken offense to my objections but see them as me reaching out to you to create better understanding of gay men.

Thank You

Sunday, June 10, 2012

We are Stronger Than Before the Strain Had Broken Us and There is Fight in Us I Know

I just got home from church and don't have much time before the Echol's arrive for dinner. However I feel the need to share my experience today at church.  I wish I could be boosting of an experience that Zach shared moments ago on the USGA page.  I am struggling to keep understanding and empathy in mind when I think of my church experience today.

During sacrament meeting a talk was given, and well spoken I might add.  However, erred on the judgmental and imposed definitions side.  This brother spoke about being a liberal vs conservative latter day saint.  He was not speaking of political liberalism or conservatism, but more in the interpretation of the practice of mormonism.  He spoke of liberal mormons intelectualize their reasons for following the church's teaching, where conservative follower only need faith to obey.  His talk mirrored the rhetoric that you can not be a "cafeteria Mormon," a true follower of the religion accepts all or nothing.  I actively changed my thoughts to judging this man to trying to see the good in his message and understand the principles that resonate with me.

After his talk I went out to use the restroom and a sister stopped to talk to me.  She had recognized me from the video.  It was so sweet of her to not only talk with me.  She left the room because of the talk.  She was offended by the his comments about proposition 8.  After I went back in to listen to the other speakers, their message focused more on love and becoming Christlike.  They resonated with me and gave reason to continue to attend the remainder of the meetings.

In sunday school, proposition 8 was brought up again.  The message of not supporting the amendment was going against the Prophet and a sign of apostasy.  The rhetoric changed to being unified in all aspects of the church with the Prophet was equivalent to being unified with God.  I again fought the urge to judge, stand up and leave.  Luckily the same girl and others started to direct the conversation away to a message that was less offensive about agency and love.

Elder's quorum just isn't Elder's quorum with out a discussion of home teaching in the opening exercises.  This week was the week that they passed out the new assignments.  The Elder's quorum president who not only has a profession similar to that of Jason Bourne and hot, has the task of helping me not hate the popo.  Back to home teaching. The Elder's quorum president told us that accepting this slip of paper was a commitment to fulfill the home teaching assignment and if we did not want to accept the commitment we were to give it back at the end of church.  I had decided a while ago that home teaching was not a way that I would participate with in the church, even though I did my final semester in the Lanai ward (only because I respect and fully supported my companion and roommate). I had to disappoint this good looking man by declining the offer.

My heart was already hurting when I attended and am considerably more sensitive to these experiences due to a conversation with my niece.  She told me even though she loved and supported me, she didn't like my decision to date men.  While I respect her decision to conform the conclusions she wishes, it still hurts to not have the validation.  The statement may or may not be a reflection of her parents feelings and conclusions.  I was in no way surprised and tried my best to prepare.  The preparation probably helped but didn't prevent the hurt (if you are reading this my beloved niece, please do not worry about hurting me, I know you love me regardless, I prefer honesty to silence). I then proceeded to break an important rule, I drank while sad.  Now I have to live with the previously prescribed self inflicted consequences.

These experiences this weekend are in contrast of last weekend and a reminder of why a productive conversations is necessary.  I don't think that these people who have had a negative impact on me are evil, bad or intentionally did so.  I do believe there is room for more understanding of each other.  I hope that I can continue to push through my own insecurities and pain to be apart of the change.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Shake it, Shake it Baby, Shake Your Ass Out on the Street

Pride weekend was fun, emotional, and arousing. (winking emoticon)

USGA received a courage award for the 'It Gets Better' video. As they introduced us they showed the last little bit of the video.  The emotions started.  We were invited on stage and Nathan was given the award. Again I got emotional. The support and love from the crowd was unexpected.  I looked out into the crowd and it hit me how far I've come.  A year ago I was at home binging on food and television.  That weekend my roommates were out of town.  I had just come out, or started coming out.  On that stage not only was I very much out, I was happy about it.

Sunday I joined the Mormon Building Bridges in marching in the parade.  Even though I was exhausted from all the partying the two previous days, I was full of energy.  A couple of my straight friends marched with with me, I was greeted by my USGA crew, and the turn out was incredible.  All of those people was energizing.  What really pumped me up was the crowd.  They were so loving and thankful.  I realize the crowd's love and gratitude were directed to the straight marchers. It meant a lot to me to see the crowd so welcome of these Mormon allies.  Many have been hurt deeply by the church and/or its members, including myself.  I can not imagine a happy life with out the two identities being at odds with each other.  The two communities have hurt and fought each other for years.  I am seeing the healing begin between the two parties.  That healing is helping me heal.

I have to once again thank Kendall.  I'm sure he is annoyed with my praise, I borderline worship him.  While I realize that he is not the only force behind the change that is occurring, it appears to me that he is the leader of it.  As far as I am considered Kendall Wilcox is the Gay Mormon.  Kendall has been key on making USGA what it is today through his guidance and leadership.  Kendall was also a major reason Erika's plan to march in the parade was such a huge success.  He is and continues to inspire people to make this world better, through his Far Between project and encouragement.

Now that I have successfully created a literary shrine for Kendall I can talk about the results.  Mormons and the LGBT community are speaking with each other and abandoning talking at each other.  This change in conversation is healing, brings understanding, and love.  I am so grateful I get to witness this process, I have been apart of it.

I have a strengthened hope for the awkwardness among family members and friends to end.  I new hope that all of my family will love and accept my future husband (assuming I can catch one). Maybe my dream of living next door to my brothers can still exist, even with one less sister in law and an additional brother in law. My children can be accepted the same as the birthers in the family.  The probability of a natural death in my future has increased significantly.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

I Found a Wallet

This weekend all of my siblings, with exception of a very pregnant sister and a sister living on a different continent, surprised our mom for my parent's 40th anniversary.  It is amazing that my parents have lasted that long. It was so good to be with my siblings with out their kids, well mostly.  The young babies came. We basically had a slumber party every night.  All my mom ever wanted to be was a mom, so her kids being there was a treat for her.

While celebrating my parent's marriage was the purpose of the trip, I gained some significant insight.  The final evening we sat outside asking our parents questions.  It was during this interaction that I was able to see my father as a person who fell in love.  Previously my dad as a tyrant was only way I viewed him.  I learned about my parents courtship, I learned about grandpa Bleily's thoughts of him and awkward dating moments.  The biggest impact is learning details that brought them together.

This new insight is helping me be more compassionate toward my father, which in turn is helping me understand him.  This new understanding is making the empathy I have been trying to feel for him be more honest.  Understanding one another really is precursor for empathy.

I am thankful for the opportunity I had this past weekend to get to know my parent's as two people who fell in love.  While its still uncomfortable for me to say my parent fell in love, I am glad to know they really did.  My parents are more than parents to me and I need to know that.  Hopefully as time goes on I will be able to learn more about what makes my father human. Maybe then I can learn to forgive the past.

This experience reminds me of a song by Regina Spektor called 'Wallet.' This song talks about a person's wallet and describes what she learns about him.  We just don't know the whole that makes up a person.  We can speculate but not much more.  Thus teaching me once again I am in no place to judge another person. However, I can put my place in a position to love.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Is It Hard Understanding I'm Incomplete

The following is a comment I posted in response to another commet by the writer who responded to my previous comment.  Hopefully you followed that.  I felt like this comment is helpful to understand me and my view a little better.

My disagreement lies with the tone of that post and the previous one.  Both seem to dictate to reader what will make it better for an individual.  The ambiguity does not only allow the message to be heard to mormons and non-mormons or mormons who have opted out of celibacy.  Ambiguity provides a platform for the intended viewers to decide how it can get better in their lives.  The self empowerment can help an individual who has been told how he or she should live to break free and think for him or herself. That is something that is important for the good mormon boys and girls to do, or at least in my opinion.  Like you said in this post there are people who don't really fit into the path the church gives and the church doesn't offer real solutions for them.  So the individual has to look at their path more meticulously to know how to govern their lives, if they want to stay connected with the church.  

The reasons you state that it gets better seem too conclusive and simple.  Leaving the church isn't always easy.  As a person who grew up LDS, being LDS is apart of my identity.  Also there are many doctrines that I personally feel are true with in the church, as well as events pertaining to the church's creation.  Because the church teaches once you have a testimony of one then you have a testimony of all, it makes it hard to go against the current policies.  What makes it better for an individual with in the church who wants to stay with in the church is very complex.  For me personally making it better not only involves my relationship with the church, but relationships with my family. While I need to learn and am learning how to better "tune out the haters," I also want to help specific haters change from that hate.  The haters I want to change are within my family and close friends.  I am not going to push my parents or immediate family out of my life willingly.  I want to help them understand me so that they can better love me as opposed to "hate this part of me."  As for the church, I want the same general understanding of love to our community.  So that the LGBT mormon community doesn't have this dichotomy of being gay and being mormon.  I personally can not see myself being happy without both.

I questioned the reasoning of being apart of the project more than once.  Kendall told me I was just keeping it real.  I didn't understand the wisdom of my involvement at the time.  In fact I didn't want to do it.  For some reason I decided to.  Yes I was depressing and there wasn't much hope in my voice. I see the wisdom of my message with the others.  There is the more obvious reasoning that I would be more relatable to the struggling teen or that I grab the attention of the viewer so it doesn't become just another 'It Gets Better' video.  I think that my involvement sends the message to the young person contemplating suicide that maybe for now you just have to trust the ones you love and that love you.  That is what I have decided to do, trust the ones that I love me.  

As I have been able to do that, things have gotten better for me.  While I don't feel like things are going well enough to make the grand statement 'It Gets Better.'  I am able to say that I have hope that it will get better.  Since I have been shedding off the facade I created to hide myself, it comes increasingly hard to be anything but authentic.  I've lied to myself and others for so long about not only my sexuality, but pain and dispair I felt through the years.  And a big part of what will make it better for me is rid myself of this toxic shame I developed of years of reenforcement of the idea that I am less than human.  Until I can significantly decrease that type of shame things will continue as they have been.  For now I will continue to work to make it better for myself so that I can not only enjoy my life, but to help the poor souls like me make it better for themselves.  

I am thankful for evolvement in this 'It Gets Better Project,' and the Kendall's Far Between project.  I am thankful that I have gotten to know Kendall and been able to discuss with him.  This project and learning from Kendall has really helped me to think like a person who wants to make it better as opposed to a person I pitied.  It has given me more purpose to my life and drive to make my life better.  And I can not thank Kendall without thanking my sister, Misty, the one who originally thought I was more likely to molest my children.  If it weren't for her dedication to helping me through this depressive episode we wouldn't have changed each other.  She no longer believes as a gay man that I am more likely to molest children.  I know believe that someone can love me in spite of my sexuality. That is why I believe in Kendall's project.  It was through understanding each other that we were able to change and understanding doesn't come without an honest, respectful dialogue.

Here are links, first being the blog I posted the comment, the other to the Far Between website:

What every faithful, same-sex attracted member of the church must know.

Far Between

Title song: Artist - My Chemical Romance; Song - Famous Last Words

Sunday, April 29, 2012

At Every Occasion, I'll Be Ready For the Funeral

Graduation weekend is over.  The weekend was full of happiness and dispair.  It was great to see my family, for them to see where I have been the past few years.  In our family most visit the married people its nice that this single fella gets a visit.

It was nice to actually graduate, it has been a long difficult road.  It was nice to put on my resume, under education a bachelors degree.  It was nice that so many of my family came to show their support and excitement that I graduated. I liked showing my family my life in Utah and my campus, where I spent many, many hours.  It was nice to for my department chair to hug me when I received my diploma.  I enjoyed cooking for everyone.  I was glad that Ashley got to meet a lot of my family.  I loved running into Ed and sitting with him at the commencement.  Over all the weekend was a success.

On to the despair.  At the commencement I ran into a previous roommate and the greeting was awkward and different than normal.  We had shared many intimate emotional moments and had become good friends.  Previous encounters had been a little weird and thought he had caught wind about my sexuality.  This time instead of the usual hug he offered his hand.  If he doesn't want a hug I'm perfectly OK with that,  in fact I am rarely the initiator of hugs with straight guys.  I think the reasoning is clear.  However a handshake felt more of a way to prevent a hug.  Which implies he is uncomfortable with my sexuality.  I felt rejected.

Then I heard a group say "He's that guy in the video." So then I got really self conscience and insecure.  To add to my insecurity and self conscience as we were walking into the Marriott center we passed by the Deans, administrators and Elder Oaks.  I felt someone staring at me so I turned to look, it was Elder Oaks.  He is not one to smile much and his stern face was not comforting.  I nodded and turned away.  Then I wondered if he saw the video, and what did he think of it?

Once I was in Marriott center my mind went to probably my biggest fear, rejection.  I proceed to feel rejected from my Alma Matter, my religion, my friends, and the worst my family.  Even though I have been at BYU for an obscene amount of years I felt rejected by the community.  I don't fit one of the biggest parts of the culture, I am not dating or trying to get married.  The worst is I feel like I have to hide my sexuality to avoid awkward and painful experiences.  The secrecy only perpetuates the shame.

Rejection is what consumes my nightmares.  When I say nightmares, I speaking in the literal sense.  Because I have not been able to accept myself, I rely on the acceptance of others.  While this is not an ideal way to live, at least I'm still living.  Or at least that's what people tell me.  While I hope that I will get a better job, related to my studies and interests will bring more happiness, I hope that I will be able to accept myself.  The acceptance of my self needs to be all inclusive, it needs to include my flaws and talents.  When I honestly believe that I have an inherit worth all the circumstances in my life will become circumstances I experience, instead of devastating blows.

Over all the weekend was a success, despite the awkward moments with my parents and other tense moments with my father.  Family events, seeing friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while always is stressful for me.  I feel like I have to prove myself to them. Show them that I'm doing better, improving.  Because I am never improving fast enough, or feel good enough the title song always comes to mind.  Here is a link to the song, enjoy.

 Title Song - The Funeral; Artist - Band of Horses

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Winding In and Winding Out, the Shine of it Has Caught My Eye

The 'It gets better' video was released over a week ago now.  I was shocked at the response.  It went viral here in Utah.  The out pouring of love and support has been great and even over whelming at times.  I am glad that I went way out of my comfort zone and participated.  Not because of all love and compassion that has been directed in my way, but because my mormon community needs a reality check.

The pain that I have experience and continue to experience is horrific.  Thankfully the frequency has decreased.  However as time goes on my desire and energy it takes to make it through decrease and thus making the episodes more intense.  So I still can't say it gets better, but I can say that it can get better.  Unfortunately the "getting better" is not entirely in my control.  This trial and error process of learning to properly handle my emotion and pain is long and strenuous.  Like I've said in the past and continue to say, I can not promise a natural death.

To give you a little more hope, I am working hard to make it better for myself.  I think that my family and previous therapist can confirm my efforts.  It bugs me that I still have intense depressive episodes.  Especially after the out pouring of love I have been receiving.  I have some theories as to why, but another post.

So to those people who have fire-hosed me with compassion and love, thank you.  I want to make things better for everyone and especially the mormon LGBT community.  Although, the painful experience have helped me become a better person, I want to lesson the burden on the future gays.  There will always be something new to that creates the same pain, but knowing that I can help prevent that pain due to homosexuality gives me energy to work harder at dying from natural causes.

Title: Song-Vindicated; Artist-Dashboard Confessional

Friday, April 6, 2012

I've Been Bleeding Well From This Old Wound

Being gay in a community that pushes its young adults to find another to participate in a traditional marriage is a frustrating experience.  At BYU the most important goal attained is a degree, but a close second is finding a life partner.  Unfortunately, that life partner is required to be of the opposite gender.  Otherwise a same sex relationship could jeopardized the purpose of attending BYU.

For me it was hard being immersed in social world where I was to date girls, ew gross.  As a gay guy who loves women, in a platonic way, it was nice to get to know great girls, but frustrating to know that you are not attracted to them.  I had a few girlfriends and for the most part I never felt anything. There was only one girl that I thought could be my bridge into the straight world.  However, it didn't work out, probably because she new I was gay.  I thought I was in love with this girl, but I think I was trying so hard to be straight that I mistook my passion for being straight for passion for a girl.

Please spread this video, while I am not against suicide.  I prefer others not participate.  I have meet so many great people who are gay.  They contribute a lot to society while experiencing exclusion, loneliness, abandonment, hate, and more painful emotions.  It hurts to be an outsider of community that you love.

We are making ourselves known so that we can envoke love and compassion into others.  We want to prevent other's from taking their lives because they feel unloved.  We want to know that we have straight friends who support us, love us, and accept us.  We want to make our Alma Matter proud.  We are good, God fearing, Christ loving, gospel spreading, charitable people too.  Please help the agony of being gay at BYU diminish.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

War Child, Victim of Political Pride

Its conference weekend, I decided not to watch, or at least live.  Many conferences in the past couple of years have left me upset and hurt.  Not necessarily because hurtful things were said, but because of exclusion.  When I go to church, listen to conference, or participate in any church function I feel excluded. I haven't been told to not come to church or participate, however, my sexual orientation brings that tension.

The current stance on homosexuality the church offers is unclear, directionless, and unsatisfactory.  It has improved over the years, but the sentiment seems to be lagging.  I hear messages of love, understanding, and compassion among the members, but I feel judged, misunderstood, lonely, and ultimately excluded.  I might feel this way due to subliminal messages or because of my own insecurities.

As I walking to Harmon's with my sister last night, I saw many people who must have been involved in conference weekend.  The thought that kept going through my mind was "I used to be apart of this, I miss it."  I continued to think of why I have limited my participation.  I eventually told my self to remember all those times I came home from Church angry or desperately depressed.  The energy it takes to overcome these results seems more than I can afford, however, I miss feeling apart of my faith.

I miss feeling of inclusion I received from the Church.  Growing up I rarely felt included, due to my "differentness" and the fact that I was constantly the new kid.  At church I was always included, until I came to terms with my sexuality.  USGA has helped me to feel apart of community, but I still feel somewhat excluded (mostly due to me being weird and shy)

It all goes back to what my sister Sariah has said and what I have felt ever since I came out to myself.  Can I be happy in the church or without the church? It must be possible many have/are doing it.  I just wish it was a easy as PV=nRT.  So if you have a magical equation that makes it possible for a gay man striving to do the right things can feel content with himself I need it.  Until someone shares the equation and how to use it properly in my life I will be stuck a trial and error process to figure out how I am to exist as a Christian.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Crave the Touch, Feel the Pain, Know the Signs

I had a productive discussion this afternoon.  I want to say that because of it my cliche happy ever after is beginning.  This may be the case, but not likely.  I am likely to suffer this pain again.  Is that ok, I don't know.  I would prefer it not be the case (my therapist would like that statement).  I knew I would always still get sad, angry, bitter, all the emotions no one prefers to experience.  However, the debilitating pain behind those emotions never felt like it would go away and thus those emotions would require energy that I don't have.  

Before I crashed a few years back, I lived my life with a facade.  I hid my pain and sadness from every soul.  I wasn't always good at it, but by the end of my sophomore year I became an expert.  Then after my first suicide attempt I started to open up and let people about hear about my pain.  As I peeled away the facade the pain became increasingly unbearable.  I pushed to the other extreme where I was not able to hide my pain. I learned in my discussion that these painful feelings are meant to fluid as with all feelings.  At this point I am holding on to them.  These feelings need to be recognized but not kept. 

Its like a giant tub I'm sitting in where the water is constantly running with the faucet out of my reach.  I have no control of the flow, the intensity or rate.  I can try to deflect it but the effort is not practical.  This water collects until it consumes me.  I have two choices.  I can let it consume me and share the same fate as Whiney Huston or I can take the plug out.  I chose to take the plug out but the water is draining at such a slow rate, but just enough to keep me alive.  While it is still draining the energy it takes to keep myself from drowning may be more than I can handle.  That's where I am, anxiously wading.  I don't understand why this water just won't leave faster.  At times it feel like it isn't draining at all.  Then I learn that there is some obstruction in the pipes preventing proper flow.  Because the water is stagnant I am stewing in my own filth and desperately want out.  I need the water to continue to flow.  I have options I can continue wading, be patient and hope I have what it takes to see it through or I can try to fix it.  I've been trying to fix it but so far its only improved in minor ways.  I need to find the right way to unclog this drain so the water can flow.  

In this analogy the water is my pain.  I ignored the fact the pain was collecting a failed to do something about it.  When I was no longer able to ignore it, I opened a dialogue.  However there was something out of my control, but I may have been the cause of the obstruction.  Removing the obstruction is pertinent to my success in this battle.   I need to allow the pain come, acknowledge it, and let it pass.  Those are the skills that I need to develop.  Holding on to the pain has led me to make decisions that were not productive in regards to the goals I have set for my life.  Those poor choices are the filth I have sit in and it take time the consequences to pass. 

Now the work begins.  I am unsure exactly the work involved but I am willing and ready.  Thankfully I feel like I have an example of someone who is in the place where fluidity of emotions exist.  It gives me hope that I can be in the same place.  Part of what made the future so daunting is the knowledge that I was going experience these same emotions over and over with the possibility of eventually drowning in the pain.  Consequently committing suicide to attempt to end it hurt. The work I have put into this recovery would been in vain.  There would always be something incredibly disparaging.  However allowing myself to experience the bad emotion without holding on to it allows me to experience the good emotion properly.  I can experience my life rather than trying to use a series of destinations to experience happiness.  I understand what it looks like when people say not to let your circumstances dictate your life.  

Title: Dashboard Confessional-The Shade of Poison Trees 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

You Set Up Your Place in My Thoughts, Moved in and Made My Thinking Crowded.

Tonight I'm a little depressed, but not the debilitating kind I'm used to.  Last week was pretty shitty.  I was filmed while suicidal.  Scary, not only did was it one of the most vulnerable situations in my life, it is likely going to be seen many.  I express some things that I have only said out loud three times in my life.  The first time was during that intense panic attack in group, the second speaking with my sister.  I'm afraid of the reaction of a particular few who witness it.

When I share words that express my true emotion to other people, the emotions become much more real.  When I just tell myself these things I can reason the emotion away or simply ignore it.  The following days became increasingly painful and unbearable.  I had fight with the person who has been my biggest support.  It wasn't an argument, but we were frustrated with each other.  I stonewalled for a few days.  I felt so alone, I moved up my "due" date to March 1.

Then there was the Provo Peace Forum.  When I saw how dedicated Dr. Bradshaw was to his son, I cried. I wish I could feel that from my father.  Dr. Bradshaw is dedicating an enormous amount of energy to educate, research, bring understanding to others who don't understand me and my fellow homosexuals.  I just don't understand why I don't get to be the receiver of that love from a father.

Because I feel so much like a fuck up, I am terrified of loosing my family.  I feel some of them slipping away just because of the gay thing.  I have been trying to make up for being gay, but feel like I am failing at it.  The pressure to perform is increasing and my ultimate failure becoming evident.

I needed a distraction, Hulu wasn't working.  Exercise wasn't enough.  I knew of two ways that would help.  This first being drinking, but that would mean breaking the most important rule.  The risk of severe complications would not be worth it.  So that left me with eating.  I gorged myself, I ate until I was sick.  Once I didn't feel sick I would eat more.

Things started to turn around after visiting with a good friend.  She gave me a lot to think about.  She said things I need to hear.  I've been told the exact things she said, but this time I think I was ready for it.  Due to listening to a Mormon Stories podcast, a million questions came to mind while listening.  A letter from sister that was a bit harsh but full of love added to the flood of counsel and philosophies.

The combination of the pain, disappointment, binge eating, fighting, expressing, listening, hearing, contemplating and most importantly questioning has created a beautiful storm.  When I say beautiful I mean it in the way that Matt Damon and Ryan Gosling are beautiful.  When I say storm I mean a storm, caos, damage and possibly fire.  It feels like the kind of storm that will bring peace at the end.  I hope so, I really feel like I am on the verge of breakthrough that will push my life toward happiness.  Time will tell.

Title: Song-Mystery Artist-Indigo Girls

Monday, February 6, 2012

My Arms are Crossed, My Hope is Lost

I just finished the movie 50/50.  It was pretty good, a little sad, but ended positive.  In this movie the main character gets a rare form of cancer at 27.  While he is suffering, his girlfriend cheats on him, his mom is overbearing, and best friend is trying to handle the situation but struggles.  His therapist wasn't much help.  He worked at appeasing his friend, he broke up with his girlfriend and ignored his persistent mother.

At one point as the movie was building up to the climax the main character, Adam, said that he just wanted it to be over.  Not necessarily life but the sickness.  If death was the only way out then that was worth it.  I have meet people in similar situations.  It is not common to hear about people who suffering from a sickness.  It is not easy to go through something that might end your life, especially when you want to continue living.

I relate to Adam in the sense that I just want it to be over.  I don't care how, just when.  My energy is drained. The unknown of the future keeps me up at night.  It is not if I'm going to live, its who's going to be in my life.  I'm not sure that many of the people who want to be will choose to be.  I've been told for the third time that I am not suitable to be around someone's child.

There are people who say that they will love me no matter what.  What does that love look like? I have friends that love me but won't let me be around their children.  My father tells me he loves me, but treats as a lesser being.  He has told me he loves me but he held a screwdriver to my face because I didn't close my door at night.  He has punched me in the face, given me welts, hung me from a door nob. Is that what love looks like?

I am tired of being the source of pain, worry and stress.  I'm tired of this "sickness." I wish I could take upon someone else's sickness, someone who could do more with their lives.  It's like what that EMT told me once, that I am wasting my life.  His wife is fighting cancer and I am waisting my life.  I really wish I could do better, be better. It needs to end soon.

Title: Song-I am a Stone Artist-Libbie Linton

Friday, February 3, 2012

If You Just Hold in Your Breath Till You Thought it Through You Foolish Child.

Last night there was a forum put on by the Provo peace forum about homosexuality and the church.  A question was asked about how our straight allies can help make the church experience more comfortable for us gays.  I didn't answer partly because a ton of people wanted to answer, but mostly I was not in an emotional state to be able to be the center of attention.  I still want to answer it though, to the best of my ability.

First being trying to put yourself in a gay person's shoes.  That might help you understand what comments and actions hurt.  Generating empathy within yourselves in any situations makes it harder to judge others.  In turn helps us to think more about what we say about others or a group of people.

To be more specific please refrain from comparing homosexuality to any other situation.  I am defining situation as a sin, trial, complication, struggle, etc.  It leaves too much room for hurt on our behalf.  Even the ones like single sisters are asked to remain celibate so we should too.  I understand that it might seem like a fair comparison and it wasn't meant to hurt.  The truth is its painful for me in the right context.  To me it shows the a lack of understanding.  The important difference is hope, a single sister can always have hope that it can happen.  A gay man like myself doesn't have such hope because it is forbidden.  If you must compare us to another situation please also contrast by pointing out the differences.

My pain is partially self inflicted.  By self inflicted I mean its in my head most of the time.  I am extra sensitive to other people.  I sometimes read too much into what a person says, how they say it, and what their actions are expressing.  It could be because of the church, my father, peers or many other variables that have contributed to my toxic shame.  I need my space from potential situations that cause me pain.  That is why I have chosen to not wear my garments, I have chosen to only attend sacrament, remove myself from BYU housing and more.

I am not trying to change some else's stance on homosexuality in a moral sense.  However I do want to change a person's stance politically.  I want to change the way person views and treats those of us who do not fit into the church's model, whether the person in question wants to fit or not.

Maybe its offensive to say that I want to change another person but relax I can't.  I don't know of a person who can.  Its up to the individual to make the changes.  I can help facilitate the change, but ultimately it is up to the individual.

Song: Genius Next Door-Regina Spektor

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Emptiness in this Soft Light

I learned along time ago that keeping painful secrets feed loneliness.  I kept secrets my whole life to keep the perfect son facade legitimate.  Obviously the big secret was that I am gay.  However there were other big ones, I was lonely, depressed, hurt, and I hated myself.

Everyone would talk about how much energy I had.  Even while I was seeing a therapist 3 times a week my roommates girlfriend thought I had such an incredible love for life.  That is how I wanted people to know me, as a happy person who loved life.

A person who loves life is someone right with God.  If someone knew I was unhappy they might find out that I was really a spun of satan because of my sexual affinity for men.  Being gay is not what makes up a perfect son.  I need to be a perfect son so I could be validated.

Other's knowing who I am would prevent myself from feeling my existence was justified.  I was struggling just to keep up with the demands that were expected of me to prove my worthiness.  Being open about my sexuality would drastically decrease the odds of achieving my goal.

So this facade created a loneliness that is deep.  I don't quite understand it.  I can be with a group of people who have expressed love for me but still feel alone and unknown.  Maybe what I'm feeling is not properly labeled as loneliness.  I think it is a combination of loneliness and worthlessness.  I feel worthless so I isolate myself, then I feel lonely.  My loneliness testifies of my unworthiness thus creating a vortex that is bound to carry a person to an emotional hell. Its that vortex that makes life so difficult, I can't seem to get out.

Monday, January 30, 2012

It's Just That its Delicate

I've heard the story over and over.  You were being set apart to be in Boy Scouts at church.  You were told if you were faithful then you would be given a son.  After six girls, I was born.  No one at home believed that I was a boy.  Mom had given up on having a boy and she had all the old girls clothes ready for me.

I imagine that you were so happy that you finally got what you wanted.  I was a gift from God, an answer to your prayers.  I don't know what its like to have a child or to wait for a son after so many girls.  My imagination leads me to believe that it might have been one of your favorite moments.  My presence meant that God was pleased with your service.  That he wanted you to have me, he trusted you.

So when did I become not good enough.  What is it about me that made you so angry?  What could I have done differently?  Was I too sensitive?  Not boy enough for you? I honestly tried to make you proud.  I worked hard to do things that would please you.

I knew you loved the church and very dedicated to it.  I dedicated myself to the church in spite of the pain it caused me.  I choose serving you as opposed to following what ever inclination I had.  I've tried to reach out to you time and time again.  I am left hurt.

Tommy came along and his existence seemed to be enough for you.  You choose him over me many times over.  Now Tommy is married, has a child.  He is fulfilling your dreams for your family.  I see how proud you are of him.  I listen to the non verbal words you express when you speak of him.  I see your eyes light up when you talk about your daughter in law.  I can imagine what it'll be like when you come for my graduation and interact with Zach.

Tommy is the one you expected when God promised you a son. I know when you envisioned your future son that he would at the very least be straight.  I tried to be.  I wish I could.  Maybe then when you speak of me your eyes would light up.  I could give you a daughter in law and grandchildren.  I have failed.