The Person Underneath Where Does He Go?

I hate feeling like my integrity is questionable. People not knowing that I am gay makes me feel like I am lying to people. I wanted to find a way to let people know with out having the conversation. So I got a rainbow friendship bracelet. I had to order it online because I have no idea of where to buy it in a store out here. I received it friday and started wearing it immediately, but I didn't go anywhere that night. Saturday I wore it most of the day, but I has some difficulties with the knot. Sunday I wore it all day... even at church and today was the first day that I wore it at school.

Although for many this wouldn't a feat. For me it was a big deal, I worry about a lot of ramifications. Worst case scenario people would rise up against me and I'd get kicked out with only a month left. Worst case realistic scenario people would say hateful things. Most likely scenario people will see it some will judge, some will think "that makes sense," some may be shocked and others won't even care. I am also weary of being stereotyped. If you know me you know I hate stereotypes, even though they are unavoidable. There are countless rational and irrational fears and anxieties associated with wearing the bracelet on BYU campus. So why the hell did I do it.

I already discussed the whole integrity issue, but its more than just integrity. I want to feel more authentic. I want to feel like I am being me, like most people. When people don't know this big aspect of my life it makes me feel less authentic. However, coming out to every person I come in contact with is weird and awkward. So this was a way to help me feel like I am truly out.

I also want to help relive the some of the same that is attached to it. If I know that people realize that I am gay and still treat me the same, then I can have more peace. I am afraid of being judged unfairly. I realize I am not perfect or even close, however I do think that I have a kind heart (sometimes). Some will still judge me harshly but honestly how many will actually talk to me about it. Its kind of awkward to ask another about their sexual orientation, especially in an environment where it is considered to have only one righteous combination.

So far I am happy I am wearing. It'll take a while for me to be completely comfortable, but this is a step. When Carol lynn Pearson spoke to us thursday she talked about the importance of letting members know who we are. Giving them our faces to associate homosexuality with can promote change. Most of us gays are good people. Just like most of you straights are good people. We have diversity just like you straight folk. So putting diverse personalities to the faces of gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender persons will bring to life reality. We are people just like you, not sinful spawns of the devil.

I will continue to wear it and with time maybe even with pride. My name is Mark May, I have brown hair and eyes, brown skin in the summer and surprisingly big feet.