Tonight I made a mistake and I watched the documentary 8: A Mormon Proposition. This documentary is heavily biased and definitely anti Mormon. I just wanted to hear the other side of the story, I guess. Well it was a big mistake all it has done is cause additional pain for me. Many of you know that I am Mormon... and active. I have a strong testimony of the Savior and The Book of Mormon. So this creates a huge dilemma for me. It leaves me with no place in the Church.
This documentary brought up things that I wish I could erase from my memory. They hate in some of the members of this Church for my people. The comparisons they make? Does my sexual orientation condem me? Thats the message I received during proposition 8. If I could have one wish I wouldn't be gay, I would be able to marry a woman honestly. I would be able have a family with out serious conflict. However that is not the case.
The most hurtful part of this documentary was when some fellow gay Mormons spoke of their suicide attempts. I very easily could have been one of those interviewed. It brought back the pain that drove me to forget my family's desires. That's the pain that I wish the Brethren could feel so the would know why I am hurt. So they understand the conflict. Even if it wrong its more than a temptation. To drink is a temptation, one can find happiness without. A temptation is something that can be overcome. I have not meet one person who has overcome his or her homosexuality. Those who claim to be cured, my skeptical meter goes off. I just wish there was more compassion for those of us that qualify for the gay and mormon communities.
I opened up to a couple of classmates, with whom I studied regularly with and consider friends. (hopefully become even better friends) One of them I know has read my blog the other... not sure. One of them, the one who read my blog, said I want to at least hear from you in 20 years. A reference to a previous blog. Although I am not suicidal these days, it doesn't mean I don't desire it. What makes me not suicidal is my family. I can't give up without making sure at least apathy for life could occur.
Watching that documentary pushed me to start forgetting the pain I would cause my family if I went trough with it. As I was showering, I convinced my self to stick it out until graduation. I can make it at least that long. Hearing the story of Stuart Matis it hurts. It hurts because I know that I feel they way he did over and over. I can't bring my self to do it quite yet out of obligation to my family and friends.
Bruce R McConkie said it is better to be dead rather than be homosexual. Although I can't imagine any of the Brethren saying anything as blatantly hurtful as that, the tone is comes through as the same. So tonight will be another one of those nights that I listen to a song on repeat that helps me to express my pain. Tonight it'll be Death Right by Rocky Votolato.
Hey Mark,
ReplyDeleteI have a few links that I would love for you to read.If you're up for it I would like to go to lunch and talk about it. If not I still want to do lunch because I haven't seen you in forever and would love to catch up. The gospel of Christ is perfect, the people who believe in it are far from it.
Here are the links:
Please especially read #4 on here:
http://lds.org/ensign/1995/10/same-gender-attraction?lang=eng
This is one about a girl who still struggles with same-sex attraction but her feelings on it:
http://lds.org/ensign/2002/08/my-battle-with-same-sex-attraction?lang=eng
oh and one more link:
ReplyDeletehttp://lds.org/ensign/2004/09/compassion-for-those-who-struggle?lang=eng
sorry I just got post happy on your blog :)
In first place i wanna say that you dont have to follow other people's steps! just because their life ended it doesn't mean that your has to as well. Not all of us member think the same, and certainly not all of us think like Bruce R McConkie, and that is something good!he has always been a man of harsh words and very selfmotivated to do and say whatever felt right to him, and the church had his problems with him and quite honestly he wasn't the only general authority behaving like this. man in not perfect and even the "holy ones" are tempted by their own ideas. it is important to keep in mind the context of things, and i dont mean to justify him but he died in 1985, we have become much better since then. you know i dont know if any church and this issue will have come together like it happened for the black people and the pristhood, and im not gonna ask you to sit around and hope, but dont give up on your own people. dont be like Justin :)plus the statement it's better to be dead than gay goes against any church principle taught by Christ. im not gonna lie, i dont know that you can have both slices of pies, the church and your sexual orientation, but you can still choose one of the 2, dont have to go for a 3rd option.
ReplyDeleteI just want you to find happiness Mark. I wish I knew how to help, but I don't. Bruce R McConkie was a smart man, but not always wise. And don't forget that GAs are but men with a calling. They aren't all-knowing and do better when they instruct us on a spiritual level than when giving their personal opinions. Don't give up on life, please. It can be good. Surely.
ReplyDeleteDisagreeing with the church seems to earn the lable "anti-mormon" from the general authorities. I grew up mormon and was always scared to read anything not published by the church or written by a general authority cause I feared satan would creep in and destroy me. I played along with the rules of what was expected of me through high school, went to the temple, passes/blessed sacrament etc even though deep down I didnt believe it and was just doing it for my parents. When I left home I swore off religion completely but there was a gap in my life. I thought it must be the church so I tried again, attending institute etc. I could give every good answer, even though to me it didnt make sense, but there was not way to see outside because everything was labled "anti-mormon". The simple fact is there are many anti-mormon people out there. People that hate the church and seek to destroy it. There are also others, like me, who disagree with key mormon doctrines that are not biblical as well as key teachings, but dont seek to destroy the church and just want its members, who I have found to be genuine people who seek to do right to find the peace and comfort of knowing Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. Not the Jesus Christ the church presents, but the biblical, true Christ. My search for truth was not found in books written my ex mormons or movies that mock the church. I learned about many key doctrinal problems in the church (adam-god doctrine, blood atonement, etc...) through talks and writings of general authorities. My parents are still very much active as are my sisters, but I have found a peace in knowing that Christs sacrifice provided for my salvation and no amount of church meetings, temple trips, home teaching or firesides will change that. Faith without works is dead. I was always quoted that to defend the immense amount of time and effort the church requires. I truly believe that, but I believe (cause I have seen it in my own life) that it means that when you have faith in Christ and put all your trust in Him and rely on Him for your salvation you change inside and want to do good. Want to be better and more like Him. Not for fear of losing out on some exaltation or promise of godhood (also unbiblical), but because you want to glorify and worship the Lord who took your sins on the cross and secured your spot in heaven for eternity, if you will but believe on Him and follow Him. As I said before, I have a great love and respect for the mormon people. Not as much for the general authorities, but for those struggling to achieve something that is impossible for man to achieve and thinking that if they dont they will lose out on eternity with our God. I guess my point is, not everything out there that speaks out against church doctrines is anti-mormon.
ReplyDeleteOh Mark, reading this, I wish it could be as simple as a flesh wound that a band aid would fix. I hate to see friends in pain. But we all have our trials Mark. This one is yours. I am not saying it is easy nor am I saying that yours is not unique, but you CAN get through this. My mom always told me to take my darkest moments and use them to help others. As you know, I myself have gone through some very, very tough things that not a lot of people experience. This advice helped me. Mark, your struggles can be a light to others struggling. You are not alone. Prop 8 proves you are not alone in this. I hope that you can use your experiences to better this world and enlighten those who are too narrow minded to see beyond what they know. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! Des
ReplyDeletecan you produce a citation for Bruce R McConkie's quote?
ReplyDeleteNo but this film wasn't the first time I've heard this quote. So I can't say with 100% certainty that he said this. However I wouldn't put it past him. He also said Blacks will never have the priesthood as well. I can produce a source, the first couple editions of Mormon Doctrine.
ReplyDelete