Monday, September 26, 2011

I Haven't Got a Stitch to Wear

So I had my 10 year high school reunion, full of good and bad experiences. I was unsure if I want,togo because I of the emotional state I've been in, my lack of accomplishments, and the fact that I was sure people didn't know me. In high schoolmany people knew of me but never really knew me. It's not to surprising because I was no where close to open with anyone.

A group of us I'm the sober one.

First I'll start with bad stuff and get it out of the way. I hung out with my brother during the day. My Mom came and joined us as well. There were some awkward moments. At the reunion I was super nervous and it showed.There were many awkward pauses in conversations. I wasn't feeling confident. There were many instance where I was standing or sitting alone silent. It reminded me of how much I need to work on my confidence.
Stacy and I (ignore the creepy glowing eyes.)

The good part. It was good to reconnect with people. I got to chat with Jerri, it was great. She is one of my favorite people from high school. We went to prom together and had a blast. Stacy is another person I was excited to see. I learned she had a big crush on me in highschool, I think she felt comfortable telling me that after I told her I was gay. I loved reconnecting with people who I didn't think I would.

Ajiaga and I (She kept running her hand through my hair.)

The best part was that I was comfortable with being gay. I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel like I had to be someone I'm not. I felt authentic and the oppression was lifted. I want that here, I want to be able to joke about the gay genes I inherited, the ways I fit the stereotypes, and any other funny aspect of being gay. I want my response to the question "would you date her?" to be "I like dudes." I just want the oppression to end. I have less than three months left here at BYU and then its time to move on. It'll time for the oppression to end. I will be able to be myself, to search for a life partner. My search will finally be the right sex. I will be able to work on creating a life of happiness, integrity, and love.

Jerri and I (She is still Beautiful)

I kind of hate how incredibly cheesy that was.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Climb Can Kill You Long Before the Fall

Last night I finished it. I finished the Lord of the Rings. That tale is probably one of the greatest stories written. Even though I watched it over 4 or 5 days it felt like a marathon. This trilogy is 652 minutes long, thats 11 hours and 22 minutes. I can't believe that my Brother would watch them back to back. I guess making the chain mail and downing Dr. Pepper helped. Because I am an internal thinker, I have reflected a lot of this movie.

Things have been going down hill since I came back from vacation. It started with me being anxious about my parents visit. My parents came, validated my fears, and left. After there departure things took a turn worse than I had thought it would. Although the binge eating had already started it went to a whole new level. I started to eat until I got sick, then when I felt better I would eat until I felt sick again. My exercise went from being consistent to inconsistant and practically non existant. I was starting to skip classes. When I'd go to class I would have extreme difficulty concentrating on the lecture. I wasn't studying at home or doing my homework. I have gotten behind in class.

Watching LOTR inspired me. I know its dumb that a fictional story would do that for me but it has. Although J.R.R. Tolkin denied that the series was not an allegory, it is to me. There were times where Frodo, Aragon, Gandalf, and others denied hope. In the end not only were they successful in defeating Lord Sauron, but most made pulled through alive. The inspiring part is that I feel like I am at the base of mount Doom. My energy is practically non existant. My desire is strong but my exhaustion limits my ability. I felt like I related to Froto's strong desires and the conflicting exhaustion. In the end Froto did destroyed the ring. He accomplished what he needed to do to ensure peace in Middle Earth.

There are many "rings" that I need to "destroy" or rather there are tasks that I could apply this inspiration to. Finishing school is a great contender, but being completely out seems to be the task that is of most importance. Finishing school is more like a step to being out and to everyone. Leaving BYU is when I will feel free. Feel free to be myself, to date, to dictate my life the best way I see fit. As a student here I feel suppressed, I feel pressure to keep my sexual orientation a secret. After I have the diploma, I can better explore and learn my new path of life.

Right now is a difficult time. My depression symptoms are up to levels that they were three or four years ago. I have anxiety and panic attacks, eating and television binges, and of course restless nights. I hope I can continue on like Frodo did. I hope I can carry this burden. Although I can not "destroy" my sexual orientation, I can destroy the complications that come with it. I can destroy the self hatred, the dispair, the stigma, the suppression, etc. After this destruction I can then re-build my life with hope, self worth, and expressions of love.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

All Those Evening on the Back Deck...

Its 15 til 6 in the morning and I've been awake for the past couple of hours. Its amazing how insomnia messes with you. Less than a week ago was the first full nights rest I had with out any nightmares for a month. Last night I got bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. So I decided to watch the Netflix movie I had, Conviction. It was pretty good. I left me a mess.

I am going through a cycle. The cycle began when I got stressed out by my parents coming to visit. The stress lead to anxiety, that anxiety grew and graduated to panic attacks. I was binge eating, not exercising, being too extreme in exercising (almost to the point of injury), avoiding studying, working on the research. I was loosing control of my self. Then my parents came. In this cycle the event I am worried about can either confirm or deny my fears. This time it confirmed. So I got worse, I honestly think I was in shock after my parents "gay-vention." Not the holy crap kind of shock, the clinical kind. Then I have moments of strength where I force myself to do productive things to get me out of the pain. They usually don't last long at first. I struggle for a bit as time passes the pain starts to subside and I'm able to start rebuilding my life again.

In conviction this women loved her brother so much that she fought for him for 2 decades. She dedicated her life to free her innocent brother from prison. In the end she won. In the end she was glad she did it. However in the middle of it she had moments of dispair, but she never gave up. Even when her own brother wanted to give up. I am impressed with her determination. I wonder what gives her that determination. I want that determination to get in and through medical school. However I don't know if I have it.

I feel like I ruined my possibilities by continuing through school while I am extremely depressed. I have made poor decisions that will make life harder, let alone getting into a medical school. I feel like I need to learn from someone to stay motivated and get that determination to succeed.

My motivation to do the things I enjoy have left me. I haven't wanted to anything. As weird or confusing as this sounds I haven't wanted to spend my time not doing anything. Yesterday in group I talked about how I hate when I get like this. It puts my back in my progress. The progress I worked so hard to have. For example, I was so close to my goal fat percentage and now I'm where I was at the beginning of the summer.

This movie gave me hope. Hope that I can recover from this hell that I am in. It will be difficult and many won't believe it to be possible. Maybe it won't be, but I know that if I work really hard it will bring to a place better than this. I spent my friday night alone watching a movie in my empty apartment. It wasn't because I didn't have places I could go to be with friends. I could have gone to my roommates hockey game, or a friends concert. Or even my favorite thing, just showing up at the Velour and to listen to whoever was playing. It was because I am so depressed that I can't open my self up to be around people.

This blog is the most I have been able to be open to people outside of therapy and discussion with close family members. I have a friend, well more than one, who wants me to open up more to people. Its not as easy for me as it seems to be for her. It took me 24 years to open up to the first person in my life. It was a therapist, then a family member. Even then I still didn't completely open myself to them. I am better now. I have a couple people that I am extremely open with. I just don't trust people. I especially don't trust their words, but I trust their actions and reactions.

My father would hit me and tell me he loved me at that same time. He would tell me that he loved me while he was yelling at me in a rage. He would tell me that he is proud of me and doesn't agree with my decision in the same sentence. The conflicting messages I received from him and continue to receive from him make it hard to trust.

I need openness not because I think its a good idea for everyone to know me. I need openness to discount the "what ifs" in my head. The "what if they knew, they'd think differently." rhetoric. I need to relieve the shame I inherited from my parents. I need to love who am not who I am trying to be.

Part of the rebuilding cycle often includes someone. This time its my sister Misty. She is able to do what my parents aren't able to do at this time. She is giving me the confidence to move forward. It has been nice to spend time with her, even though it has been short moments. Her presence gives me the confidence that I can get through this. That's what I lack the most at this point, is presence. The presence of a loved one who I trust. I hope that these moments I get with people I trust will keep me going until I have enough confidence in myself to minimize the cycles.

I already feel the post family blues and my sister still hasn't left yet. In fact later today I will have dinner with them. So I feel bad that I already feel abandoned. I know my sister loves me. I just seem to need more reassurance than a the average person. After this movie I gained strength and determination to work again for my happiness. I am going to use this visit from my sister, this reassurance of her love for me to participate in the part of the cycle where that self improvement happens.

Friday, September 16, 2011

They Were all Stolen...

This is mostly for just your information. A while ago I decided that I would make all the titles to my post lyrics from a song that I love that relate to my post. Even the title of this post fits. So feel fee to find out what song its from. Those who read my blog know about my relationship with music and the lyrics. I like to share the music I love, music is the most important secular possession.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

This Shit is Making Me Tired...

It is almost 9:30 and I have not studied like I need to. I have a test thursday on all the bones and landmarks. What did I do instead, I ate and watched TV on my computer. I am back where I was years ago. I am terrified of taking this test. I am getting fat and isolating myself from people. My neck and back hurts from laying on my bed all day.

I'm trying so hard to get through this. I want to be like Stuart Matis. I want to make that kind of statement and leave this damn world. I want to leave the pain it causes me. I am angry, sad and hurt. I am hurt by the church I belong to, I am hurt by some of my friends, I am hurt by parents. I was looking at pictures of when I was in California at Ashley and Preston's wedding. I looked so happy and I felt happy. I was on road of recovery. Now I have been knocked of that road into an abandoned mine and broke my legs. I can't see where I'm going, I don't know which way is toward the earth's surface or how long it'll take to crawl out.

I don't understand why my pain is so intense. My therapist says to tell myself that "this is not my favorite." I am trying to just remember that this will pass. I just don't have the will to do the things that might help. I don't have the energy to manipulate myself. I wish there was someone that could just sit with me in my pain and hold my hand until I fall asleep.

What I want to say to all of you who are married or otherwise in a committed romantic relationship. Don't take that relationship for granted. In the end you always have that person who has committed his or her life to you. As you complain about the complications in your life because of it remember I am a lone in my bed wishing I had someone. The someone that I am able to have that relationship with is not in accordance with my church, some of my families beliefs.

These are the things passing through my mind:

You stupid fat ass, why did you eat that shit.
Idot why the hell didn't you study.
You lazy son of a bitch why did you waste your day.
You ungrateful bastard people are trying to help
Why the fuck are you still alive you have nothing to offer.
I hate you
Just cut your hands off.
You caused all these problems if you would just not be so stupid
You will never be happy
You will never find love
Your parents will abandon you
Your brothers will abandon you
Your sister's will abandon you
Your friends will abandon you
You will be a lone
You can't count on anyone
You will never be of value to anyone
You are so selfish
Just bleed it'll all go away
You are fat because you eat
You are fat because you are lazy
Your GPA isn't very good because you are stupid and lazy
You are ugly
You suck at running
You are weak
How can you ever be a good runner, you are fat
You will fail
You always will fail
You are the epitome of failure
You are a fuck up and always will be
You only have yourself to blame
You don't have value
The only reason why people have been nice is out of obligation
The only reason you are helping with this research is because the feel pity for you
Pity is the only reason anyone is willing to help you
Just shoot our self in the head
Stab your self
You deserve it
All this pain is your fault
Just cut of the fat then they'll have to remove it
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

So I Pull Out My Gun...

Sorry I forgot to post this I said I would a while back in one of posts. I love South Park.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Somebody Caused Me Strife and it's Not What I Was Seeking...

This past week... wow. It was awful! I was fine as long as I was busy. However as soon as I get some free time I couldn't stop the emotions from affecting my diet. I feel like I am back where I was two years ago. I don't really have any desire to do anything. Nothing seems like it is worth the effort.

Yesterday at church my Elder's quorum president pulled me to the side, he "noticed" that I hadn't come to priesthood for the past couple of weeks. I think he was trying to be nice. I haven't been to priesthood for a couple of months. I was not in a good mood and was a little rude. I wish I wasn't. I told him that I won't be going to priesthood. He then said that every member is important and contributes great things the quorum. He is a nice guy. It just annoys me when people say stuff like that. Does he even know me? When I go to priesthood I sit in the back and just listen. I keep my mouth shut, even if I might have worth while to speak about. I have tried to make friends in the quorum and it never really works.

I made the decision to stop attending Sunday school and priesthood because I would leave them more angry and/or depressed. It didn't seem to be helping me become more Christ like, therefore it is not for me right now. I think that's the hardest thing about going to church is that I feel like I don't really fit in. I as a friend told me "[I go] against everything we've been taught." or my Dad said "[I] don't fit into the plan of salvation." Granted they were talking about being gay, but gay is what I am. I would love to go to Sunday school and priesthood to be uplifted. However that hasn't been happening for the past couple of years. I want to do it for the sake of my Elder's quorum president. It was nice of him to invite me to come.

The pain is just becoming more and more unbearable as the days have gone by since my parents held the "gay-vention." Its supposed to get better. While I am becoming more functional, the pain numbs my emotion. My body has gone into survival mode. I am constantly exhausted. Even though through out the day am feel like I am on the verge of falling asleep, when it comes to sleepy time it takes at least an hour to fall asleep. I'm just sick of manipulating myself to attempt to control my emotions and actions. I just want it to end.

Monday, September 5, 2011

We Were Never Meant To Be This Damn Broken...

My parents came to visit. It started out ok. It was awkward, I'm sure because we both knew what was going to happen sometime during the trip. Saturday was fine, long but fine. Sunday I went to a friends baby blessing and brought my parents a long. It was of course a fast sunday. The blessing was a grieving moment for me as well as a support to my friend. He said he would have asked me to be in the circle but his father in law was in a wheelchair, but I feel like my sexuality had something to do with it.

Any way the baby blessings is not what I want to talk about. After we got home from church I took my parents to the hotel room to change. My Dad wanted me to come in so we could "visit." I knew what that meant. So I went in and kept my sunglasses on. We started out talking about the kitchen remodel. Then the scriptures were pulled out... I knew what that meant.

My Dad read a passage from Doctrine and Covenants and then from Abraham. The verses were about how we were intelligences before we were born. While he used those scriptures to support that we existed as spirits before we were born, he failed to bring that to the whole gay thing. But I knew where he was going with it.

He then proceded to tell me what he thought about homosexuality and how the prophet speaks for God. The same things he had emailed me. He also told me that he loved me and that he was jealous that I could make friends so easily. While the complements were nice, they came with a grenade. He told me that he trusted that I would make the right decisions. However he already had in mind the decision he wanted me to make. My Mom expressed her love and that she learned a lot from that book.

As they spoke of me being gay and "struggling with same sex attraction," I could hear the disappointment. I really hate to disappoint people and have worked hard to never disappoint my parents. I was used to disappointing my father, but my mother not really. The phrase "struggling with same sex attraction," implies that I can be "fixed." This is not going to go away. It is as much a part of me as my eyes. My Dad talked about how he doesn't go a day without praying for me and my friend (who is gay and my parents know well). Does he pray that I'll be "fixed." Maybe its my pride but I could hear how proud he was of himself for being so righteous.

After they were done the asked me if I wanted to say something. I struggled to let them know who I felt. I was is so much pain and struggling to breathe. After failed attempts to get through to them I asked for some time to myself. So I went for a drive and just focused on ending my anxiety attack. I really wanted someone I could trust to just sit there next to me. Unfortunately the person I trust enough was unavailable.

When I got back I tried to express the pain to my father and how I felt. However he would never let me really speak. He wouldn't listen. We started to argue and I didn't want another fight on our record. So I just let him have the last word and took it once again. The thing that he said that made me realize there was no point in discussing this with him anymore was "you'd have to agree that it doesn't fall in line with the plan of salvation." I don't admit it. There are many children in the world who need loving parents. Why can't me and my future husband provide a child or children with love and support that a child needs?

We went back to my place for dinner. I didn't really speak the drive back. When I got home I went to my room to change as well as to get my game face on... well at least as much as I could. We finished up dinner and ate. All I wanted to do was watch something but of course my Dad was opposed to that. We played a couple of games.

That night I invited a bunch of people over to have some crepes. Those who attended I'm sure could tell something was wrong with me. I just wanted to stay busy the whole time making crepes and let everyone else just eat and enjoy the company of others. I was really glad for all who came, especially those who knew how difficult this was to have my parents here.

I have to "divorce" my parents. This doesn't mean that I won't still have relationships with them, it just means they are not able to be an emotional/spiritual support for me. Thus leaving me more a lone than I was before. A gay mormon does not need anymore reasons to feel a lone.

I hate that my pain causes so much pain for my Mom, she doesn't deserve anymore pain. I hate that I can not just be the person that my Mom wants me to be, or my Dad or the Prophet. I feel trapped. I can not be happy living a lone and celibate in the church. I will disappoint my parents, other family members, and some friends if I pursue a relationship with a man. I can't kill my self because I can't bear being the source of that much pain for my loved ones. So this leaves me trapped. Me being gay has hurt some relationships that I care deeply about.

Today after I dropped my parents off. I ate and ate, while I watched movie after movie. I needed to be working on homework but the wound was too fresh. Through out the day when I thought I was feeling better, something so small triggered the pain. So I am here in my bed typing away unable to sleep.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Landslide Will Bring Me Down...

Tomorrow is dooms day, or at least it feels like it. I feel much better about my parents visit, but I know that my body is using an old trick. I have successfully made a facade that even I am fooled by. I wish I could say that I wasn't worried about the events of this weekend, but I can't. Unconsciously I know I am just as terrified as I was when I was having that panic attack in my therapist's office. How do I know this, I started crying watching The Colbert Report. I started to cry and instantly got sad. When I stopped crying it was like nothing happened.

Tonight I went to a USGA meeting. If you don't know what that is I'm not surprised. But USGA is an unofficial group at BYU. USGA stands for "understanding same gender attraction." It was good to interact with other gays and lesbians. It was also nice to meet straight people who support us.

I have my mind wander to think about my future as a gay man. I don't know what will happen or how I will get through this part of my life. I talked with Bridey, a lesbian, she is happy to be a lesbian. I'm not at that point, I don't know if could be. I admire that in her. I realized tonight that my self hatred is fueled by my sexuality. I have been conditioned to hate my self not only for my humaness, but also for my sexuality.

Years of this self hatred being reenforced with words, failures, and synapses have worn me down. My Dad taught me the false notion that I am in control of everything. That was very evident when I was in trouble for some other person breaking into my car at a football game in high school. Control is how maintain my sanity. So sorry anyone who knows me, yes I am controlling and I know it. It gives me peace.

I lost control these past couple weeks and am struggling to regain it again. That scares me more than death. But those who know me well know that death doesn't scare me much any way. Death is a welcomed event for me. I want to live only if I can be happy, but the work it takes seems to be endless.

As I feel the pain of lowliness that is fueled by the gay mormon contradiction. I take solace in my music, it is my "Suicide Medicine." That is a title of one of my favorite songs. Any way my music is what gets me through the nights that I stay awake crying desperate to have someone with me to comfort me. Someone there to hold me give me the need affection. For now I have my Dr. Dres that fill my ears with dramatic tones and poetic words.