Sunday, June 26, 2011

My Heart Was Racing, My Mind Was Screaming... I Just Lost It.

I just got back from church. I don't understand why church puts me in a worse mood than I was in previously. This fact makes it difficult for me to continue to go every sunday. Its weird that my testimony remains strong regardless. Any way this sunday was worse than normal. It started out like it does every sunday. When it came time for my favorite part, the sacrament. I bowed my head listened to the prayer. After the prayer I began my prayer. The first thing I said was said without thinking. I said to God "please just kill me."

I kept trying to direct my prayer in a different direction, but it kept coming back to that. I know that is what I have desired for a long time now, but know its not an option or an answer. However it just upsets me that after all this effort I am still desire the same thing. I have been working hard to know what my path to happiness is. I pray for direction, as well as use logic to understand.

So after an emotional sacrament service I decided to go for a drive. While I was driving my frustration developed into anger. I had a conversation in my head with my bishop about my frustrations. I was asking him what do I do? I don't know? Why is it that after all the work I have put into being happy am I requesting death. Why do I still hate my self? Why does my patriarchal blessing tell m that my mind and body is sound? Does this mean that me being gay is not an illness? Does it mean its in my head? Why does it say I'll get married to "a woman of my choice?" Does this mean I am supposed to marry someone even though I am not attracted? Are those just general statements? Why is the only direction I feel I have had tell me to go against the Prophet? Why isn't the Prophet offering answer for us gays and lesbians? If members of the church are supposed to be compassionate towards people in my situation why are so many uncompassionate? Why must we suffer in silence? These are only some of the questions I blurted out in my imaginary conversation with my Bishop.

So I decided to go back to church and ask some of those questions in real life. I got there in time for priesthood. My plan was to talk to the Bishop after church. I hung around for priesthood. Guess what the lesson was on eternal families. Way to kick me when I'm down. So I do what I always do convince my self there must be something that I need to learn from this lesson. I listened attentively and payed attention to my feelings. The lesson only made me more frustrated and upset. There was talk of being damned if you don't get married in the temple, that the reason we are here on earth is to have a family and homosexuality is attacking the family.

I decided not to talk to the bishop mostly because I am not currently in the state of mind to objectively meditate his words. So I came home to blog. So here I am lying in my bed typing away. So I think I'll just let my fingers spell out my thoughts.

Many have told me or talk about homosexuality as a weakness, but a weakness is something that is overcome or turned into a strength. So if homosexuality is a weakness then heterosexuality must be a strength. How do I turn myself into a heterosexual... prayer, fasting, living righteously? I can check that off and continue to. I know that Christ can heal all things. So if this is a weakness how is it to be overcome? Am I to be damned until this life is over. Am I destined to a life of watching other people live my righteous dream? Am I to continue going to church while some judge me for not getting married? Where is my place in the church if I am unable to participate in a fundamental principle of this church?

Even if I come to peace with my homosexuality and the church. Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I look in the mirror and see a man who is fat and weak. I hate my birthday. My birthday is a reminder that I have not accomplished anything. The worst part of my birthday is all the attention. The praise and love make me so uncomfortable. Why? Because I just don't deserve it. Then if I do convince my self that I deserve it I leaves me with a strong obligation to accomplish something to really deserve the kindness. Then the next birthday comes around and I am bowing my head praying in sacrament meeting for death.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Temptations and Evil Demons Crawling the Earth and Hiding in Every Corner

Tonight I made a mistake and I watched the documentary 8: A Mormon Proposition. This documentary is heavily biased and definitely anti Mormon. I just wanted to hear the other side of the story, I guess. Well it was a big mistake all it has done is cause additional pain for me. Many of you know that I am Mormon... and active. I have a strong testimony of the Savior and The Book of Mormon. So this creates a huge dilemma for me. It leaves me with no place in the Church.

This documentary brought up things that I wish I could erase from my memory. They hate in some of the members of this Church for my people. The comparisons they make? Does my sexual orientation condem me? Thats the message I received during proposition 8. If I could have one wish I wouldn't be gay, I would be able to marry a woman honestly. I would be able have a family with out serious conflict. However that is not the case.

The most hurtful part of this documentary was when some fellow gay Mormons spoke of their suicide attempts. I very easily could have been one of those interviewed. It brought back the pain that drove me to forget my family's desires. That's the pain that I wish the Brethren could feel so the would know why I am hurt. So they understand the conflict. Even if it wrong its more than a temptation. To drink is a temptation, one can find happiness without. A temptation is something that can be overcome. I have not meet one person who has overcome his or her homosexuality. Those who claim to be cured, my skeptical meter goes off. I just wish there was more compassion for those of us that qualify for the gay and mormon communities.

I opened up to a couple of classmates, with whom I studied regularly with and consider friends. (hopefully become even better friends) One of them I know has read my blog the other... not sure. One of them, the one who read my blog, said I want to at least hear from you in 20 years. A reference to a previous blog. Although I am not suicidal these days, it doesn't mean I don't desire it. What makes me not suicidal is my family. I can't give up without making sure at least apathy for life could occur.

Watching that documentary pushed me to start forgetting the pain I would cause my family if I went trough with it. As I was showering, I convinced my self to stick it out until graduation. I can make it at least that long. Hearing the story of Stuart Matis it hurts. It hurts because I know that I feel they way he did over and over. I can't bring my self to do it quite yet out of obligation to my family and friends.

Bruce R McConkie said it is better to be dead rather than be homosexual. Although I can't imagine any of the Brethren saying anything as blatantly hurtful as that, the tone is comes through as the same. So tonight will be another one of those nights that I listen to a song on repeat that helps me to express my pain. Tonight it'll be Death Right by Rocky Votolato.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

My Legs Weren't Sturdy

Saturday was an epic failure. My marathon was that day and I had to drop out. All that training got me to the 16 mile mark. Its not that I can't run a marathon... I've done it before. I threw up and my muscles cramped up. It was probably due to my poor diet the past two weeks. When I got back from Michigan I was determined to loose 15 lbs in 10 weeks. Well I ended up gaining 5 lbs. Any way the biggest contributor to my poor performance saturday was the lack of sleep. In the 3 previous nights I had only got 10 hours of sleep.
Need less to say I feel like a looser and a failure. However I want to try to turn this into a positive experience. Tomorrow I'm going to get back on track with my sleep, diet and exercise routine. My goal... to loose 15 lbs. by my friends wedding in August. Its possible but still will be difficult. I hope I can stick to it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Though They Toss and Pull and Churn

So I just finished an excellent movie. The grandeur of this movie doesn't come from great special effects, sweet fight scenes, or even adventures. This movie is much more simple, the most powerful emotion. As cliche as it sounds and is this movie is about love. No matter how cheesy and cliche the last couple sentences are I was struggling to find a better combination of words. Any way this story isn't just a tale of romance. The tale is not a story of boy meets girl or any other combinations of gender. This is definitely you've got mail or even Love Actually. This tale of love involves love for God, children, siblings, friends and parents.

We know the great things that come from love. Love brings people together, heals pain, consoles and is an over all cure all. However the damage love can cause when used improperly can be as damaging as healing. Before your mind goes to the scenario that is sung about in rock songs. I am speaking of how love can lead us to hurt others. While our intentions may be to help, our lack of understanding can change help to hurt.

This movie is about a gay man, Mark, who lacks self worth and is addicted to drugs. After an overdose he is forced into a program that is meant to "cure" him of his "sickness." The main character is resistant at first but the extreme compassion of the leader of this program changes his mind to become straight. However Mark falls in love with another man, Scott, in the program. The other man only tried to change to gain the approval of his father. After 5 or so months in this program Scott listens to his father's last words. His last words were used to condemn him for his son for being gay. While Scott's father was quoting Leviticus, Scott was telling his father that he loved him. His father cried "I'll never see you again because your going to hell." Its obvious Scott's father loved him, but his lack of understanding lead him to exclaim such hurtful words.

The most difficult story of misguided expression of love comes from the programs leader, Gale. Gale lost her son due to a drug overdose. Her son was gay he didn't want to change, so she kicked him out. The day she condemned her son was last time she ever saw him. So out love for her son started this program to "cure" other gay men. She was trying to give back to rectify her mistreatment to her son. Just like Scott's father she loved these men/boys as her own. Her compassion was commendable, but she feed their insecurities, and fueled there depression. If Gale would try to understand these men, her son, maybe she could really learn how to help them. I don't doubt her love for people one second. She lacks the understanding.

One resident, Lester, even attempted suicide. When I saw him in that tub full of water and blood I lost it. I know that pain that led him to do this. I know it and live it everyday. Sleep is a time for my mind to obsess over it by creating fictional stories with non fiction people. Some times these nightmares resemble my reality. When Lester was in the hospital he told Mark "I know its not the Lord's desire but I don't think I could live any other way." That broke my heart.

I don't want to ruin too much of the movie because I want all of you to see it so I'll stop the narrative there and move on to commentary. I related so well to this movie. From Scott's quest to gain his father's love to the compassion Gale had to help stop the suffering of these men. When Scott looks at a father's day card he made for his father that express his love, I felt hurt pulsing through my body. I though of all the ways I tried to impress him, please him and tried to be worthy of his love. Its hard when you want to show your parents that you love them by being who they want you to be, but if you are so far from their vision one can be torn.

I may cry during a lot of movies but I have never cried like that. I hope this blog has given you the desire to seek out this movie.All you need is the title and maybe a good source to watch it. Your in luck you can watch this movie on Netflix... you can even stream it. So go ahead add "Save Me" to your instant Que. I hope you enjoy it. My favorite from this movie is "Oh he is." You'll have to watch it to learn the context.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

White Daisy Passing

So I just got back from group. I said if I am 40 or 50 and still depressed and a lone, then I gave it a go and its time to move on to the next life. Of course people didn't want me to kill myself. I was annoyed by the reaction. I was think why did I react that way. I discovered the answer on my walk home. People have told me how it is so selfish of me to kill my self because I would make others sad. The truth is that is the reason I am still alive is I feel like I owed my loved ones to give it another go. So I have pushed through the pain and have been working hard so that I can be happy and be on earth with my loved ones. I will continue to try.

However If I am 40 or 50, I still want to kill myself because I am so miserable and alone. Then I say let me go. If it is selfish of me to not consider how my loved ones to feel, why isn't it selfish for my loved ones to let me go. A lot of people have taken people off life support because their pain or whatever reason. What is the big difference when a person has given it an honest go for 50 years of trying to find happiness, but still go to bed at night wishing death. If I am still in so much emotional pain that at times I feel physical pain because of it. If I am so depressed that I am still crying myself to sleep. Let me go. This life isn't the last time we will see each other.

I know this may seem morbid but its how I feel. I am sometimes jealous of people who are successful in suicide. They are free of some of their pain. They get to move on from this stupid life where they have a chance to get some answers. The successful aren't suffering in silence anymore. If they are my situation they have been suffering in silence for years and don't feel like they can be open and honest about it. (I know people will tell me to be more open and honest, but its not that simple) I guess I just want to give a voice to the suicidal who are hanging on for others. I know its hard to see others leave you, but remember their quality of life is devastating. They just want relief from the intense pain they obviously feel.