Monday, April 25, 2011

Goodbye I'll Miss You...

So today was an emotional day for me. The emotion was building up from the beginning of finals. I had to say good bye to my group therapy gang, but fortunately we decided to say in touch. Then finals of coarse are a stressful time. Then once it was all over my roommates left. They either moved out or went home for the weekend. I quickly got bored. I had gotten all the cleaning and organizing done by friday afternoon. So saturday I realized I was where I was a year ago, I had free time but no one to spend it with. Today Devin was going to bless his daughter Lydia. I attended the blessing but came a little late and sat in the back. As I was sitting surrounded by couples I realized this was my future in two years. The loneliness continued to increase. Then my mind wandered to the fact that Devin and Ashley were leaving.

Devin has been there for me over the past few years. He took me to the hospital when I attempted suicide, he has held my wallet when I didn't feel like I could fight the temptation to drink. One taste of the being drunk could turn me into an alcoholic. He was there to listen offer guidance, validation and comfort. So naturally I was dreading loosing his support. Tonight I gave him a letter the talked about things I wanted to say to him for a while but never got the courage to say them. After he read the letter he called me and asked me over to talk. Because of some of the things I disclosed in the letter I was afraid our friendship would end. I was terrified of his response. I was so glad he asked me to come over and talk. I was able to release so much emotion and abandon fears. We cried together as we discussed the letter. The tears for me were full of pain and his were full of comfort.

The chat with him and his wife was what I needed. I am so thankful for his friendship, acceptance and brotherly love. I will miss him and his family significantly. So here is my homage to him. Devin thank you. You are a great person who will bless many lives. I am so glad that you have blessed my life. You have made my journey through this pain I face more bearable. Your acceptance has helped me start to accept myself. Thank you, I will miss our workouts, the dinners, and our chats. The good news is I know that you accept all of me and this distance won't ruin the friendship we share. I just realized this sounds like I'm saying goodbye to him because of death... but he is just moving. The good news is he is only a phone call away, or a text if he ever starts texting.

This Easter was by no means like any other. It wasn't focused on tradition by any means. However it was full of spiritual experiences. I also had a great chat with my sister on the phone. Today is one of the days I have felt God's love for me. I hope I will continue to feel his love. If tomorrow I wake up depressed then I hope I can keep this feeling in mind to get me through until the next experience where I feel God's love for me.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Green Zone the worst Matt Damon movie... but where I want to be.

So this past weekend has been so great. You be thinking I'm another one of those crazy people obsessed with General Conference. The truth is General Conference did play a role, but because a talk spoke to me or because I was in the same room as the Prophet. No, it all started by going to my mission reunion. I went to the renunion to see my mission president and an old companion, Elder Southwick. I obviously got to see my mission president, it was at his house. Mitch didn't come though. However I did meet someone I served with but never got the opportunity to really know. We talked a bit there. I didn't think much of it. Then he messaged me later on Facebook. So I added him as a friend and did a little Facebook stalking just to learn more about him. I learned he has some of the same challenges as I do. In fact he wrote a book about. I asked for a copy. Thankfully he shared it with me.

This is when the magic happened. I read the book full of stories like mine in different stages of their journey. A couple weeks prior I had decided that I would fast for answers of how to deal with my trials. Even though I have done this many times I hoped this time would be different, because of General Conference. I have been struggling with the same questions for past few years and diligently seeking answers the past 2 years. My faith was definitely tested and many times I was frustrated.

However I received some guidance through the spirit. The thing it didn't come because I was particularly more righteous than previously. It came because that's the when it was supposed to. God helped me on his own time table for whatever reason. I'm just glad that now I have some guidance and have had my faith reaffirmed.

I still don't understand all that happened or why it was so significant. I still need time to process it all. I went from having the highest score on the OQ test (a survey I take every week for counseling), to dropping into an lower zone just in a matter of days. I don't know exactly what my life will hold from here on out but I feel like God has come back into my life. All I know is that friday morning I had my daily thought "Damn it, I'm alive." But it is now "Damn it, I hate mornings." (I don't think I will ever love getting up before the sun...) I hope this upswing, or down swing according to the OQ test, in my emotional health stays for a while. Maybe next year I'll be in the green zone of IQ test.