Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I'm bound to fall for you

I thought since that past few posts were serious I thought I'd do one that was more fun.  I was discussing with a friend what celebrities I was were gay, so I can make out with them (not that I'd have a chance). We discussed for a while and then I decided on my top ten.
10. Adam Lavine: The Lead singer of Maroon 5, not necessarily my favorite band but not a band one.  I love his tattoos and I love that he's a musician.  He is one good looking dude.
Channing Tatum GQ shirtless motorcycle leather
9. Tatum Channing: I do not like him as an actor and most of the movies he is in are stupid.  However they are worth seeing just because he is so damn beautiful.
8. Craig David: Probably my favorite R&B singer.  A lot of people don't know him, he is more popular in the UK where he is from.  But if you remember the song "7 Days" from a while back, that was him.
Will Arnett Pics
7. Will Arnett: Some maybe surprised he is on the list.  However I think some of you know how much I like him.  He is super funny and not too bad on the eyes. The good news he at least is part of the best celebrity couple ever to exist.
6. George Clooney: He's old yes, however he is super good looking.  I also love almost all the movies he is in.  I can't say that he is the most amazing actor ever, however he is good at choosing them.
5. Chris Carrabba: Hello he is super good looking, has great tattoos, and is the lead singer of my favorite band.  Obviously he is on my list.
Ryan Reynolds Pictures
4. Ryan Reynolds: Damn... enough said. But I'm not convinced he is not gay.
3. James Franco: He has that bad ass pretty boy thing that James Dean had.
2. Ryan Gosling: I don't know what it is about Ryan Gosling, but something about him has me attracted to his soul as well.  He is one good looking dude
1. Matt Damon: Surprise! I want to make out with Jason Bourne.  I think this was the no brainer number one.  I think almost every guy wants to be Jason Bourne, I do.  However I'd settle with just making out with him.

So that is my list, Anderson Cooper would be on it but he's already gay.  I thought he'd be worth mentioning though.  I do hold the right to change my mind though.  However, I doubt I would change my number one spot... its Jason Bourne.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Now I'm dealing with the way that it is.

This is part of a message I sent to an old friend.  I have edited some more, because if you know me you know I suck at grammer and am good at confusing sentences.  Its like many teachers have said to my parents, "Mark is smart, he just needs to slow down."  Then proceeding to illustrate how my speed has increased my mistakes.  Any way I also ramble, I am a May.

Me and the Church. Well I have and always will have a testimony of Christ and his role in our lives. My relationship with the church started changing on the mision when I found out blacks couldn't have the priesthood. Before that I never really questioned much. On my mission I just put that on the back burner. When I got home I meditated on it for a long time. It was really hard for me to accept. Then I came to the conclusion that the church has policies and doctrine. A lot of things were and are influenced by society. As much as that sounds bad to many of my friends. Brigham Young was racist, he let his misconceptions about a race influence who was granted the full blessings of the gospel. It did not change any individuals chance for achieving their mortal purpose. 

That got me questioning everything in the church that seemed to be contradictory. My mind has changed the purpose of the temple and its covenants, or all covenants for that matter. The history of polygamy, modesty, guidelines and even the church's role in our salvation. 

As far as me and the church currently. I don't fit into its current version. God gave me direction and told me what I should do. He has lead me to people who have helped me understand my sexuality, my shame and the complications. I am still learning. I am still constantly paying attention to the guidance of God. 

Logically and spiritually I have come a long way. My emotion has a long way to catch up. Like I said in my latest post, the church is a major shame enforcer in my life. Once I finally graduate, I am unsure if I will continue to go to church. I have stayed true to my covenants in the temple. Although, there are specific things I've changed because it is a constant reminder of how inferior to others I feel. I still enjoy my book of mormon studies and prayer. Those two daily activities are more important than ever for me. Especially the praying. The church does not fulfill its purpose in my life, at least in its traditional practice. Believe me I've tried to change myself, my cognition towards church, and had many discussions with bishops and stake presidents. 

I'll have to admit I am deeply hurt by the church. I have put my heart and soul into it. I have worked with ecclesiastical leaders. Something always seemed wrong, I always felt wrong. It has nothing to do with my testimony of the Book of Mormon or the restoration. I was uneasy about the answers about my role in the church being an abstenant single man. I accepted that for a couple of years, it was a progression from "I will fix my 'sexual brokenness.'" I tried to fix it believe me. The church has failed me, because it has been put in the hands of imperfect souls. However God has not, I owe my allegiance to him. 

My mind went from seeing in black and white and started seeing color. Life is much better that way, at least for me. Its easier for me to cope with my imperfections. I am starting to see things as variety, as opposed to rigid limited definitions. This new color vision helps me understand how I could end this stagnent spirituality. I have grown more spiritually in a week of this pain than I have my entire mission. 

I realize this is abstract and may sound like the mumblings of a man apostatizing. I know what this sounds like. However it is like you said I need to concern myself with what God thinks. I answer to him. I have to be abstract with my thinking, I disqualify as the church's ideal. 

As for the Mark May that you knew, I am that person still. I am just a more complete version. I am not pushing away from my testimony. I am strengthening it. I have learned much more compassion, patience, and understanding. I have become less judgmental and excluding. I used to judge people harshly that didn't finish college in the 4-5 year time span (excluding a mission). It is now over 10 years since I graduated high school (although, I did take a significant amount of time off, excluding my mission). God really put me in my place there

***If you know what song this post's title is from I will be super impressed. Also if you haven't noticed yet my titles are lyrics to various songs.  So if you don't know the song google the line and maybe you'll find a new song or even artist to love.***

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I love the way you lie

A couple of weeks ago at a group therapy session I had a horrific panic attack.  It was painful and my embarrassment was fuel.  Its amazing how long I have been trying to fix myself.  Trying to find a way to be happy, a way to be useful in this society.  It has been a long road.  Maybe road is not a word for it.  The word road brings to mind a nicely paved part of the earth that help us travel.  The word makes it seem more like its an aid in life.  This journey for me feels more like I am in a jungle that combines all the various dangers and complications any jungle can bring.  I have been fighting my way through.  I feel like I am going in circles.  I try to trust others when they say that they've seen progress.

I see progress, but its negated by my perfectionist mind.  I convince myself that my progress isn't progress just luck of circumstance.  I can no longer deny that I am not fat anymore.  However I still view myself as chubby.  I can no longer deny that I am not fit, but I feel like I should be more capable.  I can not deny that I have people who love me, who care, who want me to be happy and pray for my success, but I feel unworthy of it.

I think this is the root of my problem.  The shame I feel for existing, for using resources that are better suited for someone who isn't a lost cause.  Society would benefit from someones else's recovery.  My self hatred was passed on from my father and reenforced through my interactions with my family, church, schools, and peers.  Until a couple years I came home from my mission I was successful at hiding my inner self.  As with most people, a lack of authenticity can't last a life time.  As I have been fighting my way through the jungle my life has been hell.

The jungle can symbolically represent many things in my life.  It can be the facade I nourished and grew through out my life.   Now that I can no longer sustain my life in that manner, I must journey to a more open and authentic self.  Being my authentic self can help me to gain confidence in myself, teach me that my existence has value.

The jungle could also be the shame I have developed.  Shame is not necessarily a bad thing, but the shame I experience is toxic.  I have to get through the shame, adress it, and push through it.  I can no longer sit and wait for someone to rescue me from it.  I am lost in it and desperately want out.   It has caused and continues to cause pain, hunger, and ensures loneliness.  Leaving the shame behind will help me to build a sense of self.  I can gain confidence in not that I am an amazing person, but gain confidence that I have value and can contribute in this society despite my flaws.

The jungle could also an obstacle in my life that have to push through.  It will make me stronger, more wise, more compassionate.  This trial can help me achieve my purpose in life, to gain Christlike attributes and improve my soul.  Ending this trial can bring happiness.  Happiness is always at its greatest directly after a depressive experience.  This depressive experience has lasted years, the pain that was hidden for so long has become undeniable.  The pain has been debilitating and loosing it will enable me.

I could go on with the symbolism of my life trying to get through this jungle, but its getting way too cliche for comfort.  The point of this is my life is shitty.  I hate myself.  I want to change and am struggling to find the mechanism that will bring the desired result... my happiness.

I have made some big changes due to in part of my panic attack in group.  That panic attack forced me to realize that I have not been as authentic as I thought and that I am still extremely guarded.  I also realized the role of the church in my life.  As much as I love the church, I love many of its teachings and how it has helped me to develop my core beliefs, I realized that it is a major enforcer of my shame.  Just like I need my space from my father, another major shame re enforcer, I need my space from the church.  I knew that I needed that space a while ago, however the space is not large enough.  So I have made some changes that were a daily reminder of my shame and have deadly toxicity.

These changes have hurt someone dear to me and when some others learn of this change it will likely hurt them as well.  Its hard for some to understand my decisions, I want so desperately to convince them that I am in the right for validation my decision.  However, I need to start trusting myself.  I need build confidence in my decision making and stop relying on others validation.

I want to make my friends and family proud by conquering this debilitating factor of my life.  I will continue to refer to the words that suggest the temporary nature of this self hatred.  That I will be free of this burden.  I am told that one day I will look back and realize that it works out in the end.  One day I hope to be the support to someone who feel the way I do and confidently believe the words "It gets better."