We Were Never Meant To Be This Damn Broken...

My parents came to visit. It started out ok. It was awkward, I'm sure because we both knew what was going to happen sometime during the trip. Saturday was fine, long but fine. Sunday I went to a friends baby blessing and brought my parents a long. It was of course a fast sunday. The blessing was a grieving moment for me as well as a support to my friend. He said he would have asked me to be in the circle but his father in law was in a wheelchair, but I feel like my sexuality had something to do with it.

Any way the baby blessings is not what I want to talk about. After we got home from church I took my parents to the hotel room to change. My Dad wanted me to come in so we could "visit." I knew what that meant. So I went in and kept my sunglasses on. We started out talking about the kitchen remodel. Then the scriptures were pulled out... I knew what that meant.

My Dad read a passage from Doctrine and Covenants and then from Abraham. The verses were about how we were intelligences before we were born. While he used those scriptures to support that we existed as spirits before we were born, he failed to bring that to the whole gay thing. But I knew where he was going with it.

He then proceded to tell me what he thought about homosexuality and how the prophet speaks for God. The same things he had emailed me. He also told me that he loved me and that he was jealous that I could make friends so easily. While the complements were nice, they came with a grenade. He told me that he trusted that I would make the right decisions. However he already had in mind the decision he wanted me to make. My Mom expressed her love and that she learned a lot from that book.

As they spoke of me being gay and "struggling with same sex attraction," I could hear the disappointment. I really hate to disappoint people and have worked hard to never disappoint my parents. I was used to disappointing my father, but my mother not really. The phrase "struggling with same sex attraction," implies that I can be "fixed." This is not going to go away. It is as much a part of me as my eyes. My Dad talked about how he doesn't go a day without praying for me and my friend (who is gay and my parents know well). Does he pray that I'll be "fixed." Maybe its my pride but I could hear how proud he was of himself for being so righteous.

After they were done the asked me if I wanted to say something. I struggled to let them know who I felt. I was is so much pain and struggling to breathe. After failed attempts to get through to them I asked for some time to myself. So I went for a drive and just focused on ending my anxiety attack. I really wanted someone I could trust to just sit there next to me. Unfortunately the person I trust enough was unavailable.

When I got back I tried to express the pain to my father and how I felt. However he would never let me really speak. He wouldn't listen. We started to argue and I didn't want another fight on our record. So I just let him have the last word and took it once again. The thing that he said that made me realize there was no point in discussing this with him anymore was "you'd have to agree that it doesn't fall in line with the plan of salvation." I don't admit it. There are many children in the world who need loving parents. Why can't me and my future husband provide a child or children with love and support that a child needs?

We went back to my place for dinner. I didn't really speak the drive back. When I got home I went to my room to change as well as to get my game face on... well at least as much as I could. We finished up dinner and ate. All I wanted to do was watch something but of course my Dad was opposed to that. We played a couple of games.

That night I invited a bunch of people over to have some crepes. Those who attended I'm sure could tell something was wrong with me. I just wanted to stay busy the whole time making crepes and let everyone else just eat and enjoy the company of others. I was really glad for all who came, especially those who knew how difficult this was to have my parents here.

I have to "divorce" my parents. This doesn't mean that I won't still have relationships with them, it just means they are not able to be an emotional/spiritual support for me. Thus leaving me more a lone than I was before. A gay mormon does not need anymore reasons to feel a lone.

I hate that my pain causes so much pain for my Mom, she doesn't deserve anymore pain. I hate that I can not just be the person that my Mom wants me to be, or my Dad or the Prophet. I feel trapped. I can not be happy living a lone and celibate in the church. I will disappoint my parents, other family members, and some friends if I pursue a relationship with a man. I can't kill my self because I can't bear being the source of that much pain for my loved ones. So this leaves me trapped. Me being gay has hurt some relationships that I care deeply about.

Today after I dropped my parents off. I ate and ate, while I watched movie after movie. I needed to be working on homework but the wound was too fresh. Through out the day when I thought I was feeling better, something so small triggered the pain. So I am here in my bed typing away unable to sleep.