So I just got back from group. I said if I am 40 or 50 and still depressed and a lone, then I gave it a go and its time to move on to the next life. Of course people didn't want me to kill myself. I was annoyed by the reaction. I was think why did I react that way. I discovered the answer on my walk home. People have told me how it is so selfish of me to kill my self because I would make others sad. The truth is that is the reason I am still alive is I feel like I owed my loved ones to give it another go. So I have pushed through the pain and have been working hard so that I can be happy and be on earth with my loved ones. I will continue to try.
However If I am 40 or 50, I still want to kill myself because I am so miserable and alone. Then I say let me go. If it is selfish of me to not consider how my loved ones to feel, why isn't it selfish for my loved ones to let me go. A lot of people have taken people off life support because their pain or whatever reason. What is the big difference when a person has given it an honest go for 50 years of trying to find happiness, but still go to bed at night wishing death. If I am still in so much emotional pain that at times I feel physical pain because of it. If I am so depressed that I am still crying myself to sleep. Let me go. This life isn't the last time we will see each other.
I know this may seem morbid but its how I feel. I am sometimes jealous of people who are successful in suicide. They are free of some of their pain. They get to move on from this stupid life where they have a chance to get some answers. The successful aren't suffering in silence anymore. If they are my situation they have been suffering in silence for years and don't feel like they can be open and honest about it. (I know people will tell me to be more open and honest, but its not that simple) I guess I just want to give a voice to the suicidal who are hanging on for others. I know its hard to see others leave you, but remember their quality of life is devastating. They just want relief from the intense pain they obviously feel.
man the post was hard to read and even harder to accept yet your hope of being together in the afterlife is surprising. i think that the difference between you and the a person that is at terminal stage of their illness is that people have hope that your quality of life can improve. i strongly believe that mental illnesses are way worst than physical, a healthy mind can try longer. i dont even know why im writing this i just remember the first time i heard you talk like this and i just thought you were very immature, but i know better how profound your pain is. i feel bad and sad but i am at least glad that if anything you are giving us another 30 years! :)
ReplyDeleteWell, as you know, I totally get your pain. But I actually have given myself less time, I always find myself saying, "ok, if I am going to do all I can to fight this depression, and if I don't feel at least better in 6 months, then I'm done." Well, it's been three years of saying that. I still feel like there is no way I can make it any longer, but somehow I do. But I think people who commit suicide are in an unimaginable place of pain, and only God understands what that feels like. I have visited that place of pain many times, but I called out for God to save me everytime. So far he has, because I am still alive. And I hate it when people say it is selfish...they are so incredibly ignorant of what a mental disorder like major clinical depression is! I feel ya, Mark.
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