Sunday, May 29, 2011

When Singing About it I'm Starting to Doubt it

I went to a concert last night to see this band Book on Tapeworm. Weird name I know. Any way I was chatting it up with this photographer. While were discussing our musc tastes she asked why I like so many depressing artists. The easy answer is that people usually want music that compliments my mood. Since I am usually in a depressed mood, its cathartic to listen to somber music. I also love sad movies for that same reason.

As I have thought about it more today I think that is because I have masked these intense emotions most of my life so I am making up. Then my thoughts brought me to the conclusion that its the genuine nature of the lyrics. The amount of vulnerability that it takes to open up through music attracts me.

So I will turn up my Dashboard and sing my heart out to Rocky Votolato. I will tear up while listening to the Cranberries. I will reflect when Regina is elegant chords. If you need some good ol' fashion depressing music, I'm your man. I know where the poetic lyrics are and the emotionally charged notes.

So I will leave you with some words from one of my favorite songs. This song will take you back. No Need to Argue by the Cranberries. This song is about a lost relationship, or at least that's my interpretation. I makes me think of the lost relationship I had with my father. Even though I don't ever remember ever having a good one, I assume it wasn't all bad in the beginning. I was the answer to his prayers, his first son. It seems like our relationship will never grow past pleasantries. I always figured it would end up this way with him but I gave an honest try.

There's no need to argue anymore.
I gave all I could, but it left me so sore.
And the thing that makes me mad,
Is the one thing that I had,

I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

And I remember all the things we once shared,
Watching T.V. movies on the living room armchair.
But they say it will work out fine.
Was it all a waste of time.

'Cause I knew, I knew,
I'd lose you.
You'll always be special to me,
Special to me, to me.

Will I forget in time, ah,
You said I was on your mind?
There's no need to argue,
No need to argue anymore.
There's no need to argue anymore.

PS the Title is a lyric from Emily Brown... Try to figure out which song.

Enter the Place I Have come to Fear the Most...

I wish I was good with words. I want to be poetic like all those artist I love to listen to. I wish I could create music that told stories with great emotion. So I apologize for my poor writing skills, I am a science major after all. This post will won't be any different. I went to Michigan last weekend and had a great time. My trip was more than just a visit. It was an experience I needed to grow.
I got home from Michigan ready to conquer my life. Since the rain has been preventing me from working much, I have a lot of time to think. I tried to turn off my mind by watching movies and TV. However TV can only silence my mind temporarily and it looses its power after a while.
I watched Dan in Real Life last night. That movie awoke some buried emotions. I related to Dan's pain. I have never been in love and lost it. However I do know what its like to feel a lone amongst your loved ones. My sister commented on my distant behavior at Christmas this year. My withdraw was fueled by me feeling left behind. I was silently masking my pain. I can hear my family and friends telling me to just open up more. Maybe I should but habits are hard to break. I learned very young that expressing my pain only brought more pain to other's or myself depending on the ears that hosted. Even the damn response I would receive if I expressed my hunger was frustrating enough to detour me from expressing my feelings.
My favorite song is "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most." Although I am not a girl or wear make up, that song is basically about me. I have always had a facade masking the truth. A few years ago I "couldn't fake it hard enough to please." That's when all the suicide attempts occurred. That's when I started to distance myself from everyone, I ended my social nature.
I started a journey to become more honest, to erase my facade and expose my identity.
So who really is Mark May. Sometimes I'm not sure, but who is sure of who they are. I know parts of who I am. I'll save you the time and let you put in the cliche sunday school answers and move on to the more complicated truths. I along with most of the world, I need a committed intimate relationship. A relationship where discovery of one self is a partnership. A relationship where I know there is one person who accepts all of my faults and weaknesses, but helps me to change them.
This is where it gets complicated. I'm not attracted to women, but I am attracted to men. I have denied this fact and buried it deep with in. My shame has fueled the huge force field I created to keep the lie from myself. My friends outside of the church may not see the full conflict, but many of you do. I have a strong testimony of Christ, his teachings. I have a strong testimony of the Book of Mormon and the Priesthood.
When I finally became honest with who I am the conflict climaxed. I became very much aware of the homophobic nature of some of my loved ones, friends and family. I was hurt by the Church's direction in government policy. I was even more hurt by the comments from ward members, roommates, friends and family. I searched for answers from God, he wouldn't grant my desires. However he did have my pain in mind. He lead me into experiences and directed my meditation to help me work through this internal war.
During this God directed journey I have learned a few things. The first being my attraction to men is a product of my genetics. I did not choose this and it manifested itself very young. The second being I can't treat it as a secret. The secrecy only fuels the shame. Any compliment that came from others ended with my mind asking "but if you knew would you feel the same?" Then I learned that God made me this way. As stated in General Conference, God doesn't make mistakes. I am not sick, this isn't an illness. This is who I am. So do I live my life alone? Do I rob myself of happiness? Is this like blacks and the priesthood? Will the policy change? I don't know, I can't predict the future.
The most important thing I learned is that I answer to God and my Savior. The temple reminds me of that. I need to work to become Christlike. Through my meditations I learned to separate the Gospel from the tools and resources God has given us to guide us through this journey. The Church is only a tool to help me to become more Christlike. Just like everything else God has given us it is open to abuse. I have relosoved most of the conflict between my testimony and who I am.
What does this mean for me in the future? Who knows, we'll have to see. But I can offer a direction. I hope to find someone one to marry, male or female. Someone who I can share life with. Someone who is committed to our relationship and changing ourselves for the better. I am not limiting my options to just women because that is highly unlikely. I just know that I can not live a lone much longer. My pursuit for a partnership will continue but will not be limited to the gender.
I realize this is hard for many to understand. Some may disagree with me, even you the reader. That's ok. I just hope that it won't end our relationship in whatever stage it may be in. I am still Mark May. I still love to the Mountains, I still love Dashboard Confessional, a good show, TV, music, movie or whatever it may be. I will continue to pursue excellent health, set and reach for goals. Most importantly I continue to develop my relationship with our Savior.
I wrote this post as a coming out to the world. I have come out to my family and some of close friends. I don't feel like I need to have the coming out to every person in my life. It's just not my nature to have a conversation like this with every person. If I were heterosexual a discussion of my sexual orientation wouldn't be necessary. So I don't feel like it is important for me to come out continuously to every person I have am and have been friends with. However I do want to the truth to be out there so that I am obligated to be honest about who I am.