The Climb Can Kill You Long Before the Fall

Last night I finished it. I finished the Lord of the Rings. That tale is probably one of the greatest stories written. Even though I watched it over 4 or 5 days it felt like a marathon. This trilogy is 652 minutes long, thats 11 hours and 22 minutes. I can't believe that my Brother would watch them back to back. I guess making the chain mail and downing Dr. Pepper helped. Because I am an internal thinker, I have reflected a lot of this movie.

Things have been going down hill since I came back from vacation. It started with me being anxious about my parents visit. My parents came, validated my fears, and left. After there departure things took a turn worse than I had thought it would. Although the binge eating had already started it went to a whole new level. I started to eat until I got sick, then when I felt better I would eat until I felt sick again. My exercise went from being consistent to inconsistant and practically non existant. I was starting to skip classes. When I'd go to class I would have extreme difficulty concentrating on the lecture. I wasn't studying at home or doing my homework. I have gotten behind in class.

Watching LOTR inspired me. I know its dumb that a fictional story would do that for me but it has. Although J.R.R. Tolkin denied that the series was not an allegory, it is to me. There were times where Frodo, Aragon, Gandalf, and others denied hope. In the end not only were they successful in defeating Lord Sauron, but most made pulled through alive. The inspiring part is that I feel like I am at the base of mount Doom. My energy is practically non existant. My desire is strong but my exhaustion limits my ability. I felt like I related to Froto's strong desires and the conflicting exhaustion. In the end Froto did destroyed the ring. He accomplished what he needed to do to ensure peace in Middle Earth.

There are many "rings" that I need to "destroy" or rather there are tasks that I could apply this inspiration to. Finishing school is a great contender, but being completely out seems to be the task that is of most importance. Finishing school is more like a step to being out and to everyone. Leaving BYU is when I will feel free. Feel free to be myself, to date, to dictate my life the best way I see fit. As a student here I feel suppressed, I feel pressure to keep my sexual orientation a secret. After I have the diploma, I can better explore and learn my new path of life.

Right now is a difficult time. My depression symptoms are up to levels that they were three or four years ago. I have anxiety and panic attacks, eating and television binges, and of course restless nights. I hope I can continue on like Frodo did. I hope I can carry this burden. Although I can not "destroy" my sexual orientation, I can destroy the complications that come with it. I can destroy the self hatred, the dispair, the stigma, the suppression, etc. After this destruction I can then re-build my life with hope, self worth, and expressions of love.