Thursday, March 21, 2013

Dug My Way Out Blood and Fire

After a very nice message from an old friend form a time long ago when I was 'straight.' Take a moment to thank the supreme being you worship or don't worship that phase is over.  Shout out John Nelson!

Today I am going to come out again... but not as gay. I think the state of BYU and beyond already know that.  I wanted to come out on a different subject. I first started to realize something was wrong in my head when I was serving a mission.  I learned some information that was shocking and appalling. I ignored that and moved on.  Then later as I realized I was not truly happy, my joy was a fleeting joy. I started to question what I considered as fact or true.

If you haven't guessed it, I do not believe the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints is the only true church on this planet or any of the others for that matter.  When I learned that blacks couldn't have the priesthood I was shocked and appalled.  Like I said I ignored that, along with my experience in the temple.

Later in 2008 to be specific, I started to really question policies with in the LDS church, such as banning a race from full participation.  I could no longer accept the answers that I was given.  I had started down the path many mormons do when they cannot reconcile what they feel and are taught. As I finally concluded that racism was at the root.   I accepted that.

Then there were more things that I struggled reconciling, such as the temple.  I have never liked the temple, I pretended due to peer pressure.  In fact, I started to have anxiety attacks while attending.  Over and over I was displeased with something involving the LDS church.  Proposition 8 was a big one! Or politics in general, I am a democrat and realized that a long time ago.

Then the gay begin to publicly manifest as a part of me.  Or at least I was admitting it.  I struggled with the council given, the treatment of my kind, and self hatred that ensued.  I worked with others to reconcile my inherited faith.  I came up with ideas, loop holes, etc.  I wanted to hold on so bad.  I didn't want to give up the stability and comfort of the LDS faith.

Then I realized, it was not comfortable, it was not stable, it complicated my life greatly! I started to do things that made sense for me.  I started kissing dudes, and I loved it.  I started drinking, I still love it. In fact, I only follow parts of the word of wisdom that most mormons ignore.  I went clubbing with my fellow beautiful gays.

I would still go to church when I felt like it.  I still loved or love spirituality and improving my self.  I did start noticing that the more I would distance my self from the LDS faith the happier I became.  My joy was less and less fleeting! Then I started dating Kevin.

I have now come to realize that not only am I not a believer of the LDS faith, I don't know what I believe.  I feel good about that.  I cannot see God nor do I know that he exists.  I do however have faith that he does, I feel like there is an aspect of human existence that separates us from other creatures.  That leads me to believe that God exists, but it doesn't give me the knowledge that he/she does.  Same goes with Christ being my savior. Then there is questioning the after life.  If God does exist why wouldn't he be more understanding of my doubt than a human, he is God.  If he doesn't exist the concept of a god becomes a mute point.

I am perfectly ok with knowing, it gives me more peace.  Ever since then true happiness doesn't fleet.  I feel content with who I am, but not so content that I do not work to improve myself.  I my friends am agnostic.  A proud agnostic at that.  I get question ALL possibilities and not feel obligated to keep my theories in line with a religion.  Honestly the idea of reincarnation is the most appealing, and eternal life in which I continually work on being a better person.  Or always finding the same soul life after life.  Maybe that soul is female one life and male the next.  But again I don't really believe in fate.

Thats what I want to do with my spirituality, focus on self improvement. learn to better love, and yes wonder.  If I am to be honest, I really want to say "FUCK YOU MORMON FAITH!" However that is childish and unproductive.  While I did just say it, that feeling fleets just like my joy did.  I am working through the pain I endured during my activity.  Someday I will be able to move on and not care.  After all, there are many valuable lessons I learned in the Mormon context.

For those of you worried about my salvation, don't its my salvation not yours.  I have never been happier.  After experience you straight people so liberally get to feel, I can never go back.  I am in love for the first time.  My soul sings those cheesy, but so romantic love songs.  Those of you who know what I am talking about, imagine never being able to be in love with your partner.  I imagine it and would rather die than to be working on a connection such as the one I have with Kevin.  You see, in the case of an existence of a God, my salvation is looking better now than it did in 2008 when I was still very dedicated to the LDS faith.  I know this because of the same way you may feel about your faith, I experience true joy and happiness.

PS-I'm not editing this, I am way too lazy and suck way too much at grammer.  I value honesty and personality way more than what society dictate as correct.


  1. I'm glad you are enjoying the journey to truly finding yourself and where you fit. Hope you know this doesn't change where you stand with me and I hope this hasn't been an issue in regardto the friendship I've still believed to be there between us. I am inclined to think not, but just thought I would put that out there. love you mark.

  2. I want to second Tay's comment. I've seen some of what you've been through by reading your blog posts, and I am so glad that you have found some happiness and contentment with life. I think that's the best anyone can do in this life, really. You're still the same awesome person, and you are very loved. I'll always think of you as a friend.

  3. Tay, of course we are still friends! You probably questioning because I have been lame and swallowed up by my life up here in SLC with the gays.:) We should get together soon. Thanks for the kind words. That goes for you Meg! Thanks for the kind words. Its nice to know that people from my "straight" life still are my friends in my honest life.

  4. Generally, men will believe that what they wish to. When our actions contradict our current beliefs toward any evaluative object, feelings of discomfort result and in order to reduce this dissonance we subsequently change our internal attitudes. This occurs for everyone, including the religious. The moral compass by which we are "guided" is usually self-created and self-serving and the evidence we assimilate in everyday life is biased to conform with our established beliefs. Such ethical subjectivism is rampant in today's world and leads to moral self-licensing in behavior, as is evidenced in our actions when we choose what is immoral and what is moral to conform with the "value system" that, not ironically, conforms with our desires (a near perfect example of which you have given in your actions subsequent to leaving your church as you palliated what you previously thought of as immoral).

    I see a lot of that in this post. I also see it in the group from which you have chosen to distance yourself (as you freely describe as an "objective" example of clear and blatant racism, although this "truth", of course, is seen through your lens). It is very interesting to see how "truth", in our minds, is formed from our directional motivation to be self-described as moral and true to the self. Attitude polarization seems to be the eventual, inevitable result of these motivations, which appears evident in your self-proclaimed "coming out" in this post.

    This isn't meant at all as a criticism of the post or poster, but merely an observation of how surety can form over time in one person, even when their beliefs directly contradict their own priors or the belief system that others hold dear.

    1. Anonymous, it appears that you read Descartes. This reminds me of him anyway. I am unsure of the intention of bring up the proposed theory of one's morality is formed with in a person. It is interesting that a person's surety can contradict ones past surety and others belief system. That's what makes morality so complicated and unknowable at a universal understanding. That is probably why I am agnostic. A person's moral compass is developed through many many variables and different variables influence it more at different points in ones life. There was a time where my moral compass was not governed by my inner desires but by familial/religious environment. Where now it is influenced more by internal peace and happiness.

  5. Great site with a variety of stories from people like us that have come out from under the lies and oppression of mormonism. Also some good info on stuff the morg covered up and didn't teach us in deacons quorum or "seminary". I know you might not believe in Him but God bless. Christianity is different from Mormonism.