This Old Wound...

Today I went on a date with a great guy. We had lunch and then went to a movie. The movie I saw was Stupid, Crazy, Love. First of all the movie was excellent. I got emotional at times, not only because I'm a sad sap and a sucker for a good romantic story. The movie brought up some difficult feelings.

I have become honest with myself that I am gay and will not be able to have the traditional family I dream of. My mind is full of pain and conflict. I want to be happy that I am moving forward and searching for a life partner to share life with. Its hard to be happy with that decision not because I don't feel its right. The conflict with the church is what makes it difficult for me to move forward.

I want to stay active in the church and be the ideal member. Staying in the church means a life full of dinners for one. A house with one resident. Most difficult would be a life of loneliness. A life outside of the church is scary because it means leaving a life I love. Both decision don't seem to bring the peace I desire.

Right now I am sick to my stomach and I have an intense headache. It doesn't help that I just ended a great vacation with my sister. I was able to reconnect with my sister. I was able to get to know my Aunt Becky and her family. I was able to form a relationship with my cousins. I have never been able to do that. I don't even know how many brother's and sisters my Dad has. We just have never been close to our extended family.

One reason that I maybe experiencing this pain is I took my medication only once for this past week. Tomorrow I will start taking the medication again. I just wish I had someone with me right now to console me. I wish the pain I feel at this moment will subside and I'll be able get some sleep. I have to work early tomorrow.