Tomorrow is dooms day, or at least it feels like it. I feel much better about my parents visit, but I know that my body is using an old trick. I have successfully made a facade that even I am fooled by. I wish I could say that I wasn't worried about the events of this weekend, but I can't. Unconsciously I know I am just as terrified as I was when I was having that panic attack in my therapist's office. How do I know this, I started crying watching The Colbert Report. I started to cry and instantly got sad. When I stopped crying it was like nothing happened.
Tonight I went to a USGA meeting. If you don't know what that is I'm not surprised. But USGA is an unofficial group at BYU. USGA stands for "understanding same gender attraction." It was good to interact with other gays and lesbians. It was also nice to meet straight people who support us.
I have my mind wander to think about my future as a gay man. I don't know what will happen or how I will get through this part of my life. I talked with Bridey, a lesbian, she is happy to be a lesbian. I'm not at that point, I don't know if could be. I admire that in her. I realized tonight that my self hatred is fueled by my sexuality. I have been conditioned to hate my self not only for my humaness, but also for my sexuality.
Years of this self hatred being reenforced with words, failures, and synapses have worn me down. My Dad taught me the false notion that I am in control of everything. That was very evident when I was in trouble for some other person breaking into my car at a football game in high school. Control is how maintain my sanity. So sorry anyone who knows me, yes I am controlling and I know it. It gives me peace.
I lost control these past couple weeks and am struggling to regain it again. That scares me more than death. But those who know me well know that death doesn't scare me much any way. Death is a welcomed event for me. I want to live only if I can be happy, but the work it takes seems to be endless.
As I feel the pain of lowliness that is fueled by the gay mormon contradiction. I take solace in my music, it is my "Suicide Medicine." That is a title of one of my favorite songs. Any way my music is what gets me through the nights that I stay awake crying desperate to have someone with me to comfort me. Someone there to hold me give me the need affection. For now I have my Dr. Dres that fill my ears with dramatic tones and poetic words.
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