So I've been thinking a lot about the transition from in the closet Mark and the Mark who lives in reality. I just chuckled... why because I thought of a south park episode where Tom Cruiz, John Trovolta, and R. Kelly won't come out of Stan's closet. I'll post a video. Any way, this transition is full of ups and downs. It has been down since vacation. These past couple of weeks have been filled with eating and TV binges. James (my co-worker/friend) can confirm my orneriness. Poor James he has to put up with all of my bitching. The two things on my mind lately have been "I wish I was straight," and "F@$% my parents are coming."
I just wish I was straight. Why might you ask? Well being gay brings complications. Being gay, mormon, and BYU student... the complications add up. If I was straight I could find a girl, marry her in the temple, have babies, and bring pride into my parents eyes. I wouldn't have to defend my position to my friends and family. I would have all the rights as a straight couple enjoys. My sexuality puts my job at risk. How messed up is that?! Being gay just seems like it will be full of complications. However the alternative is living a lonely life void of true intimacy is something I just can't do.
My parents are coming... Labor day weekend. This will be the first time I will see them since letting them know that I will be dating men. The first thought that came to mind when my dad asked to come visit was that they would hold an intervention. My sister, Misty, doesn't think that is the case. However, I'm not completely convinced. I can accept that my Mom would allow my sovereignty, but my Dad... Hmmm. I can see my Dad walking up to my bishop and wanting to talk to him about me. He's done it before. My relationship with my Mom seems to have changed. There is a significant of awkward silences during our conversations. I know they will always love me but how will things change because of my decision to exit the closet.
I hope tomorrow I can wake up ride my bike to work and eat healthy. I also hope that I can be in a good mood as well... for James sake.
As far as your mom goes, I think she's just wrapping her head around the whole thing. It's a lot for a mother to take in, particularly when her boy is struggling.
ReplyDeleteyou know Mark continue to torment yourself with these thought wont help. you spent enough time in your life thinking abt how and if to make the first step, now that you have taken the step stop torturing yourself, otherwise you'll never find any peace, then you might as well stay alone in he situation in which you were before. Understand it is not something easy to accept for parents but they are over 18 ans so are you, dont let them treat you like a child and dont treat them like that either.
ReplyDeleteI find it so interesting that you say you believe in the church but only when it is convenient for you. I bet you lie to your bishop when you go in for interviews and still attend the temple. Just goes to show not only the falseness of the church but the intense hypocrisy that is rampant within its ranks.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me nothing about my situation is convenient. I am a little insulted that you accuse me of lying to my Bishop. That just isn't true. Besides I haven't broken any temple covenants. As far as hypocrisy, you can find hypocrisy in every organization. I find it within my self, I bet if you are honest with your self you would find it in you as well.
ReplyDeleteWow Anonymous. Real pansy-like of you to not even own up to your own thoughts.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous may be putting it rather bluntly but I have to say I agree with the gist. I also agree with Mark that there is a bit of hypocrisy in everyone. I would say that if you go to the temple with a recommend that you got saying that you lived your life in harmony with the teachings of the church then that is a form of deceit and therefore untruthful. But then again when you go to the temple you make oaths, secret handshakes and signs that you will slit your throat and disembowel yourself if you divulge any of the oaths which is right along the lines of the secret combination in the BoM and is not Biblical at all (just think for a second whether a God who is perfect and sees everything and knows everything would make you do a secret handshake that anyone on the internet can learn to get into heaven). I suppose if that gives you comfort then you should do it and no one should say boo. I used to be Mormon, and felt a lot like you. Trapped and confined. There is a sweet freedom that comes from communion with Christ as your personal savior and an assurance of His grace in salvation. If you have that and still want to practice the Mormon religion then that is your choice but let me tell you friend, there will be no peace of mind and no freedom until you break free of an organization or denomination and what they tell you to do and live your life for your Savior based on His holy word in the Bible and experience that relationship that is never found in the Mormon church. Best of luck.
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