Sunday, November 22, 2009

Untold Storys of the ER... From a volunteer Episode 1

******Disclaimer******
Names have been changed to protect the identity. The mental images that come to your head may be graphic. Reader discretion advised.
Sundays I volunteer in the ER. This sunday started out very typical, I was stocking the carts. Unfortunately most of it was done already. I found things to do, like clean the supply closet. Which is really frustrating because its probably is just as unorganized by now and my 4 hour shift ended 40 minutes ago.
Now to the juicy stuff. As I was doing my "rounds," asking patients if they wanted anything, like something to drink, a blanket, or food. I saw some one being wheeled into the star room. (the star room is the where the life and death situations occur) One of the perks of volunteering is to see these situations. I hesitated entering for a bit, but went for it.
I entered and just listened and watched the medical staff do there thing. It was amazing! There were 3 doctors, 4 nurses, an EMT and me. Yes me. I got to help a little. My role will be explained later in this episode. It was just like when you watch the real ER show. Doctors and nurses barking out stats and orders.
Paul, the patient, had been intentionally hit by a car. The incident was gang related and Paul waited 2 hours to come into the ER. Paul was intoxicated as well. When he entered the Star room he was not talking or responding to anyone. As time went on he started to respond randomly to the doctors and nurses. They were extremely concerned about an head injury.
Paul was not staying still. This is where I came in. A nurse asked me to get 3 inch tape. I brought it over and taped Paul's head down. The attending speaks and starts to give orders. He wants xrays and ct. A doctor was already doing an ultra sound.
The ultra sound looked good on the right side but on the left side the doctor could not make out anything. Paul really need to get more precise imaging. The xray technician came in and performed a few xrays and confirmed broken ribs.
It was time to go to CAT scan. My help was asked of again. I helped get him prepped to make the journey. When we arrived at CAT scan I help move him from the bed to the machine. As he was receiving the CAT scans I watched the screen. In the room with me was two nurses (Casandra and Sally), an EMT (Chris), a radiology tech (Seinna) and the Attending (Dr. Wellington). As we were waiting for the CAT scan I got the courage to talk to Dr. Wellington, the attending. It was amazing it wasn't a great conversation, just getting to know him a little.
When the imaging was available every eye was watching to see the damage. I saw that his heart was working in overtime. I wasn't surprised because he was having a hard time breathing. I saw some broken ribs. Then I saw his abdomen. Wow his right side was all messed up. His right kidney was in the middle of his abdomen. It was hard to see a lot of the right side. It was probably bleeding making hard to see.
Once he was done with CAT scan I helped transfer him from the CAT scan machine to the gurney. We took him back to the ER where another doctor gave him an exam.
Unfortunately that is where my story ends. I had to leave to get home for dinner. I'm sure they took him to surgery shortly after I left. I probably won't know how it ended for Paul, but I was glad I was there to observe and to help.
This experience just solidifies my resolve to become a doctor. Helping out in the ER has made really think about becoming an ER doctor. I feel more at home. I have always know I think clearly in intense situations. So I think that my second home my become an ER somewhere in America.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

My New Medication

So I've been training for a marathon. Those familiar with the training process know that there is a day where you have a long run. My long run isn't that long yet but for a beginner like me eight miles can be challenging. I've been sore the past couple of days so when my Saturday run came I was contemplating whether I should run or not. I came to the decision that I should take a break. Besides I workout everyday for at least and hour and the marathon isn't until June 12.

So I went on with my day, the usual Saturday cleaning. Even though I wasn't going to run for a long time I was going to run later in the day. Well when it came time to run... I said screw it and I ran 8.4 miles. It was great! I felt good while I was running and when I got home I felt like I could keep going. While I was lost in the area of Denver called Green Valley Ranch I realized that I have a new drug. Get ready for this Sariah... its running. Yes I am so surprised I finally got the running bug. It is just so exhilarating to to run for an hour or so. It clears your mind and relaxes you. So I say forget about Zoloft or Prozac. Running is my medication and its common side effects are very desirable.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Motions

From small pins to fiery burns,
These are the signals of my dying nerves
Singed by the heat of your lines and curves
Into a fire that could scorch the earth
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through 'em
But I can't remember how to feel
If this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical
Oh if this is chemical
Then I am not afraid to be bound to the impulses of science
If this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Oh if this is chemical,
Then I am not ashamed to be owned by the impulses
From small shocks to surgin' bolts
These are the signals of my spinal post
Sent down the wires through their lines and folds
Into a riot on my frontal lobe
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through the motions
I'm going through 'em
But I can't remember how to feel

Chris Carrabba

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Feeding My Self an Idealistic Future

So i was just reading my scriptures about Sariah... not my sister Lehi's wife, was really worried about her sons. I'm sure her frustrations drover to make the accusations she did toward her husband. She called him a visionary man. Lehi doesn't deny his visions to here but tells her that his visions are what are saving them. His exact quote was "I know that I am a visionary man."

Now I'm going to take this out of context a little but I think its OK. I thought I'm a visionary man too. I'm not saying that I have divine visions. I'm saying I have visions of my future. Today I'm not who I want to be or where I want to be, but I can see where I will be. I have my visions of my self that I need to work for.

I know, I know I'm just using vision for the word goal but I like it better. It seem less cliche and you all know how I don't like cliches. Any way its my visions that give me the motivation to continue and work hard. When I start to loose those visions my hope starts to dwindle.

So I feel like I really have learned something today about myself. The times when I am most motivated are when I am working to fulfil my vision. I need to be a visionary man.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Believe it or not Mark's walking on air

So today was my first day in the ER at the hospital. I was really nervous because I didn't want to ruin this great opportunity. As I was waiting to be orientated I was pulled away by Albert (an EMT) and taken back to assist with triage. I was helping with IVs, blood draws, vitals and all other sorts of stuff. I was shocked I was able to do all that... but I could! I started to feel somewhat like a medical professional. Even though I was nervous I wasn't nervous about doing in any of the tasks. It was the usual meeting new people nervousness. I felt so much at home. I jumped into action where needed. I saw interns, doctors, etc. discussing patients and treating them and it felt normal and so right.
I've been worried if I could handle the task of Medical School, but I know now where I belong. Is like I discovered myself for the first time. I feel a huge sense of euphoria. Before my experience today euphoria only came from music, however it wasn't complete. I new that I could never be a musical poet. I knew it wasn't me, even though I wish I was. I love how Matt is a musical genius, but I knew I didn't have his gift. Today I felt that euphoria and knew that could be me. So today was a real turning point in my life. My drive is stronger, therefore my abilities are greater.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

If I Do, So Do You.

So I was thinking about the tradition of asking the father for his daughter's hand in marriage. Many of you know I hate that tradition. I think that it is demeaning to me and my future wife. Our decision to get married has nothing to do with her father. I know it's tradition but there are a lot of traditions not worth keeping.
If this tradition was important to my future spouse I would do it. I wouldn't like it but I'd do it. I came up with a way for me to feel a little better if such an occasion. I will require my future spouse to ask my mom if she can marry me. If I have to do a useless exercise so will she. I say useless not because I don't think my mom will have a hard time "giving me up," or that I don't care what she thinks. Its useless because I know my mom respects and trusts my decisions. Therefore if i have to ask so does she.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Good Fight?

Once there was a man. This man was just an ordinary guy trying to do good and make his world a better place. He did everything in his control to make his world perfect, but it wasn't. In fact his world was a joke. You know the story... we see it in the movies and sitcoms. Some nice guy (or girl) is at work making life better, not just for him, but for others too. But there is always comical opposition, whether its accidentally lighting the backyard on fire or tripping and pulling down the curtains while trying to stop from falling. Except this is real life and much worse. He constantly tries to fix his mistakes and unfortunate events. The clean up is wearing him down. However what destroys him isn't the clean up... its the guilt. You see he takes responsibility for everything that goes wrong, even the unfortunate ones. This man is broken to the point that he struggles with the basics. Things will change for him soon.
Now this is where you finish the story for him. Consider the odds and the obvious. Does this man give up a greater good or continue as he planned? What is right for him? Is it right for him to care so much or is that one of his flaws he needs to fix? How good is the fight?

Friday, September 11, 2009

Public Service Announcement

I need to let everyone know that Chris Carrabba has finished his latest album "after the ending." I am so excited because this means new music form one of the most talented musicians. Also this means that I will see Dashboard Confessional very soon when he starts touring. It has been almost a year since I have seen him in concert. I needed a fix. The album will be released November 10th. Let the countdown begin!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Can We Please Behave Like Adults

OK so I have kept fairly quiet but I'm sick of all the put downs and lies. Lets make things clear. Obama is not a socialist. His plan with a government option is not socialism. A public option will help anchor the cost of health care. Private insurance companies will still exist. So capitalism will still be part of the picture. Capitalism has flaws. Capitalism is based on ones greed. When people are vulnerable and desperate they will do just about anything. Death makes people extremely vulnerable. So health care cost doesn't respond normally in the market. So we need legislation to control the health care market. We have not had that control. So insurance companies do what makes them money. They make money by people enrolling in their plans and not making claims. So the insurance company does what they can to accomplish the goal of profit. We also need that competition of a capitalistic market. So a public option acts as a non profit insurance to bring down and anchor the cost of health care. People without health care who end up in the emergency room often can't afford the cost, so doctors and hospitals don't get paid. Doctors need to cover their expenses so they raise their prices. Health insurance companies raise their premiums and/or cut coverage. More people can not be covered because of health care premiums are too high. So capitalism has not worked for us. A public option makes it possible to control prices and still have competition. Most of the problem with health care is the insurance companies, so its should be called health insurance reform.
I am sick of all the childish bickering. People need to discuss the issue like adults and control our emotions. Politicians and political commentators need to be open minded and discuss solutions. Its understandable that we won't agree on everything. That is what makes America so great. We need another great compromise. Name calling and attacking, attacking others character and negativity is counterproductive.
So on that note I wanted to share a couple of my favorite quotes form Obama's speech last night.

"That is heartbreaking. That is wrong and no one should be treated that way in the United States of America. "

This quote references to victims of our current health care system.

"Our health care problem is our deficit problem"

Health care costs are major factor in our deficit

"The time for bickering is over"

This is funny and true at the same time. We are not arguing effectively to produce solutions.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Maybe Take My Shoe Laces and Belt Away

So even though I moved out early, due to extreme conflict with a roommate, I had a great weekend. I got to spend some time with friends and it was great. I talked to my Mom, which is always good. I find myself wishing I could bleed out these feelings. I don't know why my mind thinks if I bleed I'll feel better. Maybe its not feeling better just feeling different.
I watched the Best Two Years and my depression revisited me when I saw the Elder depressed. I feel like I don't have a purpose any more. I know the generic and general purpose. But what is Mark's purpose. How am I going to make this world better? I don't even know why I die anymore? The only reason I keep going is because I don't want to disappoint my family and good friends. This will keep me going for now but will keep me going on when that isn't enough? I have to figure it out... SOON. However maybe I'll get lucky and I won't wake up in the morning. Yes its seems bad but waking up to this life isn't any better. So good night... hopefully for good.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Disenchanted

So today I thought a lot about the song "Disenchanted" by My Chemical Romance. I just wanted to understand it better because I love it. I know what thoughts and feelings it provokes in me, but I wanted to understand the thoughts and feelings of the author. So after analyzing the lyrics and musical tones. I really think that this song is an exchange between two people one the teacher and the other the student. I think the teacher is frustrated because his or her pupil is not getting the message. The teacher knows what will help the student, but is not being received.
The melody I think brings a sense of hopelessness. I think this comes from the student. I think the student knows the teacher is right but thinks its too late to change. Now the student is stuck in the same pattern of decisions and will have to live with consequences. The student has become disenchanted. He felt like before his life was a grand skeptical of fun and excitement, or dare I say enchantment. However he realizes a lot of his overly positive out look took him from reality and now he has to get back to happy medium.
The lyrics cry out desperation for change while the melody crys personal failure. I know that is how things are in life. We can be logically explained principles but we cannot live by them unless we feel those principles. Sometimes the only way to get the feel of these principles is by experience.
That is where disenchanted comes in. At times in our lives we have moments where we are hit by the reality of our poor choices. We are no longer in a state of personal acceptance. However we are in a state of "disenchantment." We are no longer living a dream, but a nightmare. Unfortunately I am in the season where enchantment left and I am with a glass half empty. Some how I have to find my fairytale plot line live with my half full glass.
I'm have a sleep right now so hopefully it makes sense.

Saturday, July 25, 2009

My Campsite and Going down the Glacier

Living the life of a Mountain Goat


A view while hiking to the top.

This is a Picture at the top of a Mountain.


A nice view of flowers... my phone can only do so much.


This is where I camped

Some more Flowers.

I camped among these goats... there were many more goats.

I love flowers... I wish I had better pictures.

I love this ground cover

A picture of me along the way.

Something you could enjoy if you go on the same hike.

These flowers were everywhere toward the summit.


This is me at the top of Timp. You can see Utah county.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Will I Die Championless?

So tonight I'm full of a lot of emotions. It started out as anger. My lazy ass roommate Bryce can't seem to clean up after himself after his huge meal last night with his girlfriend. His girlfriend had to come help him clean his room. Seriously he is like a little child. Then I was angry because I drove all the way to REI and it was closed. Although I am very angry I am also very depressed. I don't want my sentence of Hell to be over. I thought I was doing well this summer but obviously I am not. What else does God want from me. What else can I do. It doesn't help that I live with someone who I trusted and sacrificed so much for turned out to be a big ass hole. I am reminded of the pain he caused and is still causing every day.
So here I am again lying in bed fighting sleep to avoid the awful dreams that will come. Being so tired I won't be able to fight it off for too long. My energy to keep doing the right thing is fading fast. These obsessive thoughts create lengthy battles within my neurons. My only defence from the urges to bleed is to remind myself that I'd probably have to explain the bandages. I guess I'll keep up the "Good Fight" and hope that I don't wake up again.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Wow! I Thought Tea Parties Were Meant to be an Event Full of Love, Happiness and Acceptance.

So today I was just browsing my friends facebook pages. I came across some pictures that an old friend had where she and her family attended the Denver Tea Party. This is the first time I heard of this. I must have missed this in the news because of finals week. I read the signs that the protester made. They seemed to be anti-Obama rhetoric. So I had to do more investigation. I read about it for a little while. I quickly realized that this was associated with the ultra conservatives. This may be too judgemental of me but it seemed like the dumb ass Sean Hanity would have loved to be there.
So I just wanted to share my feelings about some of the signs. First the one my friends were holding. "Don't Mortgage My Child's Future" My response well if Bush didn't ruin Clinton's hard work to get us out of debt maybe we wouldn't have to borrow so much money. The next sign I want to comment about is "Can I just send my Taxes to China?" A sarcastic wow is appropriate here. Another sign Keep your Change "I'll keep my freedom, Guns, and Money" Well if we kept up with Bush's plan China would own us. Obama will never take away our freedom, come on people he doesn't have that much power. Try learning about the way the government works. If you want to keep you freedom then you need to give up some of your money to the government to help it run and so that China won't own us. As far as the guns I do agree I think that guns should be regulated but not so hard to own. I support peoples right to own a gun, even if I have no desire to own one myself. So the next sign that needs to be commented on says "Don't tax me, Bro!" I don't know if you realized that but it takes money to have a good government and all the programs many people enjoy. We have one of the lowest taxes in the world, please educate your self. If you don't want to mortgage your child's future then you are going to have to pay more taxes.
So I don't know how much my friend has thought about these views she hold or her explanations. However if her arguments are like Sean Hanity's then she needs to study the truth and re asses her views. I realize many are afraid of Obama's plans and that is ok. That is what is so great about America, we are free to have and express our opinions. Obama won't change that. Lets be more rational and logical. Speak and think with your heart and don't forget your mind. They need to work together. So to end this blog we need another sarcastic Wow for all those Sean Hanitys out there in America.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

I'm Sorry You Parents Have Trouble Controling Your Kids, But Don't Put That Evil on Me.

So I volunteered at the Freedom Days on the fourth. I have in the past and I liked it. This time I had a rough day. I'm guessing it was as rough as it was because I didn't eat much that day. So I was first put on duty at the Jumping jungle gym blow up thing. I was just told only 8 at a time. So I formed a line and let 8 in at a time. it took a little while to get it a good organized flow. Once there was a good flow I was asked to man another blow up jungle gym thing. This one was much more chaotic. I was given no instructions. There was no limit to amount of children. So I stood at the end where there was a slide and regulated the kids the best I could. I figured out that I needed to instruct the children to continue the flow and not linger at the end of the slide. Some children would try to climb back up the slide. This was not safe with so many children on the blow up jungle gym thing. I was yelled at parents a lot for other kids behavior. The worst time was when I went up to direct a kid down the slide and prevent him from going backward through the blow up jungle gym thing. Well a father came and yelled at me and told me don't touch my child. While I do understand the father's concern. The father needed to a better job of watching his child. I had called out to his son many times before I attempted to help him. This man was accusing me of wanting to take his child. I was done with being yelled at by parents for their negligence. I told the man I was doing my job. He continued to yell at me. So I told him his son was no longer welcome on the blow up jungle gym things. This was not the only parent who tried to make the blow up jungle gym thing their babysitter. One mother, although she did try to control her kids, allowed her son to go on the blow up jungle gym thing with a bloody foot. So I had to shut it down and disinfect the blow up jungle gym thing. I was hard keeping children off of it because parents kept telling their kids they could go on it. A sarcastic wow is appropriate at this point.
It was very frustrating to be yelled at for volunteering my holiday to help other have a good time for free. I do enjoy serving others but would expect that the parents would be the difficult ones to control. I thought it would be the children, however, it was the children who minded the best. Once again a sarcastic Wow appropriate. After I ate much later in the day, at about 8:30 I felt better about my day and realized I had more fun than frustration. My 4th was a success.

5 Kilometers, One Hill and a Crashing iPod.




So I ran my first race it was great. I can't say the run was actually fun, cuz it was so hard for me. I will say this though it felt good at that end. I prepared the night before my clip was on my shoe, clothes were ready, and I went to bed early. So the race came, I started out way too strong. It was just too crowded with people, I had to get out of there. I kept a strong pace for about a mile and half. Even though I was running at a good pace this little 8 year old girl passed me. She ran so effortless and with perfect form. Then the worst thing happened... my iPod crashed! As many of you know about my iPod going to heaven (if you don't read the public service announcement). I was able to revive it and its hanging on. Once my iPod died that was it. The race started to get hard and I slowed down. As I was coming up that blasted hill I thought many times I can't do this and was going to walk. I pushed forward. I kept running... slow. Then I was almost at the finish and my friend Jeff caught up. I thought he had past me by then. As we were trying to finish strong some other 8 year old girl passed us. We finished the race strong and with the exact time. Now my goal was to get under 24 minutes. Well I completely failed. My time was 25:38. I may not have achieved my goal but I finished my first race. So enjoy the pictures. The blond guy is my good friend Jeff.



Tuesday, June 30, 2009

We Don't Need No More Truouble

So tonight I watched a great movie. The movie is called Amazing Grace. It was an excellent film with a even better story to tell. I know some of you who have seen it are like "What?! Mark you just now saw it!" Well I agree with you it is my type of movie and I loved it. Today was a good day to watch it too. Earlier today at work I was teased by my co-workers, nothing out of the ordinary. I always get teased about my ideals and convictions. I'm sure that they think I am naive to stand by some of the things I say. Any way we stopped at Wal-mart for soap for washing windows. Many of you know I have personally boycott Wal-mart. I knew there was going to be teasing. As usual I try to control it. So I set them up so that I could control it. This method usually works, but today I ruined it. The problem is I sometimes take things to seriously, especially when I am tired. I was definitely tired today.
Any way I got frustrated because my friend/co-worker was saying that Wal-mart was no different than Smith's or Target or any other big corporation. To a degree he is right. However he doesn't seem to understand why I hate Wal-mart. Wal-mart doesn't only hurt small business in rural America, but the corporation lies, cheats, and takes advantage of the poor citizens in not only our country but others. I have read and heard too many stories of Wal-mart's horrible management.
I don't want this to be a rant about Wal-mart so I'll move on. What was upsetting to me is that his attitude was so pessimistic. Many, like the dumb ass Sean Hanity, would say that my friend was just being a realist. I think that there is a difference between a realist and pessimist. A realist sees the world as it really is. Our world is filled with corrupt people. The difference between a realist and a pessimist is that a pessimist sees that person/ or thing as unchangeable. A realist sees that person or thing as stubborn but definitely not changeable. Isn't that the whole point of agency is to change who you are to a better you? Realism is not accepting things the way they are but realizing that everything can change.
The movie Amazing Grace reaffirmed to me the true meaning of realism and strengthen my convictions to change what I can. To all those that think that Obama is just our campfire leader leading us in a song of Kumbaya remember that Love is the best motivator to become better. That is what Christ taught us. So many love and follow him because he loved us so much. Like Bob Marley says "One love, one heart lets get together and feel alright."

Saturday, June 20, 2009

This is a Public Service Announcement!

This is a public service announcement to provide warning. Mark May's iPod is DEAD! It happened approximately at 8:21 this morning while Mark was jogging on the Provo river trail. Mark was running and thought his battery had died. Mark has since then charged it and is not functioning at the moment. Due to this crisis you may want be easy on Mark. When Mark doesn't have his daily dose of poetic music he may become irritable. You may need to approach him with caution. Mark becomes unpredictable and can attack at any moment. Also do not ask him to spend money. All extra money will be saved until he has raised enough to purchase a new iPod. If you follow these instructions you might remain unharmed. However you just don't know what Mark is capable of. Thank you and take great caution.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I know This is Late but Who the Hell Cares as Long as You Get to See Them

If you would go hiking you could stare at this while you are just living.

Seriously no landscaper can recreate this in someones yard.


The best flowers are natural

This was random


Once again landscapers have tried and cam close to recreating this but they always fail.

Many People Don't Know that California is Where my Roots Are.




This is an Awesome Oak tree just out in the hills by Concord. There were "happy" cows of California. I didn't think they were too happy, look at their food.


This is the awesome veiw of the hills in Concord

This is at the Marina. My Grandpa helped build that bridge!


This is a freakin sweet Tree!
This is a sea lion relaxing at Peir 39. Peir 39 was my favorite

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Back to Provo, Depression and Loneliness

So I just got back from California. Wow was it an adventure! I had a great time and am so glad to be home in Provo. We only took on fun day in San Fran, but I enjoyed everything (except knocking doors). I do have pictures and I'll put them up sometime. Any way I just wanted to note a couple of things. First it was so nice to have a friend to hang out with, even if it we were working the whole time. I know I have friends but they are all married so I don't get to spend as much time with them as I like. I guess I could be a pest and come over all the time, but no one likes that. It was so nice to get to know someone better and have great meaningful discussions. Even if I'm not so smart and experienced.
Second it was so nice to see my friend Jeff re-unite with his family. I could tell that he missed them a lot. When we pulled in to his drive way and his wife saw him she was so excited. His boys were just as excited to see him. I could tell that Jeff was a great father and husband, no matter what he thinks.
It was really nice to see that reunion. I want that in my life someday. A family that I can devote my life to. Whether I end up having the traditional family (i.e. father, mother, daughter and son) or a more nontraditional family (me and those I help in far away countries) I want that same unconditional love with someone I care for and about. But until that day when I feel like I can connect with others on a full time basis. I will continue to travel this road of life a lone. As for right now I'm going to watch south park to block the nociceptor of my emotional network.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm Just Gonna Take a Minute.

So I know I just blogged but I'm going to do it again. So I had a great discussion with my friend Jeff mostly about inner moral conflicts. I really enjoyed the discussion because I now understand him and know him more. By learning about him and his feelings and thoughts I was able to correct some of my thoughts and feelings. I know my logic is not perfect and I find many contradictions. So I always try to look for ways to make my logic more correct.
After discussing many topics with Jeff I have learned some good ways to correct my logic. I have learned a greater understanding of the south and its past and current situation. I feel much more comfortable with the confederate flag and most importantly I re learned that I need to broaden my understanding of others.
The best part of the discussion with Jeff is that I felt like I mattered and made a difference while talking to him. I never know if I'll ever come out of this depression, but its nice to hear someone still think you are worth it when you feel you aren't worth shit. I want to thank him for his friendship and hope that I will gain the courage soon. But if not and he reads this. Then I'd like to say "thank you, Jeff. You have helped me more than you realize. Your assistance seemed to b e involuntary because it didn't seem like you trying to help me. I felt like you were just being yourself. Thank you."
Every night I go to bed and wish death by morning. However, tonight I look forward to a morning where I will accomplish great things, be successful and do it all alive.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery!

So this week I ended up in California. To catch everyone up its raining a lot in Utah and therefore there is no work. So I was invited to go to Concord, California to wash windows. (they pronounce Concord like conquered) Jeff and I are staying at his in-laws house. They are so nice to let us stay here. It has been so wonderful. They are gourmet cooks and treat Jeff and I like royalty. They are great people, but I'm in a dilemma.
You see these people are pretty Conservative. As you may have guessed I am not. I am proud to be liberal. I want to just talk about my political views in the open but I tested the waters and they would get pretty bad if I let my views be known. So I'm going to release some of this right now here it goes:
I love Obama, I think our health care system primarily caters to the upper middle class and the rich. I think the Iraq war does not help the greater good. Everyone should recycle and treat our planet with more respect. We should be more worried about other than filling our fat asses with money and crappy foods. We need to empty our bellies and feed those in other countries who need food, not destroy their land and way of life. I believe that Love and Education are the only things that will rid us of hate. And yes I think that we need to study stem cell research and the abortion laws are great. I don't care if the legalize marijuana or gay marriage. No I don't think if we governed our country the way the founding fathers started. (Seriously that's why they didn't make the constitution so rigid). So to all you other liberals that are oppressed its OK. We are not just some unrealistic hippies that want to sing around the campfire. We know reality we see it every damn day of our lives but we know reality can be so much greater for so many other people. So long live Bob Marely ideals and Ghandi's principles. Most of all Praise Jesus for teaching us Love really does conquer all! (please excuse the cliche)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My Chemical Romance Changed its Status to Most Played on my iPod

So the past couple of days I have been listening to the album The Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. I don't know why I didn't realize how awesome their music was. I have loved the song Welcome to the Black Parade, but I never really listened to many of the other songs. Wow! (I don't mean the sarcastic wow I am known for) So I never really understood how emo this band was. I am so used to listening to bands a lot more mellow. As I listened to the lyrics of songs like Mama and I Don't Love You. I realized that these guys are actually poetic. To someone who is repulsed by the "hardness" nature of the music would miss the meaning. I was analyzing one of the harder songs on the album and realized how well the music matched the lyrics. I love when the actual music speaks the same language as the lyrics. So its not that My Chemical Romance has received a thrown in my music library. I would recommend this album to everyone, but I realize not everyone is into this kind of Music. If you are a big fan of Tim Burton movies, like The Nightmare Before Christmas or That Bride Corpse movie I think you'll enjoy the dark art of The Black Parade. But since I know the majority of people who read this are my sisters. I can't imagine Si or Misty jamming out to a song that they would probably call heavy metal (so you know Misty and Si, it would be an insult to My Chemical Romance to call their music heavy metal, heavy metal is dead and should stay that way. ) My Chemical Romance please grace me more with your musical and lyrical poetry.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

These Borrowed Words

Spend all your time waiting For that second chance For a break that would make it okay There's always one reason To feel not good enough And it's hard at the end of the dayI need some distraction Oh beautiful release Memory seeps from my veins Let me be emptyAnd weightless and maybeI'll find some peace tonight In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there So tired of the straight line And everywhere you turn There's vultures and thieves at your back And the storm keeps on twisting You keep on building the lie That you make up for all that you lack It don't make no difference Escaping one last time It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees In the arms of an angel Fly away from here From this dark cold hotel room And the endlessness that you fearYou are pulled from the wreckage Of your silent reverieYou're in the arms of the angel May you find some comfort there You're in the arms of the Angel May you find some comfort here

Monday, May 4, 2009

My Mental Movie Theatre Only Plays Dramas

So I haven't had the best dreams in my life. I still have some of the same nightmares over again. However their is something that has always been in my dreams. First they are all in black, white and red. Also I die at the end of all of them. Not only would I die but I could sometimes feel the bullets or knife piercing my skin. This has been the pattern ever since I can remember. Most of the dreams didn't bother me for whatever reason. However the ones that keep coming back must have because I always remember them and always will. This pattern changed on my mission I started to dream in color. The color was weird at first. Kind of like when watch an old black and white movie that has been digitally enhanced with color. Then I stopped dying at the end of the dreams. My dreams continued to be weird however I stopped dying and saw other colors than black, white, and red.
About a one and half years ago my dreams started to be so emotionally draining that I never slept well at night. My dreams were so frustrating for me that when I woke in the morning I would be depressed and frustrated. Luckily my nightmares are not so frequent anymore.
Now I have gone back to old ways. Color has left my sleep and only see different shades of gray. I don't always die in my dreams anymore. When I do die in my dreams it isn't another person who does the killing, its me.
Maybe it was me all along killing myself. Who knows. What I do know is I have to keep my dreams as dreams and not let them become reality. That is a daunting task.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Cliches Have an Inverse Relationship with Personality

So I know that it has been forever since I have blogged, but not too many people read it any way. So today I want to talk about cliches. People who know me know I hate cliches, even though I do use them at times. In fact me stating my hatred for cliches is probably a cliche its self. This hatred seems to be non-existent at times but I assure you that it is always there. Some things provoke this hatred and create frustration with in me.
Today the event that brought this hatred from depths of my prefrontal cortex to my hippocampus was because of Church. Church is where cliches seem to bother me the most. Although I heard cliche after cliche, I did enjoy the meeting.
The problem with cliches in this case is that they are phrases used to represent an emotion associated with a belief. The problem with such phrases in not the intent, it is that the phrase looses its impact the more it is used. When someone bears their heart to me using too many cliche phrases it feels like that person isn't really bearing their heart. Although the person maybe betraying their true feelings, the emotional impact of the their words become empty.
In the church cliches seem to be so prevalent and have some theories as to why. I think that that the church has adopted the a social normality that seemed to be prevalent during the height of the cold war. During the cold war the worst name you could call another wasn't a bitch, fag, or bastard. In fact it was the c word, a communist. Many Americans were accused of being communists just by being different. Fear entered the hearts of many Americans and so Americans became more and more similar. In the church many are called in active, less active, or apostate for being different. Those names or implications have similar effects on members of the church. A good example is a member's attire during a service. If a man has any of the following some may question his testimony in the gospel: long, trendy, or facial hair, or color on his shirt. For women people question her loyalty to the gospel because she is dresses trendy. The trend that is not accepted in our chapel is for women to where pant suits. Looking different than others provoke thoughts and feelings that the person's testimony may not be genuine. So just like in cold war days members of the church become less and less original. So cliche phrases enter the Mormon culture.
This push to be the same has everyone else has been in existence ever since the first human walked the earth and does have its place. I guess I just hate when people leave their individuality out when expressing emtions. So when I hear someone using overused phrases I have a hard time connecting with that person even though I may be able to connect to emotion or belief being betrayed. I only see the emotion not the person with the emotion. Individuality is so important otherwise God wouldn't have made us so different.
Even though I hate cliches like that stupid heart shape. Seriously a heart doesn't look like some person's ass or a women's chest. It looks so much cooler than that. Any way as I was saying, even though I hate cliches I understand why they are here and try not to judge other's based on their use of cliches but please everyone bring your individuality. I want to connect with you not relate to a cliche.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

A Bet Worth Losing

So last night after a somewhat intense study session with my friend in the library. I was approached by a girl asking me to kiss her. Wow! Before you think that I have such a power over girls I just want to refute that. I probably have the opposite effect. Any way she was trying to win a bet that she would kiss someone by the end of the semester. It was almost her midnight deadline. People who know me know that I have a hard time saying no when people ask me for things. So I debated with her and discussed the minimum requirement for her bet to be fulfilled.

Although I have a hard time saying no. I declined the offer. I felt so bad because I could tell that she feeling bad about herself for not being able to fulfill this bet. So when told her my decision I added that she shouldn't let this bet affect her self worth. I felt bad that I didn't let her give me a peck on the lips, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'm no the NICMO kind of guy. I know too many people, mostly girls, judge themselves on how many dates, boyfriends, or kisses they have had. Outside the church a lot of girls and guys lack self worth so they become sluts. That is horrible because every person on this earth is worth more than that.

I just hope that this girl learns for herself that even though she lost the bet she is still worth a lot to many people. One day she will find someone who will kiss her for more than a fulfillment of a bet but because he cares so much about her. I just hope that she didn't let her self worth depend on this silly bet and realizes that she deserves more than a random kiss from some guy.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Mat Kearney and The Script!

So last weekend I went to Vegas to visit some good friends and we went to this thing for people to show off their pets. There were mostly dogs. The also had live music. Wow was that music a treat. I got to see the Script and Mat Kearney. I didn't know there music too well but I was so impressed that I purchased their albums that night. I am so glad I did. I especially like Mat Kearney. So here are some pictures from the show.

The Script










Mat Kearney




Tuesday, April 7, 2009

These Feelings Won't Go Away, They've Been Knockin' My Sideways

So tonight I'm pretty depressed:( Ever since the whole Bryce thing I haven't been able stay out of this depressed state. I did have a day where I felt so good because I felt so liberated. However I have to see him every day and am reminded of how he has hurt me. I'm so lonely tonight and just want to be with someone, but of coarse I'm not going to get what I want. I know that things could be so much worse for me right now. I am trying to stay focused on that right now.

I currently live in a place that is so very nice. I love it and I have to move in the fall because I didn't sign the contract in time. Even though the contract doesn't even start till the end of August. It is so stupid the way they do it here in Provo. Any way I signed a contract for another unit in the complex and I think its a mistake. I went and looked at it and it was not even close to being as good as where I am now. Also I would be moving in with guys that have been living there for a while. I do not like that idea at all. I want to make the place nice but I don't know if the current tenants would let me change things. I'm hoping that one of the guys that signed to live my current apartment will back out so I can stay right here. I would love that so much.

I guess I'm to emotional right now to even think clearly. My depressed state makes my vision focus on only the stress. Just when I thought I was on my way from recovery I realize that I haven't even changed. I am the same ultra depressed person I was a year ago. I don't know the answers and am getting tired of searching for them. The only thing I know is that I have to remember who I'm living for and its for my family. It is because of my family that I am still here. My family has been so supportive. I just feel like that they are helping me fight a hopeless war. I have dreams and I work hard but the smallest thing throws me off coarse. I have to get back on. But the question is how the hell will I do it again.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Heart vs. Mind

So tonight I'm blogging while I'm watching scrubs with the sound of rain in the background. Man do I love scrubs! So moving on from scrubs. I saw an old mission buddy today. We talked a lot about politics. We didn't agree to many times. Although we didn't see eye to eye, our discussion was based on logic. He refrained from using the Mormon trump card and personal attacks. I hate when people imply or even say that I am on my way to apostasy. Seriously how can you think political views are doctrine.

Any way he said something really interesting. He said that he hated how liberals used emotion to convince others. I never really thought of it like that. His point made a lot of sense. I thought about it more as the day went on. I came to the conclusion that it just doesn't apply to liberals it also applied to conservatives. Abortion is the best example. Many pro life activists use horrible pictures to play with peoples emotions to say others. Another example is the Iraq war, many who strongly support the war. Talk about the humanitarian aid and government structure we are providing in Iraq.

As I thought about it my friends theory longer. I realized that emotion is good when making decisions. The problem is not that emotion is involved in a decision, the problem is when one only uses emotion in a decision. When we only act with our emotions completely we do not use logic and often make poor decisions. I also think that if we void our decisions of emotion we are also at high risk of making a poor decision. Without emotion we loose our human nature. We loose compassion.

I can't help but think that our purpose here on earth is to learn how to make the best decisions. Christ was so compassionate towards others because he had emotion. His emotion affected his decisions. Shouldn't we trust our emotions as well. However Jesus also used his logic just as often. Our emotions are what make us human. Is it really that bad to void our decisions of simple humanity? I don't think so. We need to use our compassion to help others and our logic to decide on the best way we can help.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

How Embarrassing for Me!

So I watched a frontline episode that my sister emailed me. My response: WOW! I can't believe that I followed the republic party for all those years so blindly. I am so embarrassed. It seems to me that republicans want less taxes but don't want to give up the benefits like social security, medicare and Medicaid. That does not make any sense. Even the beloved Ronald Regan realized that we could not cut taxes. Bush senior realized that we couldn't cut taxes even after his famous phrase "Read my lips no new taxes." Bush senior realized he had to do raise the taxes because of the huge deficit. Bill Clinton put America on track for redemption we started to have surplus again. It looked as though we were going to continue to have that surplus for years. Then our old friend George W. Bush cut taxes for mostly the wealthy and we started to borrow more money once again. Things got more compounded with the war. The cost of the war was too much with these new tax policies. Bush resisted the warnings to abandon these tax cuts. Then the economy started to fall fast to where we are now.
WOW! Was the only reaction I have. I just like most of the religious population was discussed with Bill Clinton's immoral behavior. I like so many was blinded by the great things he did help this country in the long run. I am so embarrassed with my self for thinking so horribly about Bill Clinton. I may not agree with his adultery, but the more I learn about his political agenda the more I realize he is one of the best presidents in my lifetime.
So if any of your are asking about my most embarrassing moment there it is. I was band wagon Republican who raising taxes were the worst thing ever, who thought to much about now and not enough about the future. Like my sister said to a me about a scantily clad cut out of Paris Hilton "Oh my goodness, how embarrassing."

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Can't take these Slogans No More -Bob Marley

So I watched the next to last episode of the real world last night. Judge me if you want but I love this show. This season is much more positive than others and people are much more mature too. So a lot of the focus was on Ryan going back to Iraq. Well it was touching to me because I saw his pain. It makes me more frustrated with the war because he has to fight a war he doesn't believe in. It was annoying that Chet kept telling him "I'm glad you are fighting to make me free." I don't believe the war is to help protect our freedom although it may have started for that reason.

I do think Ryan is a hero though. Not because he fighting to protect our freedoms. I think he is a hero because he made a commitment and he honoring it even though he is participating in something he doesn't believe in. Not only does he do it but he puts all of himself into it. I really respect that. Ryan is an inspiring man and deserves the recognition.

This episode was also touching to me because I spent the afternoon with a friend who is being deployed soon to Iraq. It just sucks because the only thing she seemed be excited was that it was going to be her last. Its sad that she has to go because I don't think that so many soldiers should have to go again and again.

They have been fighting since Jesus. How do we think that we are helping when those fighting don't seem to want us there. I think we should just continue to provide humanitarian aid and not soldiers.

My Hills Episode

So its been way to damn long since I have blogged. I wasn't going to tonight but I was really tired. So why the hell not I have a lot to say tonight. So first I'll update you a bit. So my brother came to visit! Yay! I loved it. The funny thing is we really didn't do that much we just hung out, but I hung out with my brother. I don't really need to do much else. We did go country dancing and snow shoeing though and it was a blast and an adventure at the same time. It was so sad to see him go.

I felt my self getting sick just before he left. It wasn't a OMG I have to throw up sick it was a I think I am getting a fever:(. So I was sick all weekend and still am a little sick. I think I have a minor respiratory infection. The symptoms are there. As the day went on I started to feel a lot better and could breathe much better as well. However my fever did get up to 102.5 degrees.

It was awful being sick! I think that this stupid virus/infection is taking longer for me to get over because of the emotional damage that I have endured. First my brother left. Although it was hard to see my brother go I know we'll be together again soon. The real kick in the ass was loosing a friend. I moved in with a good friend of mine to my penthouse suite in Lanai. It drastically turned for the worst. No we are just roommates trying to get through the time we have to live together. I got know Bryce in his true state. I thought I really got to know him especially because of situations we have been in, but I think that was only one very small fraction. That small fraction helped me to relate to him a lot. He seemed to be a guy that was just wanting to be loved and cared about.

Well since moving in with him this school year I have been exposed to Bryce a lot more. I started to question Bryce by some of the comments he would make. My questioning started before we even moved in together, but I just brushed them aside. When we moved in together I started to notice inconsistencies in his stories and actions. Then he told me some hurtful things. We worked it out a month or two later. We decided that it was just miscommunication. So I went back to proactively being his friend again, but he didn't. Then I realized he was never really proactive with being my friend he was just more like someone who just hung out with me so he wouldn't be lonely. I began to question him more and more. I started to realize that maybe Bryce was only my friend because it was easy him. I was inviting him over to do stuff all the time and spotting him left and right. I was certainly befriending him but he didn't seem to do the same for me.

Our friendship was slaughtered after many attempts I made for us to understand each other. It just turned into me trying to communicate why I was feeling the way I did and him accusing me of starting a fault war. After me loosing my cool and putting most of my belongings in my room or locking them up so he (nor my other two roommates) could use my things we decided to just have a civil relationship.

One theory I have that may have caused the end of our friendship is he can't seem to recognize that many people are trying and have been trying to be his friend but he isn't being their friend. I tried really hard. Even when things got ugly I swallowed my pride and tried hard to befriend him. He recognizes the gestures but fails to return gestures. He tells me that he is bad at being the one to extend invitations and so forth, but he can't use that as an excuse. Ultimately just do it, you can't expect to be a doctor or dentist or chemist with out putting in the work. Relationships can't survive if they are one sided. It seems to me that Bryce is blinded to the opportunities he has to have good, close friends.

That is what I think was what killed our relationship. I was tired of being the one who was serving him, extending invitations, and engaging conversation. He wasn't the best at engaging conversation but still not good at it. He would often try to talk to me during my favorite TV shows like 24 and Scrubs. I hate that especially in 24. Along with me doing the work in the relationship his stories seemed to become more and more inconsistent. I started feel more like his maid then his roommate and lets not forget him telling me that I was demanding because I like a clean home and did the work to keep it that way.

I wish it didn't happen this way but it did and its his loss. I know that I am not perfect and I certainly brought errors to our friendship but ultimately I worked at it and he didn't. I can't force him to work through the difficult situations that we encountered, the difficult situations that all relationships eventually encounter.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Old Friendship

So today may have started really horrible. I woke up so upset after bad dreams and going to bed upset. I ended the day great. Lane came over and hung out with me. It was so nice. I'm sure that he was kinda board listening to me. It was nice to have a friend again. My contact with people is usually because of school, work or church. I don't think he knows how much it meant to me for him to just hang out with me. I miss friendship of others. I have been doing everything by myself lately so its nice to do it with a friend. Its like JD said "People aren't meant to be a lone."

Monday, March 9, 2009

Wow! Did I really just Blog about nothing?

So what should I blog about today. I think I'll write about what I did today. I didn't do too much unfortunately. I spent most of my time getting my apartment back to a healthy enviornment. I went to class and it was so hard to stay awake but I knew I just had to go. My religion class was cancelled that was the best blessing of the day. Then my study partner cancelled that was great too. Why? It is not because I don't like to study with her or anything like that. I was so tired and not meeting up with her allowed me to take a really long needed nap. So I took my nap and it was great. I didn't get the recycling to the plant but its in my car. Wow this is boring. Something a little more exciting is that I went grocery shopping and fit 115 dollars worth of grocerys in three of those reusable bags. You might be thinking that just made some expensive purchases and I did make a few (like the meat and new pantine shampoo and conditioner). The thing is the meat and hair products were only 30 dollars of the bill. There was a really good deal on chicken 1.69 a pound so I got like three things of packaged chicken.

I did watch 24 and it was great. Unfortunately I was cooking at the same time. I was so behind schedule today. So I wasn't able to intently watch but I know it was good. Jack saved the presidents life and many others once again. He is again been framed for a murder and is on the run to try to find the people behind it. The sad news from 24 is that one of the best characters martyred himself to save the people being held hostage in the white house. This character will always be numbered one of the greats. His name was Bill... Bill Buchanan. I loved Bill. I will miss him on the show.

Well Sorry this was so long and boring. I'm really tired I think I am going to go to bed. I need some sleep.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

5 year old vs. 23 year old

So I went to vegas this weekend and came home to a mess. It's frustrating because my roommate(s) seem to be incapable of taking care of things. Why do I have to be the one cleans the apartment. Why am I the one to always clean the bathroom. Why is it that my nephews and neices are cleaner than my roommate(s). Its sad when a five year old does a better job of cleaning up after himself than a 23 year old. I could be just too tired to think rationally, but I don't care. Stop being so irresponsible and clean up after yourself.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Don't give me that fake S***!

So I am watching the real world. Judge me if you want I don't care I love this show. So in this episode its about one of my issues of living with other people. Can you guess it... cleanliness. Well in this situation its the guys who are the clean ones not the girls. So there is one girl, Sarah who is so fake! I feel bad for her because I think she is a nice person who is really trying to a good person. However I think she is very insecure so she changes her story all time. Its all good in the beginning but eventually people start to see the contradictions. In this episode they start to see through the her fakeness. I have a room mate just like that. He contradicts himself all the time. Its really frustrating. I think he does just to be liked but if he was just himself people would like him. He needs to stop lying and just be confident in his background and personality. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

My Deligent Nerves

Nerve endings oh nerve endings.
I know what you are up to.
Shooting electrical signals from my shoulder
I try to bring you to a halt by freezing you with an ice pack
I try to stop you by blocking the acetylcholine
that triggers the current
which flows up to my right hemisphere
But you don't grant my wishes
Why nerve endings
do you torment me with your signals
Shouting and shouting
Its OK I understand your message
I understand you my nerve endings
There is no need to shout anymore.

A poem inspired by this annoying pain in my left shoulder and Stewie Griffin.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Obama's Talks about the Budget!




So I really liked this weeks presidential address. I loved that President Obama recognized the shift our country has made these past year. The rich started to gain too much power. America is about providing an equal environment for everyone to prosper. I also loved how President Obama called out the insurance companies, the banks, the oil companies, etc. We have the right president for the job!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Maybe Someone Should Take My Belt and Shoelaces Away

So I should be sleeping right now I am so tired but my mind just started going again. So I decided to blog. Tonight isn't one of my good nights. It wasn't a horrible day, I just was seemed to be depressed and lonely. I think the loneliness got me depressed. I think that the loneliness came because I was searching for housing in the fall. I want to live with my friend Lane, but find it hard to give up what I have here. I think of sharing a room with another person and it stresses me out. Then I think of moving all my stuff it stresses me out more. I really want to live with a friend but I don't know if I can handle living in the ghetto again. Living here in this nice place has really helped me feel better because the condo feels more like a home. I think that living in a really crappy apartment would be fine if I was married. Coming home to a family would make it home, it wouldn't matter what the place looked like.

I don't really have anyone to blame but myself for my loneliness. I have become a hermit. I try to get out there and be social but its just too much energy for me. I have really tried to make friends but I know that I come off as very friendly these days. I am just so shy and insecure. I have reverted back to the days when I was in middle school. I have become more accepting of my lack of social life, but its not easy to live like this. Times like this I just want to bleed out the pain.

It pains me to think of who I once was. I was outgoing, skinny, active and dated. Now I can barely keep a conversation going with my current friends let a lone new people. I try to find refuge in something. I invite my friends that I do over but most of them are married and they don't have the time hang out with me. Then those that aren't married usually want to go do something somewhere else. I become uncomfortable so quickly when I am out of my house.

These are times where I wish I didn't know any better and I could just experience some euphoria again, even if was falsely induced. The closest thing I have is music. I listen and pretty much 24/7, but sometimes it just isn't enough.

So this is going to be hard to read so if you don't want to go on don't. This is why I blog so I can express myself not matter how disturbing, vulgar, or wrong. That was your disclaimer.

I just think of how great it would feel to watch my veins empty and realize it was almost over. Or I think of breathing in the carbon monoxide and realizing its preventing my organs from receiving oxygen and I would wake up in new world. The stress of living in this world would be over. I can't say for sure that the hurt and pain will all be gone but I would be that much closer to being happy.

I realize I can't do that to my family and especially my mom. She has done so much for me, I have to keep myself alive for her. So then I want to at least cause some sort of physical pain so that I could be distracted from the mental and emotional pain. Or a few shots so I could black out and not remember a part of my life. Maybe a shot in my arm to to send me to a place that doesn't exist.

I'm not looking for people to tell me "don't do it" "its not worth it" or "it won't help." I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell my that they love me. I'm not looking for someone to console me. I'm looking to be heard. I just want to be heard. I just have a hard time talking to people about my true feelings. I never really did that most of my life. Its easier because I'm not sitting face to face or on the phone or something like that. That is why I started this blog. I want people to know that I am in pain.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

My heart beats because of ions

So today I spent most of the day in the library studying the heart and blood. I'm getting ready for the test coming up. It amazes me how the body works. It usually comes down to chemistry. I never though I would say this but I'm starting to like chemistry. Well organic and biochemistry, mostly biochemistry.

Most people know that the heart uses electrical impulses to contract. Well did you know that the electrical current is spread across the cells by ions that cross the cell membrane and ions that are blocked form crossing. That's it potassium ion channels close and calcium channels open to allow the calcium to enter the cell. That is what excites the cell to make it contract. Its so crazy! I love the human body it really is amazing!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Chicken Marsala, the state liqour store and the onset of Dehydration (the chemical process not the illness)

So tonight I had a little dinner party with some of my old roommates. It was so fun to hang out with everyone. Any way so I decided to make chicken marsala. Well it has wine in it. I looked long and hard for a substitute for the wine. I learned a lot about chicken marsala including what makes chicken marsala chicken marsala is the the marsala wine. I toyed with idea of purchasing the wine. I was mostly worried about how my Friends would feel about it. I myself didn't think it would matter, but you never know if others don't mind. After thinking about it and searching another recipe I wanted to explore I decided chicken marsala was the winner.

So the next thing I had to tackle was purchasing the wine. In Utah you can only by liquor at the state liquor store. So I go there and all I see is bottles and bottles of wine. I barely saw anything other than wine. I looked for signs to tell me how things were organized. I found no such signs. I'm sure there is some kind of system, I just didn't get it. So I start to glanch at the names. Well everything was in cursive (why cursive, no one uses cursive unless you went to school when girls had to wear dresses) so I had to read every bottle to figure out what was what. Being so unfamiliar with wine and liqour stores I just asked for help. I then purchased the two wines in the chicken marsala. I can say that they do card (I always wonder if they do).

Because I was concerned about if my friend would be ok with the alcoholic marinade. All I could think about was the chemical process the alcohol needed to go through in order for the dish be void of alcohol. I wasn't just thinking of reactants and products, no that is too simple for BYU chemistry. I was thinking of electrons. Where did the electrons move from and to. I wish I could say that is was this cool animated video in my head but it wasn't. It was me watching my hand write out the mechanism step by step on lined paper in my notebook. Maybe I'll make the dish right before my final because it felt like I was studying while I was cooking.

Luckily the dinner was a success. I even surprised my self. It was good! I was going to just trow away the wine when I was done with it but I think that I'm going to keep it for future chicken marsla dinners. So once again I experienced something new and couldn't help to think of the scientific processes involve in what I was doing.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Hip Hop is Really Not Dead!


So many of you know that I love rap and Hip Hop. It used to be for just the fun of dancing. However starting in high school I started to search out the rap that was more on the poetic side. I fell in love with some old mc's such as the Fugees and Nas. I even like some of the old 2Pac, when he didn't rap about killing people to protect his hood.


When I came home from my mission I enjoyed that pop hip hop as much as the next person. As I get older I need more substance to music than just a good time. I need poetry. I started to leave the hip hop world and entered cheesy world of country. I love country its fun and has great messages. Some country artist are funny and a little poetic. Then I entered the emo world where poetry meets tune. I became addicted to a great musical poet Chris Carrabba of Dashboard Confessional. Wow his lyrics are great and tell stories of the soul. His melodies also tell stories. He is a true artist. I also enjoyed other great musical poets such as Jack Johnson, Death Cab for Cutie, Postal Service and other artists.


As much as I love Dashboard and Jack I was missing the poetic nature of hip hop. I listened to the Fugees, Nas, and even Eminem. I know that name scares a lot of people but his non commercial songs are good. I was limited to this small library that I have listened to since high school. Then I came across K'Naan on vh1. I was first intrigued by his sound. He has the sound and feel of Wycleif and Bob Marley (another great musical poet) and the sophistication in his lyrics of Eminem (I always have admired Eminem's word usage, he doesn't make up words and sounds educated). I decided to research K'Naan.


My research has proven K'Naan worthy to be called a musical poet. His music focuses on global awareness, promotes non violence, and tries to kill the need to be "hood" or "hardcore" in the world of Hip Hop. His music has substance and lacks "I'm the s***!" crap or "Lets have sex" rhetoric. Unfortunately he still is explicit at times.


K'Naan is from Somalia and lacks clothes 10 times to big. He came to America while his country was in civil war. He later settled in Ontario, Canada. He only learned English two years before his first album release. He learned English from primarily listening to rap and hip hop. His career started because he had a gig at the United Nations High Commissioners of Refugees. He performed a spoken poem criticizing the UN for their fails attempts to help his country. His poem captured the eye of singer. He started to get noticed by others and joined tours until he released his first album.


I am so excited to have anew artist hip hop artist to listen to that uses poetry in his lyrics. I know some say that rap and hip hop is not poetry, well, I strongly disagree. Rap and Hip Hop started as a musical way to speak about politic. Rap contains poetic elements. Until I discovered K'Naan I thought hip hop was dead. I am glad it still lives in K'Naan.
So I decided to add lyrics to one of my favorites so far from listening to him.
Take a Minute
And any man who knows a thing knows, he knows not a damn, damn thing at all, And everytime I felt the hurt and I felt the givin' gettin' me up off the wall, I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride, I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze, I'm just gonna take a minute and let it ride, I'm just gonna take a minute and let it breeze, How did Mandela get the will to surpass the everyday, When injustice had him caged and trapped in every way, How did Ghandi ever withstand the hunger strikes and all, Didn't do it to gain power or money if I recall, It's to give; I guess I'll pass it on, Mother thinks it'll lift the stress of babylon, Mother knows, my mother she suffered blows, I don't know how we survived such violent episodes, I was so worried, and hurt to see you bleed, But as soon as you came out the hospital you gave me sweets, Yeah, they try to take you from me, But you still only gave 'em some prayers and sympathy, Dear mama, you helped me write this, by showing me to give is priceless. {Chorus} All I can say is the worst is over now, We can serve the hard times, divorce is over now, They try to keep us out, but they doors is open now, My ****** Akon is gettin awards for covers now, This is K'NAAN, and still reppin' the IS (?) Comin' out of Mogadishu and still draped in the mess, And no matter how we strong, homie, It ain't easy comin out of where we from, homie. And that's the reason why, I could never play for me, Tell 'em the truth, is what my dead homies told me, Oh yeah, I take inspiration from the most heinous of situations, Creating medication out my own tripulations. Dear Africa, you helped me write this, by showing me to give is priceless. {Chorus} Nothing is perfect man, that's what the world is, All I know is, I'm enjoying today. You know, 'cause it isn't everybody that you get to give.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

I Heard That!


So I watched Obama's address to congress. Wow it was amazing! I was studying today for some tests and really was struggling to stay focused. I forgot that he was going to speak today. Luckily this morning I received a text reminding me to tune in. I am so glad I did! So I thought I would talk about the points I loved. I didn't catch all of it. My roommate kept talking to me during the speech.

So my first point was from the following quote:

The answers to our problems don't lie beyond our reach. They exist in our laboratories and our universities, in our fields and our factories, in the imaginations of our entrepreneurs and the pride of the hardest-working people on Earth.

I like that he points out the answer is in us. It is not in the government. We have to make changes to help the economy to survive. Now all you republicans I don't think that the government should be devoid of involvement. I think the government should govern. The government can hand out money, however the government can not force us to action. We ultimately have to make the decisions that add up to bring back our economy. We ultimately are the answers and need to step up. We work on developing new renewable energy sources, educate ourselves, and control our spending better.

So the next thing I would like to talk about how he talked about the countries economic history. He talked about how the growth was not due to government supplant to private sectors. It provided opportunities for business to flourish. By helping "the man" (yes I am using this cliche, it works and its in lower case to show my disrespect) we are not adding to the middle class we are depleting it.

So then I loved the whole energy segment! We have for too long been ignoring, procrastinating, however you wanna label it, the energy issues. I was once part of the problem. I dreamed of driving a big truck. I do dream of a truck but know I have to do my part keep my carbon foot print low. Its sad that we are not leading in the world in trying to find a environmentally safe form of energy. We invented solar energy and we use it less than too many other countries. I tried to get recycling to come to my condo but the HOA won't allow it. That is insane! I have found a place to take my recycling thankfully. There is not any place to recycle glass in the state of Utah. That is a disgrace.

So moving on to health care. Wow this is something that I am passionate about. I love medicine! Those who are reading this most likely know I am going to be a doctor. I have struggled with my insurance company to cover important health problems I face, but they will not. It sickens me that BYU, that has an alarming high rate in mental illnesses, does not provide coverage for mental illnesses in it insurance. Yes BYU offers free counseling. I appreciate it very much and have benefit from this service. However when I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt. It was not covered in my insurance. So I had to pay and am still paying the 5,000 dollar bill. BYU should be above the standard. Unfortunately it is not in so many cases (such as sports, housing situation, honor code). Now lets talk about health care cost. Wow 5,000 dollars for two and half days. I can spend less on a weeks vacation to the Caribbean and it would have been better for my depression than the situation I was in. The cost is out of control. I know insurance companies or "the man" are mostly to blame, but I know doctors need to take a stand! Lawsuits are also to blame for the cost, seriously people stop blaming doctors. The truth is they often work so hard to serve us and people are just waiting to attack them. Any way back to the cost. The cost needs to be controlled because health care is a necessity. Now the other problem is health care should be focused more on preventive care! Hello that will save money in the long run. Not only will it save in health care costs. It will help the economy if we Americans are healthier we will be able to perform at our jobs better. I want to be a doctor that treats illness and prevents them by providing preventive health care.

So that was long. If you are still with me I'm going to move on to education. Obama challenged every American to complete one more year of schooling. Wow that is so great. We need to follow that advise. Now I know it won't change my lifestyle because I am a student already. I also loved how he said that education starts in our homes. That is the problem with our poorly educated society its not those hard working underpaid teachers! We must teach our children to learn. To love learning, to always be open to learning new things. My sisters are great at teaching their kids these principles. I don't know how they do it but their kids are constantly trying to learn. The Shanafelt kids wow. One always reads. One always draws and loves to learn about the planet. Even one of their games revolves around the educational series Planet Earth. One can't stop exploring technology (he doesn't even speak) and the other just all over the place and loves to learn. Then the Wrights wow! The oldest is always looking to learn something new and is teaching his younger siblings what he learns and encourages them to learn. Then the Kitchen's they are very concerned about leaning in school. One of their daughters is going to be the debate champion. I can go on but this is long.

So I can go on some more but this post is long enough. The moral of the story is as Americans we need to use conservative spending and improve our work performance. We know how we can cut our spending. We can improve our work performance by more education, healthier bodies, and teaching our children to do the same!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Planet Earth

So I have been watching Planet Earth these past couple of days. Wow I love it! It is so cool that all the shots they got. Not only is the filming amazing they also tell a story with the animals, plants and mother nature. On of my favorite parts is the birds of paradise. So here is a link to the Birds of Paradise. You should watch it. If you wanny watch the series come on over and watch it with me. I would love to share it with you!
http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/planet-earth-jungles-birds-of-paradise-display.html