Tuesday, August 30, 2011

My Brian Never Stops Ticking...

Well today was pretty shitty. I am embarrassed to say that these past couple weeks of binge eating have put me back to 190. Last night I was eating and crying. I didn't want to eat but I couldn't stop my self. I ate until I couldn't take the pain anymore. I woke up this morning stressed. My stress lead to anxiety. What was I anxious about... getting fat. I still consider my self fat, even though people tell me I'm not. So really I'm afraid of getting fatter.

My anxiety turned into a panic attack. My panic attack didn't let up until about a mile into my run. I went to see my therapist and what happened I had another panic attack, this one was a lot worse. I lost control of my body, I started pushing against the floor with my feet as if to push away from my therapist. Then I grabbed my leg and squeezed. I couldn't stop, the harder I tried to stop the harder I would squeeze my leg. My arm and hands were in so much pain, all the muscles involved were basically in tetanus. I lost feeling in my foot and became extremely light headed because of my quick and shallow breaths. I ended it by replaying music in my head and instructed my therapist to not ask questions.

My anxiety is super high right now because as I mentioned earlier F$%@ my parents are coming this weekend. This is more stressful than I think some realize. I know my parents love me but the way they show it is what I'm worried about. I already know that they don't agree with me being gay... I just struggle with same sex attraction. So me dating men is disappointing to them.

I started reading No More Goodbyes... what a great book. The author does a great job of expressing the pain I feel without ever being a gay man who is mormon. I cried of course. I wish my parents understood the dilemma I deal with. The intense pain I feel. I feel trapped. I feel like if I live a celibate life like my father wants me to I will be waiting for death my whole life. I would be lonely and desperate for intimacy. As much as my friends and family are there for me I will never be number one, because they aren't my partner in life. Or I could be gay but live a life full of persecution, complications, and leave the church. Both suck.

Tonight the pain is intense, the anxiety rich, and the insomnia prevalent. My only hope is that my tears will lull me to sleep. But then again I'll probably have a nightmare tonight. So who will reject me and turn everyone against me to night in my unconsciousness. I guess we'll see.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

It Sits in My Head, It's Been There too Long...

So I've been thinking a lot about the transition from in the closet Mark and the Mark who lives in reality. I just chuckled... why because I thought of a south park episode where Tom Cruiz, John Trovolta, and R. Kelly won't come out of Stan's closet. I'll post a video. Any way, this transition is full of ups and downs. It has been down since vacation. These past couple of weeks have been filled with eating and TV binges. James (my co-worker/friend) can confirm my orneriness. Poor James he has to put up with all of my bitching. The two things on my mind lately have been "I wish I was straight," and "F@$% my parents are coming."

I just wish I was straight. Why might you ask? Well being gay brings complications. Being gay, mormon, and BYU student... the complications add up. If I was straight I could find a girl, marry her in the temple, have babies, and bring pride into my parents eyes. I wouldn't have to defend my position to my friends and family. I would have all the rights as a straight couple enjoys. My sexuality puts my job at risk. How messed up is that?! Being gay just seems like it will be full of complications. However the alternative is living a lonely life void of true intimacy is something I just can't do.

My parents are coming... Labor day weekend. This will be the first time I will see them since letting them know that I will be dating men. The first thought that came to mind when my dad asked to come visit was that they would hold an intervention. My sister, Misty, doesn't think that is the case. However, I'm not completely convinced. I can accept that my Mom would allow my sovereignty, but my Dad... Hmmm. I can see my Dad walking up to my bishop and wanting to talk to him about me. He's done it before. My relationship with my Mom seems to have changed. There is a significant of awkward silences during our conversations. I know they will always love me but how will things change because of my decision to exit the closet.

I hope tomorrow I can wake up ride my bike to work and eat healthy. I also hope that I can be in a good mood as well... for James sake.

Friday, August 12, 2011

This Old Wound...

Today I went on a date with a great guy. We had lunch and then went to a movie. The movie I saw was Stupid, Crazy, Love. First of all the movie was excellent. I got emotional at times, not only because I'm a sad sap and a sucker for a good romantic story. The movie brought up some difficult feelings.

I have become honest with myself that I am gay and will not be able to have the traditional family I dream of. My mind is full of pain and conflict. I want to be happy that I am moving forward and searching for a life partner to share life with. Its hard to be happy with that decision not because I don't feel its right. The conflict with the church is what makes it difficult for me to move forward.

I want to stay active in the church and be the ideal member. Staying in the church means a life full of dinners for one. A house with one resident. Most difficult would be a life of loneliness. A life outside of the church is scary because it means leaving a life I love. Both decision don't seem to bring the peace I desire.

Right now I am sick to my stomach and I have an intense headache. It doesn't help that I just ended a great vacation with my sister. I was able to reconnect with my sister. I was able to get to know my Aunt Becky and her family. I was able to form a relationship with my cousins. I have never been able to do that. I don't even know how many brother's and sisters my Dad has. We just have never been close to our extended family.

One reason that I maybe experiencing this pain is I took my medication only once for this past week. Tomorrow I will start taking the medication again. I just wish I had someone with me right now to console me. I wish the pain I feel at this moment will subside and I'll be able get some sleep. I have to work early tomorrow.