The Closer I am to Fine

This week has been seriously long. I think what made it feel long is that a lot has happend. There was the 4th, a day with the Kitchens and Wrights, and some new experiences. I started the week great with my sister on the 4th. No need to go into detail due the the previous blog. Then wednesday I babysat the Wrights while Misty and Colby were being convinced to come here to teach at BYU. Later in the morning the Kitchens joined in on the fun. It was crazy! There were 10 kids in my apartment, luckily two of them were pretty old enough to behave more like adults. Any way that day wore me out. Although the visit with the Wrights and Kitchens was more like a tornado of events it was so fun.

Other highlights that seemed to be more significant to my progression out of this hell involved the internet and chat with a friend who definitely is in the best friend category. These things have brought enlightenment and more understanding of self. But I will warn you before hand you may not like what you read.

First the internet. After talking with other gay guys out here I came to the conclusion if I want to meet other guys to date or just be friends with I had to look toward the internet. So I joined one of the many gay online communities. I am very weary of the internet being a way of search for dates and friends but I have been giving it a go. I have talked to some interesting people. I received a message from a guy who happens to be here in Lanai too, so that was nice. I now have someone to sit with at church that I knows I'm gay and understands the conflict. I have chatted it up with other guys too. I still haven't initiated any conversations with anyone, but I will... eventually. These sites have opened up more possibilities for me. I hope to be able to date more. But the most important think I have learned from starting this internet dating thing is that I am definitely gay.

Ashley and I hang out regularly and I love it. This saturday we went out to eat and wondered the mall. The best part of the evening was our talk on the sun deck of Lanai. That talk even beat the run in we had with a mannequin that had some pretty prominent nipples. We talked about many things. We talked about what it would be like when I get married to a guy. What the wedding would be like, how people would respond, and if we would have a couples dance (probably not). The most significant think we talked about was love and understanding.

The older I get the more I realize I just don't understand much. Its my lack of understanding the handicaps my judgements. Poor judgements can be detrimental. Judging others is just as criminal . We need to learn how to love and understand other. The two can't really seem to be separated, a lack of understanding inhibits love and vice versa. However we can love someone just enough to gain understanding and then we love them more. As we love them more we learn more about them and we understand more. So the two seem to work together. As we try to understand others we often grow to love them. However it seems to be best to love first and then understanding seems to come.

In contrast as we judge other we start to dislike others. As much as I think I know so much and have learned so much, I realize I can never understand another person perfectly. I am incapable of that but I can get closer to understanding another. That understanding can not grow with out love. If judgements precede understanding mistakes are often made and that person becomes nature definitive.

I am definitive by nature. I like to know an equation or procedure for every desired out come. However, life's answers are not universal or constant. If you look at the nature of God, he has never exclusively given universal or constant direction in any period of time in the world. There are some few constant principles but the practice of them is so circumstantial. If you look at the evolution of the church just in this dispensation you can see changes in council from the brethren. If you look through the scriptures to see the commandments change as well. Change in policy or commandments does not mean that an organization if following the ways of the world. I believe those changes come from us earthlings being able to make better decisions. The people on the world as a whole have grown and continue to grow in understanding. As our understanding grows so can our love. Likewise as our understanding grows we are better able to make better choices.

The line from an Indigo Girls song has new meaning to me. "the less I think my source to something definitive the closer I am to fine." It hit me while listening to that song is that I have been limiting my self for years. I don't allow myself to change and struggle to let others change. So I will try to work hard to keep out of such a small definitive box and open up my possibilities. But of coarse I'll take God for the ride to direct me.