Death-right

you'll die young if you live so carefully / there
are risks you must take to pay this world / I
know it would never be that easy / I have not yet
earned the right to die / I want you to hear me
screaming / I want you to notice what goes on /
temptation and evil demons crawling the earth
hiding in every corner



I've seen men crippled in anger / the sun burns
alive in silence / I've seen men wallow in fear /
inaction acts as a blade across the throat / I'll
learn how to make decisions / I'll stick by my
word - won't let you down / I swear by the grave
that's calling / nothing will stop me from doing
what must be done



something here is still innocent / It doesn't
matter if you decide not to believe it / There
are still places where the magic can breathe / I
want to breathe it in / I want to lay down and
never leave



we're stalking the ancient mariner / through
waters he takes his lonely course / once powerful
once beautiful / extinction lingering these things
are no more / I love you I'll never leave you /
though I may be gone for years on end / I will
never be separate / lovers through the lives
before and after



something here is still innocent / It doesn't
matter if you decide not to believe it / There
are still places where the magic can breathe / I
want to breathe it in / I want to lay down and
never leave

Music Box

So tonight I was thinking about the song music box by Regina Spektor. The song is excellent! Any way I am curious what Regina is really speaking. I don't think that she took meant it literally. She talks about life inside of a music box. I fell like that right now. I feel like I'm stuck in a box that limits my freedom. I am enclosed in this box by emotion. The extreme sadness acts as chains. I feel like no matter how hard I try I have to sing the sam song. I sick of singing my sad story. I just want away from everything that reminds me of my life. I think that's why suicide seems so pleasing at times. I realize I have live inside this box because I am broken. I want to experience things that are outside of the box. I am forced to continue living inside the box. Because the same thing is rehurst constantly i am costanly aware of the forces that keep me in the box. I love the lines, "Start to feel morality, I close my eye and think that I have found me." I feel like I can find myself. Any way I know this didn't make much. I keep dozing off while typing this. The point is I feel trapped and wish I could change it.

I want a six pack

So many know that I've been working on not being fat. Even though I have lost a lot of weight. I still have a lot more to loose. I started a program at BYU called Y be fit. So far I have had all the tests done. One of the test was a bod pod. I found out that I am 50 lb. of fat and 24.4 % body fat. So that means I should loose about 25 lb. of fat. I discovered that I need to improve my HDL levels! Exercise will help that a lot. Everything is normal or in the good category. Today is the day that I will start calorie counting. The good news is that I got an iPhone app to keep track of everything I eat. It also has a database to look up foods. I'm going to start with 1800 calories a day. The app suggested that. I'll have to keep playing with the daily intake. Its about time that when I tell people that I am an exercise science major that I look like it.

I Want to Cut the Red One

So I went on a drive trough the canyon. This always give me the chance to really see how I feel about anything. As I was thinking about how I could improve my mental state. I realized that I explain away too many suggestions from my therapist or ideas I come up with. So this self realization frustrates me. The simple solution is stop explain why something won't work and just try it. The problem with simple solutions is that the "simple" usually refers to the the phrasing and not the implementation.
So I searched for reasons why I can't just try the suggested strategies. I discovered it just came down to hope. I don't believe that I will ever be happy with myself. I don't believe things will change for me emotionally. I don't really have any more hope for emotional improvement then the four times I attempted suicide. The only change that I have made is that now I have made the decision to not let my family go through my suicide. Since my last suicide attempt I decided to try to find ways that I could live my life to mask the way I truly feel. Even though I can create the best mask, I still recognize its just a cover up.
This evening all my energy will go to staying away from the razor, the pills, and the cliff. I will just day dream of what my life could be with out such a f%#@ed up mind. Or maybe I'll day dream about the how it might feel to alleviate myself from the stress of the world. I can listen to some Death cab, dashboard, and rocky. While I listen I can envision my mortal release. Hopefully it'll come soon.

Micheal Moore Thank You

So I just watched Capitalism: A Love Story. It was really good. I was thinking that I wouldn't agree with him as much as I did. Although the documentary may be biased it does pose great questions. What I liked most about the film was that Micheal Moore brings to light that capitalism has flaws. I have believed that for many years. I am tired of people talking as if is a perfect system. History proves that it is not perfect and needs regulating. I get so frustrated when people quickly dismiss me as a socialist or communist because I want to fix the flaws in our economy. We need protection from the rich. Our governments job is to protect us from tyrannical rule, including the cooperate America.

Any way during the documentary I went through many emotions. The best emotion I experienced was joy. I got to re-live Obama winning the election. That was one of the best days of my life. I'm so glad that he is my President and hope one day he will get the respect he deserves. I know that many people do not agree with my political views, but I think that we can agree on a few things. We want everyone to have the ability to pursue happiness.

Adaptation is an Eternal Principle

So I was thinking today about our good friend Darwin and the theory of evolution. Thinking about evolution led me to think about adaptation. There has never been a time in my life where I didn't think that adaptation or evolution exists. To me its a proven theory. Thinking of adaptation lead me to ponder how it pertains to our species. I can see where humans have biologically changed through the course of history on earth, but not sure if I can pinpoint too many in recent years. I can pinpoint many adaptations to our social behaviors. Our social behaviors change rapidly and are becoming more and more global. Everything that we have innovated in the world has some kind of biological convenience. Including the things we later find out are bad for us in the long run... like alcohol, tobacco, fast food, promiscuity, etc.
After thinking about our social evolution I realize that the only way we are able to be so adaptable is because we are highly cognitive. We are highly cognitive because of our divine spiritual nature. Then it made me realize why we are the greatest creature on earth. We are the most adaptable animal on this earth. We can live almost everywhere in the earth's surface. If we can't sustain life there we can visit it. We have created so many choices of lifestyles that every person born can overcome almost every single challenge in life. I've recently learned I have take responsibility for my life no matter who is at fault for my deep depression. Once I take responsibility then I can adapt my lifestyle to trade my deep depression and change it to internal happiness.
Adaptation is the key to any challenge in our life whether its physical, emotional and yes spiritual. Adaptation is the principle that makes our weakness strong. We learn in what ways to change our behaviors to make up for a specific struggle. I think that is how God wants us to live our lives. He wants to realize our strengths and weakness so that we can change our behaviors.
Darwin observed this important principle in such a basic way. But like all the chemistry professors at BYU have stated "if you truly understand the principle there isn't a problem you can solve." I better understand the theory of evolution. Each of us must evolve into something better that is our purpose on this earth. The only way we can evolve into what we want to be is to adapt. Adaptation is the heart of the theory of evolution.

Ha! My friend sent me this...

Not Even Human

There is this new artist that I found. Her name is Angel Taylor. I don't know if any of you heard of her, but she is worth checking out. She has a beautiful voice and is talented. My only complaint is that I wish that she would be more diverse with her subject matter. Only one of her songs are about something other than romantic relationships. Don't let my one criticism deter you from checking her music out.

Any way I wanted to talk about one song that I really like. This song is about a girl who is broken by someone she loved. Even though this song is about a boy mistreating her. The song is called "Not Even Human." I'm listening to this song and my mind wanders to a book that I recently read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You." One of the points Bradshaw (the author) makes is that a person driven by toxic shame often believes he/she is either more than human or less than human. Angel Taylor is obviously thinking of the latter. I not only hear these words I feel their emotion. I could sing this song at points of my life to those who have hurt me. Many experiences have come to mind. Some of the worst experiences where when I was burned by those who I cared the most about, but that is not what I like most about the song.

As I ponder more I realize that I let these hurtful experiences consume me with hatred. Being consumed with hate only brings more hate until it spills into all facets of your life. This song doesn't portray hatred at all the tone of the music is more of disappointment. So further analyzation of the lyrics is appropriate. As I analyze it more I realize that this person, at first appearances, seemed to be a giving soul. Angel Taylor realizes it was all an act. She says that he is "not even human, just a lovely idea of one." That is where the feeling of disappointment comes from. I can relate to that now. My hate is gone but the void is filled with disappointment. Disappointment with those that deceived me and especially with my self.

I could sing this song to myself. So many times I have done things motivated by this toxic shame to hide myself. For so long I have been living a lie. I have deceived myself into believing I was someone I wasn't. Even if the truth is a fault, weakness or natural defect, living the truth makes me human. In being human, life becomes less stressful. If I am less than human I am consumed by guilt and self hatred. If I am more than human I become this eternally hungry ego. If I am human I realize my limitations and accept myself with my faults. That is where I want to be content that I a may make mistakes but willing to work on my faults.

Where Are Those Motha F@#$%!' Lights!

So this new round of therapy has been really about self discovery for me. I read this book called Healing the Shame that Binds You. It was so enlightening for me. I realized that I was governed by what Bradshaw calls toxic shame. Unfortunately I have never gained the inner confidence needed to live a joyful life. Have I felt joy before? Yes. However I have never felt the joy of self. As a child I needed to know that I had worth. I was a victim of my father's criticism and rage. Before you count out my father keep in mind he was also a victim of the same crimes. The criticism and rage convinced me that I was flawed and a burden. I did have a great loving mother, but it must not have been enough. I'm sure most of her energy was spent on creating an environment that kept my father satisfied. I have never doubted her love for me and never can.

The problem is I don't know how I can let go of this toxic shame. This inner shame has been apart of my life ever since I can remember. It is how I have protected me from the emotional pain drives me to self destruction. Sometimes I am grateful and other times resentful for not succeeding. I can intellectualize my worth but I cant feel it. I want to have a that moment of self realization. A realization that I am worthy of success, I am worthy of praise, I am worthy of self love.

All I have now is my iPod to help me meditate on my life and how I can change it for the better. The only answers I receive are ways to get by. So tonight to get by my iPod will be on repeat till I fall into another colorless nightmare. As I listen to Coldplay's song Fix you, I will be able to get by for now and hope that tomorrow I will have the moment I desperately need to survive this hell that is my life.

Mark the Expected vs. Mark the ???

As I am going through this hell that I have been enduring these past 2-3 years, I wonder if I'll ever recover. I question my full recovery because this despair is all inclusive. The deep depression has paralyzed me figuratively and literally. I have learned a lot throughout this process. I've learned ways to cope and push through. Those skills are useful but only heal the symptoms. In order to go back to a sense of normalcy I need to find a solution. Unfortunately a solution is not written out in plain English. God gave his answers in metaphors and generalizations.

Through out this process of healing I have learned a few things. I first realized that I was constantly engaged in a battle with myself. I learned I was dishonest myself. But the most damaging thing that I have learned is... I'm not sure I know who I am. I had created an alternate identity that was everything I thought was expected. I made others interests my own and took control of my environment.

I know all the generic answers to who I am so please refrain from meaningless cliches like "you are a child of God." Even though the cliche statements are often true they lose their effect by overuse.

When I say I don't know who I am, I'm saying I don't know what makes me unique. My looks make me perfectly unique, but my body doesn't define my soul. What are my likes and dislikes. Are my interests only developed to perfect my facade. Who is Mark the son of Donna and brother to 8. I would like to meet him, to know him and let him live.

Thankfully there are some aspects of my true self that I know and love. I know that I love music. Not that poppy crap filled with cheesy one liners and not even the carefully structured hymns (although some apply). The music that lifts me from the abyss is music with emotion. Music that if filled with tonal poetry. Music that uses poetry to tell a story, express an emotion, or bare the soul. I know that for many people music has the same effect, however for me it my only oasis. Nights like this one music is my savior. It brings back feeling to my numb soul. It expresses what I can't. Music even prevents self injury. Music has helped me escape so many dangerous situations including my death. So tonight to keep my heart beating I will let the lyrics rid my mind of thoughts of self destruction.

My First Work of Art... That I'm Proud Of

So this is something that I drew/wrote the other night. It may seem weird but it was very therapeutic for me. I thought it looked cool too. I'm no artist but I hope you can appreciate the art I was trying to make. I made it while I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. These are thoughts I had while I was listening to him. Any way I though someone would enjoy it.

Just Watch Paper Heart...

So I just watched the movie paper love. The movie is a hybrid between a documentary and story. I don't want to say too much about it... but I do think you should all see it. So watch the trailer. Then go rent it or put it on your netflix que. Here is the link.

http://www.paperheart-movie.com/?bcpid=19544619001&bclid=19855821001&bctid=19911092001

Bon Jovi Is Ruining Things... Sorry Misty

So I have looked at tickets to see Dashboard Confessional's new tour. I was a little annoyed to find that they will be opening for Bon Jovi. I can get over that. There is now way in hell that Bon Jovi even comes close to the quality of Dashboard Confessional. So whatever I'll leave or just crowd surf during his performance. The annoying thing is that Bon Jovi is going to bring with him annoying concert goers. The middle aged people who either have not given up on their glory days in the 80's (which i don't mind as much) or the middle aged couples who are trying to be fun by going. I have no objection for these people for wanting to go, but if you are going to save a space on the general floor you will annoy me. There will be pushing and spooning. That is how it is get over it.

The most frustrating thing about Dashboard performing with Bon Jovi is the ticket price. The general admissions tickets are 131 dollars with out the service charges. So if I go I can only be far a way. I am very disappointed. My favorite band is coming but is charging too much for the tickets and is touring with a 80's pop star. I know that my sister Misty may disagree with me. She is from the 80's. She and her husband would be the couple that has sense. I see her recognizing that she wouldn't want to deal with the pushing crowd on the floor. She would purchase tickets where she could be safe in a great seat. Sorry Misty Bon Jovi can be fun... but he never will take priority over Dashboard Confessional.

No One's Got it All

So there is a song by Regina Spektor that has really caught my attention. The song is called Hero. I heard it from the movie 500 days of summer. This movie is seriously so good. You should see it. Any way I'm not sure what the song is about, but by the tone and the few lyrics it seems pretty dreary. It seems to me that she is pointing out that everyone has flaws. The great thing about the lyrics is the questions it provokes.

One of my theories to the meaning of the song is one of our misconception of who the hero is. I think that she is talking about how America is only worried about our happiness. That America's assistance to others is really a vain pursuit. American's need to feel better about there uses of the abundant resources attained. So when she says "I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved." Regina could be referring to the fact that she may not have all the average American has, but she has contentment.

Another thought that this song brings to my attention is about accepting that we have flaws. When I say accept I don't mean to keep our flaws. I am talking about accepting that we have them and its OK. The problem is not facing them and correcting to best of our ability.

I love music it is the best past time for me. I hope someday to share my love of musical poetry with someone. I love to analyze it and feel the emotion of the song.

I Could Use a Turpentine Chaser About Now

I really don't know where I'm going to go with this... but I just know I need to express myself. So what do I feel right now... nothing. My mind has turned on its defense mechanism and blocked all emotion. Because I can't feel anything emotional I want to know I still exist. Which explains why my first thought was "this scalpel would be a perfect," when I was straightening the supply closet in the ER. I knew this was coming I knew my depression would come back. I just thought it would be later in life.

I have lost control. I have resorted back to self destructive behaviors. Its hard to leave the house at times. It just takes so much energy to care about anything. The good news is when I listen to music... good music, I am lifted. The lifting doesn't refer to my spirits, but to my despair from my soul. When a song speaks to me I can let it grab hold of my despair lift it from soul. When my despair is momentarily lifted I can not only see it, I can examine it. The melody grabs hold of the despair I feel and lyrics replace fantasies of death.

Even though I have a great family, I still feel so alone. I know they love me the same way Christ loves me but my psyche won't allow my body to feel it. Its not fair that I can't control who's love I accept. I need the control back and don't know how I lost it. Luckily my psyche will allow my iPod to grab hold of my soul and temporarily lift it from the my deep rooted despair.

A Conversation With Myself.

If my life was a musical the following song would be appropriate. This is the song Water and Bridges by Dashboard Confessional. I broke it down into parts for My Persona and My Soul. Its a conversation between the two in Musical form. I also changed the word girl to myself.

My Affectation: There's things I know I should have mentioned sooner. But I didn't know how. I'm sorry I lost you, I never thought that this could come between us, I know its water and bridges now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around

My Affectation: This weight, these words are tearing me apart
My Soul: And that's enough for the back to break,That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away

My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man

My Affectation: I'll make the best of the best I can, And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance

My Soul: That face, I know exactly what you're thinking

My Affectation: But I'm certain this time is different

My Soul: And that's why I can't pretend that everything is mended

My Affectation: I know I've tried to for too long now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around, This weight, these words are tearing me apart, And that's enough for the back to break, That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man, I'll make the best of the best I can
My Affectation: And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: Oh save me from a grey life. Oh save me from a grey life
My Persona: I paid the price with my soul
My Soul: Oh save me. And that's enough for the back to break
My Affectation: That's enough for a mouth to take. But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man. I'll make the best of the best I can and I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance.

In Case You Were Wondering... These are Names I Like

So I'm at the hospital and its slow. I started thinking about names for my future children. So I will list them.

Boys: Ender, Devin, Adonis, Marley, Emery, Clark, Poseiden

Girls: Amira, Kamila, Nadria, Athena, Hayley, Ira

I know that some of these names maybe out their, but I like uncommon names. I was talking to Misty and Colby about how I feel about names over the Christmas Break. I want my children to define their own name. Many people name their children after someone important to them. Even though I have nothing against it for other families. I've heard people talk about who they were named after their great grandpa or their favorite artist or whatever. Sometimes they talk about trying live up to that name. I just want their name to help represent their individuality. Also I hate middle names. There is not reason for them as far as I'm concerned. So their is a piece of my mind.