My Heart Was Racing, My Mind Was Screaming... I Just Lost It.

I just got back from church. I don't understand why church puts me in a worse mood than I was in previously. This fact makes it difficult for me to continue to go every sunday. Its weird that my testimony remains strong regardless. Any way this sunday was worse than normal. It started out like it does every sunday. When it came time for my favorite part, the sacrament. I bowed my head listened to the prayer. After the prayer I began my prayer. The first thing I said was said without thinking. I said to God "please just kill me."

I kept trying to direct my prayer in a different direction, but it kept coming back to that. I know that is what I have desired for a long time now, but know its not an option or an answer. However it just upsets me that after all this effort I am still desire the same thing. I have been working hard to know what my path to happiness is. I pray for direction, as well as use logic to understand.

So after an emotional sacrament service I decided to go for a drive. While I was driving my frustration developed into anger. I had a conversation in my head with my bishop about my frustrations. I was asking him what do I do? I don't know? Why is it that after all the work I have put into being happy am I requesting death. Why do I still hate my self? Why does my patriarchal blessing tell m that my mind and body is sound? Does this mean that me being gay is not an illness? Does it mean its in my head? Why does it say I'll get married to "a woman of my choice?" Does this mean I am supposed to marry someone even though I am not attracted? Are those just general statements? Why is the only direction I feel I have had tell me to go against the Prophet? Why isn't the Prophet offering answer for us gays and lesbians? If members of the church are supposed to be compassionate towards people in my situation why are so many uncompassionate? Why must we suffer in silence? These are only some of the questions I blurted out in my imaginary conversation with my Bishop.

So I decided to go back to church and ask some of those questions in real life. I got there in time for priesthood. My plan was to talk to the Bishop after church. I hung around for priesthood. Guess what the lesson was on eternal families. Way to kick me when I'm down. So I do what I always do convince my self there must be something that I need to learn from this lesson. I listened attentively and payed attention to my feelings. The lesson only made me more frustrated and upset. There was talk of being damned if you don't get married in the temple, that the reason we are here on earth is to have a family and homosexuality is attacking the family.

I decided not to talk to the bishop mostly because I am not currently in the state of mind to objectively meditate his words. So I came home to blog. So here I am lying in my bed typing away. So I think I'll just let my fingers spell out my thoughts.

Many have told me or talk about homosexuality as a weakness, but a weakness is something that is overcome or turned into a strength. So if homosexuality is a weakness then heterosexuality must be a strength. How do I turn myself into a heterosexual... prayer, fasting, living righteously? I can check that off and continue to. I know that Christ can heal all things. So if this is a weakness how is it to be overcome? Am I to be damned until this life is over. Am I destined to a life of watching other people live my righteous dream? Am I to continue going to church while some judge me for not getting married? Where is my place in the church if I am unable to participate in a fundamental principle of this church?

Even if I come to peace with my homosexuality and the church. Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I look in the mirror and see a man who is fat and weak. I hate my birthday. My birthday is a reminder that I have not accomplished anything. The worst part of my birthday is all the attention. The praise and love make me so uncomfortable. Why? Because I just don't deserve it. Then if I do convince my self that I deserve it I leaves me with a strong obligation to accomplish something to really deserve the kindness. Then the next birthday comes around and I am bowing my head praying in sacrament meeting for death.