Through out this process of healing I have learned a few things. I first realized that I was constantly engaged in a battle with myself. I learned I was dishonest myself. But the most damaging thing that I have learned is... I'm not sure I know who I am. I had created an alternate identity that was everything I thought was expected. I made others interests my own and took control of my environment.
I know all the generic answers to who I am so please refrain from meaningless cliches like "you are a child of God." Even though the cliche statements are often true they lose their effect by overuse.
When I say I don't know who I am, I'm saying I don't know what makes me unique. My looks make me perfectly unique, but my body doesn't define my soul. What are my likes and dislikes. Are my interests only developed to perfect my facade. Who is Mark the son of Donna and brother to 8. I would like to meet him, to know him and let him live.
Thankfully there are some aspects of my true self that I know and love. I know that I love music. Not that poppy crap filled with cheesy one liners and not even the carefully structured hymns (although some apply). The music that lifts me from the abyss is music with emotion. Music that if filled with tonal poetry. Music that uses poetry to tell a story, express an emotion, or bare the soul. I know that for many people music has the same effect, however for me it my only oasis. Nights like this one music is my savior. It brings back feeling to my numb soul. It expresses what I can't. Music even prevents self injury. Music has helped me escape so many dangerous situations including my death. So tonight to keep my heart beating I will let the lyrics rid my mind of thoughts of self destruction.