How Embarrassing for Me!

So I watched a frontline episode that my sister emailed me. My response: WOW! I can't believe that I followed the republic party for all those years so blindly. I am so embarrassed. It seems to me that republicans want less taxes but don't want to give up the benefits like social security, medicare and Medicaid. That does not make any sense. Even the beloved Ronald Regan realized that we could not cut taxes. Bush senior realized that we couldn't cut taxes even after his famous phrase "Read my lips no new taxes." Bush senior realized he had to do raise the taxes because of the huge deficit. Bill Clinton put America on track for redemption we started to have surplus again. It looked as though we were going to continue to have that surplus for years. Then our old friend George W. Bush cut taxes for mostly the wealthy and we started to borrow more money once again. Things got more compounded with the war. The cost of the war was too much with these new tax policies. Bush resisted the warnings to abandon these tax cuts. Then the economy started to fall fast to where we are now.
WOW! Was the only reaction I have. I just like most of the religious population was discussed with Bill Clinton's immoral behavior. I like so many was blinded by the great things he did help this country in the long run. I am so embarrassed with my self for thinking so horribly about Bill Clinton. I may not agree with his adultery, but the more I learn about his political agenda the more I realize he is one of the best presidents in my lifetime.
So if any of your are asking about my most embarrassing moment there it is. I was band wagon Republican who raising taxes were the worst thing ever, who thought to much about now and not enough about the future. Like my sister said to a me about a scantily clad cut out of Paris Hilton "Oh my goodness, how embarrassing."

I Can't take these Slogans No More -Bob Marley

So I watched the next to last episode of the real world last night. Judge me if you want but I love this show. This season is much more positive than others and people are much more mature too. So a lot of the focus was on Ryan going back to Iraq. Well it was touching to me because I saw his pain. It makes me more frustrated with the war because he has to fight a war he doesn't believe in. It was annoying that Chet kept telling him "I'm glad you are fighting to make me free." I don't believe the war is to help protect our freedom although it may have started for that reason.

I do think Ryan is a hero though. Not because he fighting to protect our freedoms. I think he is a hero because he made a commitment and he honoring it even though he is participating in something he doesn't believe in. Not only does he do it but he puts all of himself into it. I really respect that. Ryan is an inspiring man and deserves the recognition.

This episode was also touching to me because I spent the afternoon with a friend who is being deployed soon to Iraq. It just sucks because the only thing she seemed be excited was that it was going to be her last. Its sad that she has to go because I don't think that so many soldiers should have to go again and again.

They have been fighting since Jesus. How do we think that we are helping when those fighting don't seem to want us there. I think we should just continue to provide humanitarian aid and not soldiers.

My Hills Episode

So its been way to damn long since I have blogged. I wasn't going to tonight but I was really tired. So why the hell not I have a lot to say tonight. So first I'll update you a bit. So my brother came to visit! Yay! I loved it. The funny thing is we really didn't do that much we just hung out, but I hung out with my brother. I don't really need to do much else. We did go country dancing and snow shoeing though and it was a blast and an adventure at the same time. It was so sad to see him go.

I felt my self getting sick just before he left. It wasn't a OMG I have to throw up sick it was a I think I am getting a fever:(. So I was sick all weekend and still am a little sick. I think I have a minor respiratory infection. The symptoms are there. As the day went on I started to feel a lot better and could breathe much better as well. However my fever did get up to 102.5 degrees.

It was awful being sick! I think that this stupid virus/infection is taking longer for me to get over because of the emotional damage that I have endured. First my brother left. Although it was hard to see my brother go I know we'll be together again soon. The real kick in the ass was loosing a friend. I moved in with a good friend of mine to my penthouse suite in Lanai. It drastically turned for the worst. No we are just roommates trying to get through the time we have to live together. I got know Bryce in his true state. I thought I really got to know him especially because of situations we have been in, but I think that was only one very small fraction. That small fraction helped me to relate to him a lot. He seemed to be a guy that was just wanting to be loved and cared about.

Well since moving in with him this school year I have been exposed to Bryce a lot more. I started to question Bryce by some of the comments he would make. My questioning started before we even moved in together, but I just brushed them aside. When we moved in together I started to notice inconsistencies in his stories and actions. Then he told me some hurtful things. We worked it out a month or two later. We decided that it was just miscommunication. So I went back to proactively being his friend again, but he didn't. Then I realized he was never really proactive with being my friend he was just more like someone who just hung out with me so he wouldn't be lonely. I began to question him more and more. I started to realize that maybe Bryce was only my friend because it was easy him. I was inviting him over to do stuff all the time and spotting him left and right. I was certainly befriending him but he didn't seem to do the same for me.

Our friendship was slaughtered after many attempts I made for us to understand each other. It just turned into me trying to communicate why I was feeling the way I did and him accusing me of starting a fault war. After me loosing my cool and putting most of my belongings in my room or locking them up so he (nor my other two roommates) could use my things we decided to just have a civil relationship.

One theory I have that may have caused the end of our friendship is he can't seem to recognize that many people are trying and have been trying to be his friend but he isn't being their friend. I tried really hard. Even when things got ugly I swallowed my pride and tried hard to befriend him. He recognizes the gestures but fails to return gestures. He tells me that he is bad at being the one to extend invitations and so forth, but he can't use that as an excuse. Ultimately just do it, you can't expect to be a doctor or dentist or chemist with out putting in the work. Relationships can't survive if they are one sided. It seems to me that Bryce is blinded to the opportunities he has to have good, close friends.

That is what I think was what killed our relationship. I was tired of being the one who was serving him, extending invitations, and engaging conversation. He wasn't the best at engaging conversation but still not good at it. He would often try to talk to me during my favorite TV shows like 24 and Scrubs. I hate that especially in 24. Along with me doing the work in the relationship his stories seemed to become more and more inconsistent. I started feel more like his maid then his roommate and lets not forget him telling me that I was demanding because I like a clean home and did the work to keep it that way.

I wish it didn't happen this way but it did and its his loss. I know that I am not perfect and I certainly brought errors to our friendship but ultimately I worked at it and he didn't. I can't force him to work through the difficult situations that we encountered, the difficult situations that all relationships eventually encounter.

Old Friendship

So today may have started really horrible. I woke up so upset after bad dreams and going to bed upset. I ended the day great. Lane came over and hung out with me. It was so nice. I'm sure that he was kinda board listening to me. It was nice to have a friend again. My contact with people is usually because of school, work or church. I don't think he knows how much it meant to me for him to just hang out with me. I miss friendship of others. I have been doing everything by myself lately so its nice to do it with a friend. Its like JD said "People aren't meant to be a lone."

Wow! Did I really just Blog about nothing?

So what should I blog about today. I think I'll write about what I did today. I didn't do too much unfortunately. I spent most of my time getting my apartment back to a healthy enviornment. I went to class and it was so hard to stay awake but I knew I just had to go. My religion class was cancelled that was the best blessing of the day. Then my study partner cancelled that was great too. Why? It is not because I don't like to study with her or anything like that. I was so tired and not meeting up with her allowed me to take a really long needed nap. So I took my nap and it was great. I didn't get the recycling to the plant but its in my car. Wow this is boring. Something a little more exciting is that I went grocery shopping and fit 115 dollars worth of grocerys in three of those reusable bags. You might be thinking that just made some expensive purchases and I did make a few (like the meat and new pantine shampoo and conditioner). The thing is the meat and hair products were only 30 dollars of the bill. There was a really good deal on chicken 1.69 a pound so I got like three things of packaged chicken.

I did watch 24 and it was great. Unfortunately I was cooking at the same time. I was so behind schedule today. So I wasn't able to intently watch but I know it was good. Jack saved the presidents life and many others once again. He is again been framed for a murder and is on the run to try to find the people behind it. The sad news from 24 is that one of the best characters martyred himself to save the people being held hostage in the white house. This character will always be numbered one of the greats. His name was Bill... Bill Buchanan. I loved Bill. I will miss him on the show.

Well Sorry this was so long and boring. I'm really tired I think I am going to go to bed. I need some sleep.

5 year old vs. 23 year old

So I went to vegas this weekend and came home to a mess. It's frustrating because my roommate(s) seem to be incapable of taking care of things. Why do I have to be the one cleans the apartment. Why am I the one to always clean the bathroom. Why is it that my nephews and neices are cleaner than my roommate(s). Its sad when a five year old does a better job of cleaning up after himself than a 23 year old. I could be just too tired to think rationally, but I don't care. Stop being so irresponsible and clean up after yourself.

Don't give me that fake S***!

So I am watching the real world. Judge me if you want I don't care I love this show. So in this episode its about one of my issues of living with other people. Can you guess it... cleanliness. Well in this situation its the guys who are the clean ones not the girls. So there is one girl, Sarah who is so fake! I feel bad for her because I think she is a nice person who is really trying to a good person. However I think she is very insecure so she changes her story all time. Its all good in the beginning but eventually people start to see the contradictions. In this episode they start to see through the her fakeness. I have a room mate just like that. He contradicts himself all the time. Its really frustrating. I think he does just to be liked but if he was just himself people would like him. He needs to stop lying and just be confident in his background and personality. I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.

My Deligent Nerves

Nerve endings oh nerve endings.
I know what you are up to.
Shooting electrical signals from my shoulder
I try to bring you to a halt by freezing you with an ice pack
I try to stop you by blocking the acetylcholine
that triggers the current
which flows up to my right hemisphere
But you don't grant my wishes
Why nerve endings
do you torment me with your signals
Shouting and shouting
Its OK I understand your message
I understand you my nerve endings
There is no need to shout anymore.

A poem inspired by this annoying pain in my left shoulder and Stewie Griffin.

Obama's Talks about the Budget!

So I really liked this weeks presidential address. I loved that President Obama recognized the shift our country has made these past year. The rich started to gain too much power. America is about providing an equal environment for everyone to prosper. I also loved how President Obama called out the insurance companies, the banks, the oil companies, etc. We have the right president for the job!

Maybe Someone Should Take My Belt and Shoelaces Away

So I should be sleeping right now I am so tired but my mind just started going again. So I decided to blog. Tonight isn't one of my good nights. It wasn't a horrible day, I just was seemed to be depressed and lonely. I think the loneliness got me depressed. I think that the loneliness came because I was searching for housing in the fall. I want to live with my friend Lane, but find it hard to give up what I have here. I think of sharing a room with another person and it stresses me out. Then I think of moving all my stuff it stresses me out more. I really want to live with a friend but I don't know if I can handle living in the ghetto again. Living here in this nice place has really helped me feel better because the condo feels more like a home. I think that living in a really crappy apartment would be fine if I was married. Coming home to a family would make it home, it wouldn't matter what the place looked like.

I don't really have anyone to blame but myself for my loneliness. I have become a hermit. I try to get out there and be social but its just too much energy for me. I have really tried to make friends but I know that I come off as very friendly these days. I am just so shy and insecure. I have reverted back to the days when I was in middle school. I have become more accepting of my lack of social life, but its not easy to live like this. Times like this I just want to bleed out the pain.

It pains me to think of who I once was. I was outgoing, skinny, active and dated. Now I can barely keep a conversation going with my current friends let a lone new people. I try to find refuge in something. I invite my friends that I do over but most of them are married and they don't have the time hang out with me. Then those that aren't married usually want to go do something somewhere else. I become uncomfortable so quickly when I am out of my house.

These are times where I wish I didn't know any better and I could just experience some euphoria again, even if was falsely induced. The closest thing I have is music. I listen and pretty much 24/7, but sometimes it just isn't enough.

So this is going to be hard to read so if you don't want to go on don't. This is why I blog so I can express myself not matter how disturbing, vulgar, or wrong. That was your disclaimer.

I just think of how great it would feel to watch my veins empty and realize it was almost over. Or I think of breathing in the carbon monoxide and realizing its preventing my organs from receiving oxygen and I would wake up in new world. The stress of living in this world would be over. I can't say for sure that the hurt and pain will all be gone but I would be that much closer to being happy.

I realize I can't do that to my family and especially my mom. She has done so much for me, I have to keep myself alive for her. So then I want to at least cause some sort of physical pain so that I could be distracted from the mental and emotional pain. Or a few shots so I could black out and not remember a part of my life. Maybe a shot in my arm to to send me to a place that doesn't exist.

I'm not looking for people to tell me "don't do it" "its not worth it" or "it won't help." I'm not looking for sympathy or someone to tell my that they love me. I'm not looking for someone to console me. I'm looking to be heard. I just want to be heard. I just have a hard time talking to people about my true feelings. I never really did that most of my life. Its easier because I'm not sitting face to face or on the phone or something like that. That is why I started this blog. I want people to know that I am in pain.