Sunday, July 31, 2011

Heart is Sturdy and Need You to Survive

I just finished a 10 day juice fast. What this means I only had fruit and vegetable juice for 10 days. I made an exception, I had an avocado or two a day. Many questions maybe entering your mind at the moment like, why the hell would a person do that? This fast was inspired by a documentary called Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead.

The documentary is about a guy who is sick, fat and near death... in case you didn't gather that from the tittle. This man decided to do a juice fast for 60 days. He figured since he feed his body crap he had to infuse it with nutrients. The best form of nutrients the body can get are fruits and vegetables. However to get the insane amount of nutrients his body needed he needed to drink it concentrated. Juicing makes it possible to have tons of nutrients without having to eat 24/7. His health transformed.

I began to think that I could benefit from this fast. It would cleanse my body with the bodys form of soap, antioxidants. This could have great consequences. What I'm hoping for is more energy, better digestion, lower allergy symptoms and of course weight loss.

So I made some videos of my experience but blogspot seemed to struggle uploading them. Now that I have eaten a significant amount of protein I can talk about my experience. So the first 6 days were easy and awesome. I was dropping weight so fast and getting visibly skinnier. I wasn't able to workout as hard as I could while eating properly, however, I wasn't hungry. I was craving meat everyday though. I could smell a barbecue miles away.

Day 7 is where it got difficult. I was completely drained of energy. I started eating two avocados to help. The weight came off slower but it still came off. I was working slow and was constantly napping on the drives between jobs. Day 8 was even worse. Day 9 I didn't think I could make it. Day 10 was compounded with frustrating things happening. I even went to a dinner party that I didn't eat a single morsel of food.

Today I ate about 8 eggs and 2 tortillas, a bunch of spinach and a cup of salsa. I went a little over board on the food I know. I feel so full of life now. The life didn't come from the food but the accomplishment. Many of you who know me know that I really struggle when not eating. Although I didn't feel hungry all the time my body thought I was so my mood behaved accordingly.

During the fast I thought a lot about people who "fast" or rather starve involuntarily. I realized how much their lives must suck. Many work very hard for very little sustenance. I work hard, don't get me wrong, but I also have many comforts and enough resources to get to 270 pounds. The best part is the feeling of accomplishment I have. This was one of the hardest things I have done. I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am stronger than I think. I learned that I do have some amount of self discipline. I learned that I could go with out comfort food. The best part was that I was feeling more in control with my being.

I plan on doing this quarterly to help maintain good nutrition. I recommend this to everyone. It has great potential for great things. Watch the documentary to see how it helped others. Ask me questions to see how it can help you. Those of you who say I don't want to loos weight... I say its much more than weight loss. You will loose fat any way not a significant amount of muscle mass. I'm glad I did it and I think you'd be too.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

You Don't know the Things I've Learned

So this is part of an email I sent to my parents today... I thought it would help better explain what I am thinking abou the whole gay issue.

I'm glad you are reading this book. I think it has/will help you guys understand where I'm coming from. You are right about going back to the basics. That's what I've been doing. I have learned a lot about my self and God through this. My eyes have been open to a more practical and realistic. I have learned that my salvation is 100% percent between me, God, and the Savior. I have learned to separate my salvation from the church too. Although I believe that this is God's church, I do not believe it's the only way to gain salvation. I have learned to realize the ideal LDS path my not me the ideal path for me. I have learned to separate my the Gospel and the Church. I have also learned that judgement can only be made with proper understanding. As mortals with limited experience we are not to judge.

For me it ll comes down to how I learn to love. I have spent too long trying to be the perfect son, brother, older brother and the list goes on. In my mind I thought ( and still do at times) think I have to be the complete opposite of who I am. What I need to be focused on is being who I am. I may not know everything about who I am but I do know a lot. I can use being my self to increase my capacity to love. But as cliche and lane as it sounds I have to love my self to increase my capacity to love.

I can not know the future or make an accurate prediction. I know that I am gay and I know that it conflicts with the church in a big way at the time being. I believe prejudice and lack of understanding will keep many LDS men and women stay in the closet. As of right now I am active in the church and want to be. However I decided that Sunday school and priesthood do more harm than good. So I only go to sacrament. Going to the temple is the same way.

As much as I wish to I could just pray and have faith that I will become straight, I know it's not God's will. That may change but it is hard for me to see that.

I am learning to not only to accept myself but love myself. I have noticed a large increase these past couple weeks. I am thankful for that because I have made some hard choices that don't seem to be what the church would suggest. I stopped going to Sunday school and priesthood. I have started talking more with other gay guys out here and opening the possibility of dating them.

I realize this is most likely difficult for you to accept and understand. I wish I could give 5 minutes of the pain I have been experiencing and the joy I have been feeling as I have been making these choices. Obviously I can't, but please just trust me.

You and Mom have roughy me good things. From Mom I have learned compassion and being aware of others. From you I have learned the value of work and responsibility.

I have a string testimony of the Savior and his atonement. I know trusting me will be difficult because it may lead me to marry another man. That will make me leave the Church. So please just know that I am taking my life seriously, I'm not going through a phase, and my testimony of and relationship with the Savior will guide me.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Closer I am to Fine

This week has been seriously long. I think what made it feel long is that a lot has happend. There was the 4th, a day with the Kitchens and Wrights, and some new experiences. I started the week great with my sister on the 4th. No need to go into detail due the the previous blog. Then wednesday I babysat the Wrights while Misty and Colby were being convinced to come here to teach at BYU. Later in the morning the Kitchens joined in on the fun. It was crazy! There were 10 kids in my apartment, luckily two of them were pretty old enough to behave more like adults. Any way that day wore me out. Although the visit with the Wrights and Kitchens was more like a tornado of events it was so fun.

Other highlights that seemed to be more significant to my progression out of this hell involved the internet and chat with a friend who definitely is in the best friend category. These things have brought enlightenment and more understanding of self. But I will warn you before hand you may not like what you read.

First the internet. After talking with other gay guys out here I came to the conclusion if I want to meet other guys to date or just be friends with I had to look toward the internet. So I joined one of the many gay online communities. I am very weary of the internet being a way of search for dates and friends but I have been giving it a go. I have talked to some interesting people. I received a message from a guy who happens to be here in Lanai too, so that was nice. I now have someone to sit with at church that I knows I'm gay and understands the conflict. I have chatted it up with other guys too. I still haven't initiated any conversations with anyone, but I will... eventually. These sites have opened up more possibilities for me. I hope to be able to date more. But the most important think I have learned from starting this internet dating thing is that I am definitely gay.

Ashley and I hang out regularly and I love it. This saturday we went out to eat and wondered the mall. The best part of the evening was our talk on the sun deck of Lanai. That talk even beat the run in we had with a mannequin that had some pretty prominent nipples. We talked about many things. We talked about what it would be like when I get married to a guy. What the wedding would be like, how people would respond, and if we would have a couples dance (probably not). The most significant think we talked about was love and understanding.

The older I get the more I realize I just don't understand much. Its my lack of understanding the handicaps my judgements. Poor judgements can be detrimental. Judging others is just as criminal . We need to learn how to love and understand other. The two can't really seem to be separated, a lack of understanding inhibits love and vice versa. However we can love someone just enough to gain understanding and then we love them more. As we love them more we learn more about them and we understand more. So the two seem to work together. As we try to understand others we often grow to love them. However it seems to be best to love first and then understanding seems to come.

In contrast as we judge other we start to dislike others. As much as I think I know so much and have learned so much, I realize I can never understand another person perfectly. I am incapable of that but I can get closer to understanding another. That understanding can not grow with out love. If judgements precede understanding mistakes are often made and that person becomes nature definitive.

I am definitive by nature. I like to know an equation or procedure for every desired out come. However, life's answers are not universal or constant. If you look at the nature of God, he has never exclusively given universal or constant direction in any period of time in the world. There are some few constant principles but the practice of them is so circumstantial. If you look at the evolution of the church just in this dispensation you can see changes in council from the brethren. If you look through the scriptures to see the commandments change as well. Change in policy or commandments does not mean that an organization if following the ways of the world. I believe those changes come from us earthlings being able to make better decisions. The people on the world as a whole have grown and continue to grow in understanding. As our understanding grows so can our love. Likewise as our understanding grows we are better able to make better choices.

The line from an Indigo Girls song has new meaning to me. "the less I think my source to something definitive the closer I am to fine." It hit me while listening to that song is that I have been limiting my self for years. I don't allow myself to change and struggle to let others change. So I will try to work hard to keep out of such a small definitive box and open up my possibilities. But of coarse I'll take God for the ride to direct me.

Monday, July 4, 2011

There is a Light and It Never Goes Out

So I thought it'd be a nice change to talk about some positive things for once. Today my sister Misty ran the Freedom Run with me. The freedom run is one of my favorite races. I was so excited to have someone to run it with. The first time I ran a race it was with my friend Jeff. I have run many since then, but mostly alone. Although I didn't actually run with them during the race I enjoy talking about it at the finish line with a fellow competitor. The bonus was that it was my sister!

Needless to say the best part was I got to spend time with my sister. After the race we came back to my apartment had a good chat over smoothies. Misty is one of my biggest supporters in helping me with coming out and pursuing a relationship with other guys. She has taken charge and is helping those in my family who struggle with my new venture. Its good that they are not only hearing it from me but also from her. Misty is the leader of the family whether she tries to be or not... she is the oldest after all.

As we talked it helped me feel more comfortable about my decisions. It may be shocking to some but I feel the spirit when I talk to her about my future with someone. I have always been comforted by her advice. I am glad that she can lift my spirits. Even better she doesn't have the monopoly on helping me feel better.

I have been so blessed that God has prepared my friends and family. I tried to my part by dropping hints and stuff. However I know that God soften their hearts and people have been for the most part compassionate. So to all of you who are accepting of me regardless of my sexuality and your opinions of my choices... Thank you. It's nice to know that you care.

Thank you Misty for spending time with your at times burdensome depressed little brother. I really value our relationship.