Sunday, October 23, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Its late and I should be sleeping, but I really wanted to write this while my emotions were raw to promote more honesty. I just finished the TV show Parenthood, one of my favorites. When I watch it I like to watch it alone, or with someone I trust. That's kind of a weird requirement of mine, but I have good reasons. Parenthood is a drama about a family and the interactions as life happens. I get emotional just about every episode.
My emotional intensity varies depending on my company. When I am around people I only know on a superficial level my emotionality is held back. When I am alone I feel safe, thats when the most intense emotion is expressed. For example, tonight I was teary eyed most of the episode. The tears came for different reasons, out of pain, envy, sadness, and even pride. I'll even cry at the Office or Parks and Recreation. The genre I am currently viewing isn't as much as factor in determining my emotionality as one would guess. Content and company play much bigger role.
When the content is focused on families, compassion, emotional intimacy, and/or emotional pain I become emotional. However company plays a bigger role. Society has really conditioned me to hid the sensitive side of me. Since I'm gay the stereotype suggests that I should be more emotional. Its a good thing I am not a stereotype.
I like to watch shows that get me emotional by myself because its a form of coping. I allow my self to relate to the characters, feel their emotion. In feeling their emotion I consequently feel mine. Since I am such an introverted person when it comes to negative emotion, I need an outlet to feel. TV shows like Parenthood is another cathartic experience other than music.
I say adieu, the gabapentin has set in. It supposed to help with pain as well. Its too bad that it doesn't help with the frontal lobe pain that is way too frequent. I hope I will be capable of having a relationship with a guy that I can star in my own version of parenthood.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Today is national coming out day. I thought about coming out on Facebook. Then I realized that the reason I don't use the phrase "I'm gay," or any other combination of words that define my sexuality, in my introduction is I want my sexual orientation be a part of my identity, not the defining factor. Coming out experiences often lead to using sexual orientation as the dominate identifier when pointing out or describing an individual.
I don't want to hide my sexuality, even though I do sometimes. I hide it because of worry. I worry that my relationships with others will change in an undesirable way. I worry about the thoughts that go through people's head when they find out. I worry about people trying to "help" by telling me about some article about homosexuality from the brethren. My pronouncement is a quote from a personal archived mental newspaper, not the latest headline. My worry of being kicked out of school or my apartment may seem irrational. In fact all of my worries may seem irrational. The truth is they come from learning about other's experiences or previous personal ones. So my worries have validity.
I want to be defined by my interets, likes and dislikes, abilities (even though they are few), personality, and any other aspect of my life. * Warning the next few sentences will be cliche, I'm sure you've heard it before.* If I were straight I wouldn't be defined by my sexuality, but since I'm gay some use it as the identifier. I have said it before, I want to be known as Mark May, not the gay guy in the ward (or whatever group I am associated with). I am not a stereotype and don't want to be treated as one. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. I don't like Glee, Lady Gaga, or project runway. I do not like Halloween as stated in a recent Facebook post. However, I have been described as domestic. I dress some of my sisters and am often the source of fashion advice. One of my favorite movie categories is "Drama." So I do fit some of the stereotypes, but not all.
I realize that the existence of this post contradicts the message. I have pronounced my sexuality in the post and dedicated precious minutes of sleep to discuss it. The sacrifice of sleep speaks volumes. However talking about being gay is what makes it into a non issue. The familiarity of something tends to conjure up apathetic sentiments. So I will post this and once again say, I prefer kissing dudes, therefore, I'm gay.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Lately I've been doing this behavioral reward system to help me get through this final semester. I feel stupid for having to resort to this method, but if it gets me out of BYU then I'll do it. So far it has helped me be productive. I'm glad that I am being productive, but at the end of the day I feel dispair. When I use the phrase "at the end of the day" I don't mean it literally. I mean that regardless of my productivity I still am depressed, sad, and left with the question in my head "what's the point?"
I feel like I am in cycle that I will not be able to break from. In this cycle I push myself out of my comfort zone, I manipulate my mind in whatever way necessary to be functional. It lasts for a time, then somehow I am dragged back into world that where my OQ score* is the only thing that has a positive. My hope for fixing this problem is not there. My sister is putting so much time and energy to help ensure my success.
My drive for fixing my will to live is fueled by guilt and obligation. Currently the source of my guilt is lack of happiness, that is paid for by my work and others as well, but is not recieved. I am working hard to achieve at least a sense of apathy, but am only achieving a day of productivity. When people look at it on my google calendar it is easy to imagine a character who is going places. The reality is that behind the schedule, complete with hours of study and 2 hours of an endorphin overdose,* there is a only a person who doesn't see the point of working this damn hard to go to bed with a personal death wish.
For now I start my day with masking the pain with manipulation. I collect the energy from the guilt, obligation and external sources. Finally expend the energy through out the day after each itemized task is fulfilled on my schedule. I get through it. I try the same pattern the next day. This pattern takes an initial internal hope that this "push" is worth it. That hope is being expended, I'm struggling to trust my sister and others that it will get better.
Now is the time where I make a reference to a song, that in my fucked up mind is the current representation of what I feel. Although this song is not a perfect match, it does resonate. I am on a landslide, getting older, resisting change in relationships, I have turned around and built my life around you*. For now I will do my best to make those people, who are graciously loaning me their energy, proud.
OQ: a test I take before a therapy session that attempts to asses my emotional state since the last session.
Endorphin Overdose: My exercise program
You: the LDS church