Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Crave the Touch, Feel the Pain, Know the Signs

I had a productive discussion this afternoon.  I want to say that because of it my cliche happy ever after is beginning.  This may be the case, but not likely.  I am likely to suffer this pain again.  Is that ok, I don't know.  I would prefer it not be the case (my therapist would like that statement).  I knew I would always still get sad, angry, bitter, all the emotions no one prefers to experience.  However, the debilitating pain behind those emotions never felt like it would go away and thus those emotions would require energy that I don't have.  

Before I crashed a few years back, I lived my life with a facade.  I hid my pain and sadness from every soul.  I wasn't always good at it, but by the end of my sophomore year I became an expert.  Then after my first suicide attempt I started to open up and let people about hear about my pain.  As I peeled away the facade the pain became increasingly unbearable.  I pushed to the other extreme where I was not able to hide my pain. I learned in my discussion that these painful feelings are meant to fluid as with all feelings.  At this point I am holding on to them.  These feelings need to be recognized but not kept. 

Its like a giant tub I'm sitting in where the water is constantly running with the faucet out of my reach.  I have no control of the flow, the intensity or rate.  I can try to deflect it but the effort is not practical.  This water collects until it consumes me.  I have two choices.  I can let it consume me and share the same fate as Whiney Huston or I can take the plug out.  I chose to take the plug out but the water is draining at such a slow rate, but just enough to keep me alive.  While it is still draining the energy it takes to keep myself from drowning may be more than I can handle.  That's where I am, anxiously wading.  I don't understand why this water just won't leave faster.  At times it feel like it isn't draining at all.  Then I learn that there is some obstruction in the pipes preventing proper flow.  Because the water is stagnant I am stewing in my own filth and desperately want out.  I need the water to continue to flow.  I have options I can continue wading, be patient and hope I have what it takes to see it through or I can try to fix it.  I've been trying to fix it but so far its only improved in minor ways.  I need to find the right way to unclog this drain so the water can flow.  

In this analogy the water is my pain.  I ignored the fact the pain was collecting a failed to do something about it.  When I was no longer able to ignore it, I opened a dialogue.  However there was something out of my control, but I may have been the cause of the obstruction.  Removing the obstruction is pertinent to my success in this battle.   I need to allow the pain come, acknowledge it, and let it pass.  Those are the skills that I need to develop.  Holding on to the pain has led me to make decisions that were not productive in regards to the goals I have set for my life.  Those poor choices are the filth I have sit in and it take time the consequences to pass. 

Now the work begins.  I am unsure exactly the work involved but I am willing and ready.  Thankfully I feel like I have an example of someone who is in the place where fluidity of emotions exist.  It gives me hope that I can be in the same place.  Part of what made the future so daunting is the knowledge that I was going experience these same emotions over and over with the possibility of eventually drowning in the pain.  Consequently committing suicide to attempt to end it hurt. The work I have put into this recovery would been in vain.  There would always be something incredibly disparaging.  However allowing myself to experience the bad emotion without holding on to it allows me to experience the good emotion properly.  I can experience my life rather than trying to use a series of destinations to experience happiness.  I understand what it looks like when people say not to let your circumstances dictate your life.  

Title: Dashboard Confessional-The Shade of Poison Trees 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

You Set Up Your Place in My Thoughts, Moved in and Made My Thinking Crowded.

Tonight I'm a little depressed, but not the debilitating kind I'm used to.  Last week was pretty shitty.  I was filmed while suicidal.  Scary, not only did was it one of the most vulnerable situations in my life, it is likely going to be seen many.  I express some things that I have only said out loud three times in my life.  The first time was during that intense panic attack in group, the second speaking with my sister.  I'm afraid of the reaction of a particular few who witness it.

When I share words that express my true emotion to other people, the emotions become much more real.  When I just tell myself these things I can reason the emotion away or simply ignore it.  The following days became increasingly painful and unbearable.  I had fight with the person who has been my biggest support.  It wasn't an argument, but we were frustrated with each other.  I stonewalled for a few days.  I felt so alone, I moved up my "due" date to March 1.

Then there was the Provo Peace Forum.  When I saw how dedicated Dr. Bradshaw was to his son, I cried. I wish I could feel that from my father.  Dr. Bradshaw is dedicating an enormous amount of energy to educate, research, bring understanding to others who don't understand me and my fellow homosexuals.  I just don't understand why I don't get to be the receiver of that love from a father.

Because I feel so much like a fuck up, I am terrified of loosing my family.  I feel some of them slipping away just because of the gay thing.  I have been trying to make up for being gay, but feel like I am failing at it.  The pressure to perform is increasing and my ultimate failure becoming evident.

I needed a distraction, Hulu wasn't working.  Exercise wasn't enough.  I knew of two ways that would help.  This first being drinking, but that would mean breaking the most important rule.  The risk of severe complications would not be worth it.  So that left me with eating.  I gorged myself, I ate until I was sick.  Once I didn't feel sick I would eat more.

Things started to turn around after visiting with a good friend.  She gave me a lot to think about.  She said things I need to hear.  I've been told the exact things she said, but this time I think I was ready for it.  Due to listening to a Mormon Stories podcast, a million questions came to mind while listening.  A letter from sister that was a bit harsh but full of love added to the flood of counsel and philosophies.

The combination of the pain, disappointment, binge eating, fighting, expressing, listening, hearing, contemplating and most importantly questioning has created a beautiful storm.  When I say beautiful I mean it in the way that Matt Damon and Ryan Gosling are beautiful.  When I say storm I mean a storm, caos, damage and possibly fire.  It feels like the kind of storm that will bring peace at the end.  I hope so, I really feel like I am on the verge of breakthrough that will push my life toward happiness.  Time will tell.

Title: Song-Mystery Artist-Indigo Girls

Monday, February 6, 2012

My Arms are Crossed, My Hope is Lost

I just finished the movie 50/50.  It was pretty good, a little sad, but ended positive.  In this movie the main character gets a rare form of cancer at 27.  While he is suffering, his girlfriend cheats on him, his mom is overbearing, and best friend is trying to handle the situation but struggles.  His therapist wasn't much help.  He worked at appeasing his friend, he broke up with his girlfriend and ignored his persistent mother.

At one point as the movie was building up to the climax the main character, Adam, said that he just wanted it to be over.  Not necessarily life but the sickness.  If death was the only way out then that was worth it.  I have meet people in similar situations.  It is not common to hear about people who suffering from a sickness.  It is not easy to go through something that might end your life, especially when you want to continue living.

I relate to Adam in the sense that I just want it to be over.  I don't care how, just when.  My energy is drained. The unknown of the future keeps me up at night.  It is not if I'm going to live, its who's going to be in my life.  I'm not sure that many of the people who want to be will choose to be.  I've been told for the third time that I am not suitable to be around someone's child.

There are people who say that they will love me no matter what.  What does that love look like? I have friends that love me but won't let me be around their children.  My father tells me he loves me, but treats as a lesser being.  He has told me he loves me but he held a screwdriver to my face because I didn't close my door at night.  He has punched me in the face, given me welts, hung me from a door nob. Is that what love looks like?

I am tired of being the source of pain, worry and stress.  I'm tired of this "sickness." I wish I could take upon someone else's sickness, someone who could do more with their lives.  It's like what that EMT told me once, that I am wasting my life.  His wife is fighting cancer and I am waisting my life.  I really wish I could do better, be better. It needs to end soon.

Title: Song-I am a Stone Artist-Libbie Linton

Friday, February 3, 2012

If You Just Hold in Your Breath Till You Thought it Through You Foolish Child.

Last night there was a forum put on by the Provo peace forum about homosexuality and the church.  A question was asked about how our straight allies can help make the church experience more comfortable for us gays.  I didn't answer partly because a ton of people wanted to answer, but mostly I was not in an emotional state to be able to be the center of attention.  I still want to answer it though, to the best of my ability.

First being trying to put yourself in a gay person's shoes.  That might help you understand what comments and actions hurt.  Generating empathy within yourselves in any situations makes it harder to judge others.  In turn helps us to think more about what we say about others or a group of people.

To be more specific please refrain from comparing homosexuality to any other situation.  I am defining situation as a sin, trial, complication, struggle, etc.  It leaves too much room for hurt on our behalf.  Even the ones like single sisters are asked to remain celibate so we should too.  I understand that it might seem like a fair comparison and it wasn't meant to hurt.  The truth is its painful for me in the right context.  To me it shows the a lack of understanding.  The important difference is hope, a single sister can always have hope that it can happen.  A gay man like myself doesn't have such hope because it is forbidden.  If you must compare us to another situation please also contrast by pointing out the differences.

My pain is partially self inflicted.  By self inflicted I mean its in my head most of the time.  I am extra sensitive to other people.  I sometimes read too much into what a person says, how they say it, and what their actions are expressing.  It could be because of the church, my father, peers or many other variables that have contributed to my toxic shame.  I need my space from potential situations that cause me pain.  That is why I have chosen to not wear my garments, I have chosen to only attend sacrament, remove myself from BYU housing and more.

I am not trying to change some else's stance on homosexuality in a moral sense.  However I do want to change a person's stance politically.  I want to change the way person views and treats those of us who do not fit into the church's model, whether the person in question wants to fit or not.

Maybe its offensive to say that I want to change another person but relax I can't.  I don't know of a person who can.  Its up to the individual to make the changes.  I can help facilitate the change, but ultimately it is up to the individual.

Song: Genius Next Door-Regina Spektor

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Emptiness in this Soft Light

I learned along time ago that keeping painful secrets feed loneliness.  I kept secrets my whole life to keep the perfect son facade legitimate.  Obviously the big secret was that I am gay.  However there were other big ones, I was lonely, depressed, hurt, and I hated myself.

Everyone would talk about how much energy I had.  Even while I was seeing a therapist 3 times a week my roommates girlfriend thought I had such an incredible love for life.  That is how I wanted people to know me, as a happy person who loved life.

A person who loves life is someone right with God.  If someone knew I was unhappy they might find out that I was really a spun of satan because of my sexual affinity for men.  Being gay is not what makes up a perfect son.  I need to be a perfect son so I could be validated.

Other's knowing who I am would prevent myself from feeling my existence was justified.  I was struggling just to keep up with the demands that were expected of me to prove my worthiness.  Being open about my sexuality would drastically decrease the odds of achieving my goal.

So this facade created a loneliness that is deep.  I don't quite understand it.  I can be with a group of people who have expressed love for me but still feel alone and unknown.  Maybe what I'm feeling is not properly labeled as loneliness.  I think it is a combination of loneliness and worthlessness.  I feel worthless so I isolate myself, then I feel lonely.  My loneliness testifies of my unworthiness thus creating a vortex that is bound to carry a person to an emotional hell. Its that vortex that makes life so difficult, I can't seem to get out.