Before I crashed a few years back, I lived my life with a facade. I hid my pain and sadness from every soul. I wasn't always good at it, but by the end of my sophomore year I became an expert. Then after my first suicide attempt I started to open up and let people about hear about my pain. As I peeled away the facade the pain became increasingly unbearable. I pushed to the other extreme where I was not able to hide my pain. I learned in my discussion that these painful feelings are meant to fluid as with all feelings. At this point I am holding on to them. These feelings need to be recognized but not kept.
Its like a giant tub I'm sitting in where the water is constantly running with the faucet out of my reach. I have no control of the flow, the intensity or rate. I can try to deflect it but the effort is not practical. This water collects until it consumes me. I have two choices. I can let it consume me and share the same fate as Whiney Huston or I can take the plug out. I chose to take the plug out but the water is draining at such a slow rate, but just enough to keep me alive. While it is still draining the energy it takes to keep myself from drowning may be more than I can handle. That's where I am, anxiously wading. I don't understand why this water just won't leave faster. At times it feel like it isn't draining at all. Then I learn that there is some obstruction in the pipes preventing proper flow. Because the water is stagnant I am stewing in my own filth and desperately want out. I need the water to continue to flow. I have options I can continue wading, be patient and hope I have what it takes to see it through or I can try to fix it. I've been trying to fix it but so far its only improved in minor ways. I need to find the right way to unclog this drain so the water can flow.
In this analogy the water is my pain. I ignored the fact the pain was collecting a failed to do something about it. When I was no longer able to ignore it, I opened a dialogue. However there was something out of my control, but I may have been the cause of the obstruction. Removing the obstruction is pertinent to my success in this battle. I need to allow the pain come, acknowledge it, and let it pass. Those are the skills that I need to develop. Holding on to the pain has led me to make decisions that were not productive in regards to the goals I have set for my life. Those poor choices are the filth I have sit in and it take time the consequences to pass.
Now the work begins. I am unsure exactly the work involved but I am willing and ready. Thankfully I feel like I have an example of someone who is in the place where fluidity of emotions exist. It gives me hope that I can be in the same place. Part of what made the future so daunting is the knowledge that I was going experience these same emotions over and over with the possibility of eventually drowning in the pain. Consequently committing suicide to attempt to end it hurt. The work I have put into this recovery would been in vain. There would always be something incredibly disparaging. However allowing myself to experience the bad emotion without holding on to it allows me to experience the good emotion properly. I can experience my life rather than trying to use a series of destinations to experience happiness. I understand what it looks like when people say not to let your circumstances dictate your life.
Title: Dashboard Confessional-The Shade of Poison Trees