It's Just That its Delicate

I've heard the story over and over.  You were being set apart to be in Boy Scouts at church.  You were told if you were faithful then you would be given a son.  After six girls, I was born.  No one at home believed that I was a boy.  Mom had given up on having a boy and she had all the old girls clothes ready for me.

I imagine that you were so happy that you finally got what you wanted.  I was a gift from God, an answer to your prayers.  I don't know what its like to have a child or to wait for a son after so many girls.  My imagination leads me to believe that it might have been one of your favorite moments.  My presence meant that God was pleased with your service.  That he wanted you to have me, he trusted you.

So when did I become not good enough.  What is it about me that made you so angry?  What could I have done differently?  Was I too sensitive?  Not boy enough for you? I honestly tried to make you proud.  I worked hard to do things that would please you.

I knew you loved the church and very dedicated to it.  I dedicated myself to the church in spite of the pain it caused me.  I choose serving you as opposed to following what ever inclination I had.  I've tried to reach out to you time and time again.  I am left hurt.

Tommy came along and his existence seemed to be enough for you.  You choose him over me many times over.  Now Tommy is married, has a child.  He is fulfilling your dreams for your family.  I see how proud you are of him.  I listen to the non verbal words you express when you speak of him.  I see your eyes light up when you talk about your daughter in law.  I can imagine what it'll be like when you come for my graduation and interact with Zach.

Tommy is the one you expected when God promised you a son. I know when you envisioned your future son that he would at the very least be straight.  I tried to be.  I wish I could.  Maybe then when you speak of me your eyes would light up.  I could give you a daughter in law and grandchildren.  I have failed.