Tonight I'm thinking about a time when I took an ambulance ride to the hospital for a suicide attempt. While we were riding to the hospital and one of the EMTs was yelling at me. This man was yelling at me for attempting to take my life while his wife was fighting for hers. His wife had cancer and was afraid she wouldn't make it.
Immediately guilt came over me. I felt so bad for his wife. She had a husband who obviously cared for her, probably some children. I think he mentioned children but I don't remember everything that night. Any way, I remember thinking I wish that I could give her my life, as if time on earth was a tangible commodity. I wanted to explain myself to him, but just didn't have the energy. I felt like shit. I hated myself and didn't have the energy to fight with this EMT.
This man didn't understand the pain I was going through. He just added to it. I hated myself and wanted it over. This EMT just added to my pain. I wish I could have some words with this man. I want to know what the hell he was thinking. Why did he feel it was necessary to talk to me that way while in such a vulnerable state? I still feel like shit because of the things this man said. I hope that this was a some sort of tactic to see what state I was in, like when my first psychiatrist attacked my mother.
If by some one in a million chance this EMT reads this and know that it was him. Thanks for adding to the mountain of guilt in my life. I appreciate it really in the most sarcastic way possible. I still feel large amounts of guilt. Even though no matter what I would have done I wouldn't have been able to take your wife's cancer away. In my twisted fucked up mind I feel like if I kill myself, I also kill your wife. I didn't have enough reasons to feel like I was worthless.
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