She's Gonna Set Me Free

The old "would you take the straight pill?' question came up tonight.  Of course a person's answered as you'd expect... "no."  The reasons were also the same cliches I've heard before (not that they weren't genuine).  If I was to answer I would say "hell yes!"  Why wouldn't I?  There are so many complications and struggles in life to force growth.  Why make life more complicated than it is.  If I was going through dialysis because my kidneys weren't functioning, I'd want to simplify my life with a new kidney.  I can still live by having an external machine perform as a kidney, but if there was an option to make my life easier I'd take it.

Think of all the complications that would absolve due to becoming straight.  For me that would be one less thing for me to feel guilty about.  One less thing that would disappoint my parents and other loved ones.  One less thing for my Dad to hate for.  I could marry a woman honestly and make my father proud by giving him another daughter in law.  I could have children in the traditional way.  I have a million things to feel guilty for, so many other ways I've disappointed my parents.  So yes, I'd swallow that pill.  The guilt or better defined the toxic shame being alleviated is enough.  

Many talk of how they have rid themselves of the guilt for disappointing their parents or anyone due to their sexuality.  The process is never really defined.  It appears that its a magical event that happens unexpectedly and seemingly by chance.  I can't believe that, I just don't have the patients to wait for an unexpected exoneration of the guilt.  There must be a process to which I can find worth in my existence. 

I have been working hard to rid my self of the burden of self hatred.  I was unsuccessful at harnessing the shame to a managing level while at BYU.  Now I have to start over with a new therapist. I will have to give the background.  I will need to test the reliability of this new therapist. I don't want to do that agian, but my situation is deteriorating.  I have too much time on my hands and consequently my mind wonders about life.  My mind wondering rarely ends in positive emotion.  

I am tired of guilt, pain, and loneliness.  I'm tired not feeling worth of another's kindness.  I'm tired of praying to ask God to kill me.  I hate that many times when I begin my personal prayer during the administration of the sacrament, I am begging God to end my pitiful existence.  I am tired of working hard to be at least marginally worth of the love of others.  I am replaceable and probably should be.