Just a Sad Song With Nothing to Say

Whats going on in my life, nothing and everything at the same time.  While that is contradictory nothing is going on because I don't really do anything, but in my frontal lobe everything is happening. I was initially feeling a lot better after graduating and being done with the tyranny of BYU.  Not having a job is not helpful to my emotional wellbeing.  

I'll start with the nothing.  I don't have a job, I don't have school, and I don't have a social life.  I am searching for a job and admittedly not hard enough.  My insecurities and fear are feeding the anxiety.  So I watch dumb stuff online and go to the gym.  My social life... huff.  Well I can only be mad at my self for being so fucking shy! I could blame it on the fact that my social life always revolved around school and church and now I don't have that.  However, I still have USGA and when I go I freeze up and want to be left into a corner and just listen.  I barely made it last night.  There are people who have reached out and tried to get me to break out my shell.  They invite me to do things, talk to me, engage me at a party when I'm completely silent.  I tried but for whatever reason I can't seem to relax.  So here's my apology to them.  Out of privacy I will re-frian from using your names, but sorry I'm borring as hell.  Maybe one day when I gain a little more confidence I can be fun again.  You guys are great.  I understand know wants to be around the boring, sad man.  

As for everything, I got into a little bit.  I hate myself, I don't understand how people get past the guilt and the shame.  I hear stories over and over again about people who say the just let it go.  DAMN IT! How they hell did you do that? I want to so bad. I look at other gay guys and they look good.  They have these nice bodies, great smiles, etc.  I know I look great for where I have been, but I am flabby.  I'm probably being too superficial, but I am attracted to a guy who is muscular.  I love big biceps, I love abs, I love good chest.  So I need to be the person I want to date.  But I can't seem to control this binging.  I just want to eat and eat all the time.  I need to get back to meeting with a therapist, maybe group again, and I need to take social risks.  To my past therapist who might be reading this you are just going to get over my language of "I need, " but to please you enjoy the next dialogue. 

It would be nice to be able to go to USGA and be sociable. I would prefer to go to a party and be good company.  I can't do any more of this non definitive language. 

So to conclude on a positive note.  Today I hope to get to some things accomplished.  I would like to call those numbers I was given to ensure that I can continue on the Wellbutrin and get a new counselor.  I hope to get a good work out in.  Get my marker board make a plan and pound that pavement in search of a job.  If any of you feel the need to text this lonely sad sack, feel free.  I'm probably at the gym or catching up on last night comedy line up.