Friday, August 24, 2012

I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well.

So it's been a long... long time since I've posted on my blog.  Fortunately its because things have changed.  So I will list some changes.

     1. I am now 29.
     2. I may make finance for the Air Force my career.
     3. I am starting to like fish.
     4. I have a boyfriend.

So number 4 is the biggest change, but my father would argue that its I'm starting to like fish.  So yes I have a boyfriend.  The progression from where I was at the end of May to now has been exponential in regards to my psyche.  I believe it first started with the It Gets Better video.  At first it was hard being that vulnerable.  Then I started to feel good, because of the love that was directed toward me and mostly the feeling of being truly authentic was more of a reality.

Then Pride weekend happened, the overwhelming love and support I felt from not only the gay community but from the LDS community as well.  And yes, that is when its started with Kevin... my boyfriend.

This is where I explain how I went from being single to having a boyfriend (skip if you'd like to "This is where..."). As cliche but at the same time unique it maybe it started on the dance floor.  There was a connection between us as we danced, then grew as we spent pride weekend together.  I even spent the afternoon with his mother.  As we spent more time together we our connection grew.  We connected over checking out men at a pool party.  We connected watching a drag show at a club that night.  We connected over admiring Dustin Lance Black as he presented USGA with a courage award.  We connected by being the debbie downers for Braidan and our love for health.  As the weekend came to a close I knew I was crushing on him.

The next two weeks were this overwhelming and mutual sense of desire to be together.  The connection we had developed was so strong and obvious we both were questioned by fellow USGAers, including to but not limited to the Queen of USGA, what was going on between us.  I was waiting for him to make a move, but he was probably doing the same.  I eventually got the courage to ask him out despite his expression to not want to date anyone until he graduated.  With some encouragement from Braidan, I asked Kevin out.

Our first date started out very uniquely.  We were interviewed for a newspaper in regards to the It Gets Better video.  When we said our goodbyes to the reporter and his photographer.  He asked if we were together.  The rest of the story went remarkably unoriginally into a relationship.

This were I explain why my life is so much better.  Through cultivating a relationship with Kevin I have gained more self confidence.  Affirmation in regards to my decision to date men.  Improved my spirituality and more.  The two most influential items on the list where experience a part of the human experience I had not and I have returned to the Mark who can not sit still long enough to watch a movie without falling asleep.

The romantic connection I have tried to create with in my self for very worthy women came intuitively with Kevin.  The development of our relationship was natural, unforced yet nurtured, and based on authenticity.  I now feel like I understand straight people.  It was nice not to choose a girl to date and then proceed to design a protocol to turning her into a girlfriend.  It always ended the same, the connection I felt never grew past friendship for me.  I am thankful but apologetic to all the girls I have dated but failed move into a relationship that ended in marriage.  This Hollywood romanticism has been  a wonderful addition to my life experience.  When I say wonderful, I mean it as great but also full of wonder and awe.

So as a result of this relationship I hate myself less, gained a new significant life experience, grown closer to God, and become the bubbly, out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  Except this time I was the honest bubbly out going Mark I was in high school and before my fall.  I never knew that a person could be this happy.  I never understood that this type of relationship was so helpful and important for my life experience.  Now that I am in the know, the probability of a death due to natural causes is high.

Even if Kevin and I break up next week (which is highly unlikely) I have gained a new hope.  I have many people in my life to thank.  I have let them know of my gratitude and will continue to let them know.  So Kendall and Misty you are arguably the persons who saved my life (I shouldn't forget my therapists).  The day that you two finally meet... which will be sunday.  I will title "the meeting of the gods."  While Kendall and Misty seemed to have been essential through this journey.  Many of you have been helpful.  Whether it has been words of encouragement, someone to talk to and/or lovingly challenge me, an offering of different perspectives, being my boyfriend (wink, wink), etc.  Know that you have changed my life for the better.


  1. After all the emotions and struggles of these past hellish years, I am thrilled for the happiness you feel now. Doesn't happy "taste" so much better, more intense, and completely satisfying after being lost in the dark so long?

    So so happy for you!

  2. (hug) May it ever continue to blossom into something greater.