I learned along time ago that keeping painful secrets feed loneliness. I kept secrets my whole life to keep the perfect son facade legitimate. Obviously the big secret was that I am gay. However there were other big ones, I was lonely, depressed, hurt, and I hated myself.
Everyone would talk about how much energy I had. Even while I was seeing a therapist 3 times a week my roommates girlfriend thought I had such an incredible love for life. That is how I wanted people to know me, as a happy person who loved life.
A person who loves life is someone right with God. If someone knew I was unhappy they might find out that I was really a spun of satan because of my sexual affinity for men. Being gay is not what makes up a perfect son. I need to be a perfect son so I could be validated.
Other's knowing who I am would prevent myself from feeling my existence was justified. I was struggling just to keep up with the demands that were expected of me to prove my worthiness. Being open about my sexuality would drastically decrease the odds of achieving my goal.
So this facade created a loneliness that is deep. I don't quite understand it. I can be with a group of people who have expressed love for me but still feel alone and unknown. Maybe what I'm feeling is not properly labeled as loneliness. I think it is a combination of loneliness and worthlessness. I feel worthless so I isolate myself, then I feel lonely. My loneliness testifies of my unworthiness thus creating a vortex that is bound to carry a person to an emotional hell. Its that vortex that makes life so difficult, I can't seem to get out.
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