I had a great visit with my sister Rebecca a couple weeks ago. Ever since then I haven't been able to recover. My physical state is adequate but my emotional mindset got out of control. I stopped working out, running and studying. I started to eat all I could and didn't enjoy it. However I needed something to fill the pit in my stomach. I would have moments where I would push my self to be productive but the longest lasting upswing was only one day. Most of them only lasted hours. Something she said bothered me. She told me that we all want to be the one, but we will never feel that way in this life. We will have glimpses of it but never achieve it completely. I assume those glimpses come from our relationships with others. Since none of us are perfect yet we can never fulfill that desire to by the one and only. I recognized the logic and felt the truth of that statement.
I'm guessing that she told me that because she knows my strong desire to a companion in this life and the obstacles that are preventing it. I'm sure wanted me to have a more realistic expectation in case I am blessed to marry and have a family. It helped initially, but it didn't at the same time. I didn't make any sense to me. I marriage is treated as the most important mortal relationship. There is so much I will miss not being able to have this kind of relationship. I won't have a consistant companion. Nor will I be able to have that sort of connection with anyone in this life. Why is this so important to me? There are many who struggle with similar situations but they seem to find happiness.
I realized I was in search for more than just becoming the one and only. I don't want to feel alone anymore. The truth is ever since my family and I moved to El Paso Texas I have almost always felt that I was alone. Even when I am with the people who love me most I often feel alone. I go to a University with overly friendly people, attend a church where kindness prevails. Live in an apartment where my roommates genuinely care.
Even though I have been honest with family where genuine love prevails, I still feel a disconnect. I always thought that loneliness would be lost as a relationship with my wife would grow. The connection would grow throughout our lives and into the next. The only relationship where this is possible is a marriage. I may have to wait until another life.
A marriage relationship also can bring out the much needed validation I seek. I have spent my life seeking for validation that my existence is worth the trouble. I try to treat others better than I treat myself, partly to seek the validation and I don't feel worthy of such treatment.
I realized my purpose in life was to be the best contributor to God's plan as I can. My purpose was to marry, be the best husband I could be. I was to have a family and be the best father possible. I was to teach and learn from my wife. I was to be able to have a significant relationship with someone who would help be more like Christ. I was to have children to direct the to be Christlike.
The reality is my purpose in life has seemingly impossible barriers to overcome in this life. So what is my purpose without a family? What is my plan? How will I find happiness and grow. How will I become more Christlike?
Could this be the reason I can't seem to find happiness? I have yet to experience a relationship that ends the loneliness. I have had and still have great friendships with family and those I consider family. However circumstances change and the friendships change with it. The temporary partial connection is lost and I have to start over with new relationships. Who or what do I live for? How is happiness for me to be achieved in this life? Unfortunately the answers are currently unknown.
Our purpose in life is not often the direction we think we're going in. If I were you, I wouldn't give up on marriage until you're 100. And as for loneliness and validation, that's not something a spouse can fix. Those things have to be fixed from within yourself with the help of Christ and the Atonement. When I realized that Brian couldn't give me these things, it was severely depressing to me and I pretty much withdrew myself. And then while I was expecting Alan I came to realize that I did, indeed, love myself. After all of the emotional and mental abuse I lived through growing up, I finally realized that my interests and the things I enjoy aren't things that I should deny myself. You and I aren't being held back by anybody but ourselves. We can do it!
ReplyDeleteIf you want, maybe you should drop by sometime and we'll write therapeutic letters to ourselves and the fathers who made us fear being ok with who we are. And then we'll burn them. Sound good?