So yesterday I was feeling so good. I had a great race, endorphins were flowing. Then I had a great meal from the best restaurant in Provo... La Jolla Groves. My Saturday was so good that Sunday had to be as well. But damn it I was wrong. I have got to figure out a way to level out these up and downs better.
I'm sure the cause of my high and lows are a due to where I put my worth. I only feel good when I feel good about myself. I only feel good about my self when I achieve something. Something external is the only way I know how to validate my self. I know that validation of my existence should come from a divine nature, but it doesn't. I was conditioned at an early age to only believe that my worth only came because of what I did or accomplished.
I know that exercise and good diet are a perfect way for me to control my mood. However it only works perfectly if I am perfect at it. I have too many unrealistic expectations with results. I am too extreme with it and can't keep it up. I need to figure out something, my life depends on it.
Mark i can't believe you liked that place!my objective opinion is that it wasn't good, my personal one is that i totally hate it!One day you'll have to come over for dinner at my place!
ReplyDelete....did my comment level your extremes? did i make your saturday bad as well :) j/k
Man you have to stop and really look around and try to find and appreciate the small things.....says the hypocrite in me , you know i'm in the same shoes...it sucks!
Well, putting all your self worth in accomplishments is something you and I have in common. But God has been steadily stripping that away from me, forcing me to take an honest look at who I am without those things. It's nice that we should get our self worth from God, but I struggle to know exactly what that means? I am a child of God, and that should be enough to give me value? But it doesn't. Why? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out. I got a little closer to what that really means when I started hanging out with my nephew. In his eyes, my only role is "Auntie", I'm not the college graduate to him, not the vet tech of an east mesa clinic, not the relationship failure, the bad daughter, the athlete, the aspiring author, the inactive mormon, the roommate, the majorly depressed girl that hates her own reflection, no, I'm just "Auntie"--his "Auntie". I can do no wrong in his eyes, and nothing is wrong with me in his eyes. I am to be loved and adored and admired. My only job is to do the same for him. When you put in terms of how he sees me, why wouldn't I value myself? Maybe that's how God sees us, and He is asking us to see ourselves through his lens. Maybe it's just getting ourselves to believe even if we actually do absolutely nothing of significance, and still be as wonderful as God thinks we are. I also think of my future children and how much I plan to love them for no reason other than they will be all mine, and I will get the privilege of watching their lives unfold. I think of my beloved grandma, Helen Haddock, who I adored for the same reason my newphew loves me. I have read her life story and of her accomplishments, and find myself saying, "ya, ya, that's all great," but I already loved her before I knew anything more than just the fact that she is my grandma. The whole, "You'e of worth because youre a child of GOd", still is a little too vague for me, but I try to put it in terms of what I mean to the people I love and love me.
ReplyDeleteI think you're right on Liz and Deborah. My biggest problem is being able to apply my logic to my emotional part of the brain. They are so disconnected.
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