Jupither - I Kissed a Boy

I came across this song today... I like it.

Little Wet Tears On Your Baby's Shoulder

Its late and I should be sleeping, but I really wanted to write this while my emotions were raw to promote more honesty. I just finished the TV show Parenthood, one of my favorites. When I watch it I like to watch it alone, or with someone I trust. That's kind of a weird requirement of mine, but I have good reasons. Parenthood is a drama about a family and the interactions as life happens. I get emotional just about every episode.

My emotional intensity varies depending on my company. When I am around people I only know on a superficial level my emotionality is held back. When I am alone I feel safe, thats when the most intense emotion is expressed. For example, tonight I was teary eyed most of the episode. The tears came for different reasons, out of pain, envy, sadness, and even pride. I'll even cry at the Office or Parks and Recreation. The genre I am currently viewing isn't as much as factor in determining my emotionality as one would guess. Content and company play much bigger role.

When the content is focused on families, compassion, emotional intimacy, and/or emotional pain I become emotional. However company plays a bigger role. Society has really conditioned me to hid the sensitive side of me. Since I'm gay the stereotype suggests that I should be more emotional. Its a good thing I am not a stereotype.

I like to watch shows that get me emotional by myself because its a form of coping. I allow my self to relate to the characters, feel their emotion. In feeling their emotion I consequently feel mine. Since I am such an introverted person when it comes to negative emotion, I need an outlet to feel. TV shows like Parenthood is another cathartic experience other than music.

I say adieu, the gabapentin has set in. It supposed to help with pain as well. Its too bad that it doesn't help with the frontal lobe pain that is way too frequent. I hope I will be capable of having a relationship with a guy that I can star in my own version of parenthood.

This is Fact not Fiction

Today is national coming out day. I thought about coming out on Facebook. Then I realized that the reason I don't use the phrase "I'm gay," or any other combination of words that define my sexuality, in my introduction is I want my sexual orientation be a part of my identity, not the defining factor. Coming out experiences often lead to using sexual orientation as the dominate identifier when pointing out or describing an individual.

I don't want to hide my sexuality, even though I do sometimes. I hide it because of worry. I worry that my relationships with others will change in an undesirable way. I worry about the thoughts that go through people's head when they find out. I worry about people trying to "help" by telling me about some article about homosexuality from the brethren. My pronouncement is a quote from a personal archived mental newspaper, not the latest headline. My worry of being kicked out of school or my apartment may seem irrational. In fact all of my worries may seem irrational. The truth is they come from learning about other's experiences or previous personal ones. So my worries have validity.

I want to be defined by my interets, likes and dislikes, abilities (even though they are few), personality, and any other aspect of my life. * Warning the next few sentences will be cliche, I'm sure you've heard it before.* If I were straight I wouldn't be defined by my sexuality, but since I'm gay some use it as the identifier. I have said it before, I want to be known as Mark May, not the gay guy in the ward (or whatever group I am associated with). I am not a stereotype and don't want to be treated as one. The LGBT community is just as diverse as the straight community. I don't like Glee, Lady Gaga, or project runway. I do not like Halloween as stated in a recent Facebook post. However, I have been described as domestic. I dress some of my sisters and am often the source of fashion advice. One of my favorite movie categories is "Drama." So I do fit some of the stereotypes, but not all.

I realize that the existence of this post contradicts the message. I have pronounced my sexuality in the post and dedicated precious minutes of sleep to discuss it. The sacrifice of sleep speaks volumes. However talking about being gay is what makes it into a non issue. The familiarity of something tends to conjure up apathetic sentiments. So I will post this and once again say, I prefer kissing dudes, therefore, I'm gay.

Can I Sail Through?

Lately I've been doing this behavioral reward system to help me get through this final semester. I feel stupid for having to resort to this method, but if it gets me out of BYU then I'll do it. So far it has helped me be productive. I'm glad that I am being productive, but at the end of the day I feel dispair. When I use the phrase "at the end of the day" I don't mean it literally. I mean that regardless of my productivity I still am depressed, sad, and left with the question in my head "what's the point?"

I feel like I am in cycle that I will not be able to break from. In this cycle I push myself out of my comfort zone, I manipulate my mind in whatever way necessary to be functional. It lasts for a time, then somehow I am dragged back into world that where my OQ score* is the only thing that has a positive. My hope for fixing this problem is not there. My sister is putting so much time and energy to help ensure my success.

My drive for fixing my will to live is fueled by guilt and obligation. Currently the source of my guilt is lack of happiness, that is paid for by my work and others as well, but is not recieved. I am working hard to achieve at least a sense of apathy, but am only achieving a day of productivity. When people look at it on my google calendar it is easy to imagine a character who is going places. The reality is that behind the schedule, complete with hours of study and 2 hours of an endorphin overdose,* there is a only a person who doesn't see the point of working this damn hard to go to bed with a personal death wish.

For now I start my day with masking the pain with manipulation. I collect the energy from the guilt, obligation and external sources. Finally expend the energy through out the day after each itemized task is fulfilled on my schedule. I get through it. I try the same pattern the next day. This pattern takes an initial internal hope that this "push" is worth it. That hope is being expended, I'm struggling to trust my sister and others that it will get better.

Now is the time where I make a reference to a song, that in my fucked up mind is the current representation of what I feel. Although this song is not a perfect match, it does resonate. I am on a landslide, getting older, resisting change in relationships, I have turned around and built my life around you*. For now I will do my best to make those people, who are graciously loaning me their energy, proud.

*Definitions

OQ: a test I take before a therapy session that attempts to asses my emotional state since the last session.

Endorphin Overdose: My exercise program

You: the LDS church

I Haven't Got a Stitch to Wear

So I had my 10 year high school reunion, full of good and bad experiences. I was unsure if I want,togo because I of the emotional state I've been in, my lack of accomplishments, and the fact that I was sure people didn't know me. In high schoolmany people knew of me but never really knew me. It's not to surprising because I was no where close to open with anyone.

A group of us I'm the sober one.

First I'll start with bad stuff and get it out of the way. I hung out with my brother during the day. My Mom came and joined us as well. There were some awkward moments. At the reunion I was super nervous and it showed.There were many awkward pauses in conversations. I wasn't feeling confident. There were many instance where I was standing or sitting alone silent. It reminded me of how much I need to work on my confidence.

Stacy and I (ignore the creepy glowing eyes.)

The good part. It was good to reconnect with people. I got to chat with Jerri, it was great. She is one of my favorite people from high school. We went to prom together and had a blast. Stacy is another person I was excited to see. I learned she had a big crush on me in highschool, I think she felt comfortable telling me that after I told her I was gay. I loved reconnecting with people who I didn't think I would.

Ajiaga and I (She kept running her hand through my hair.)

The best part was that I was comfortable with being gay. I didn't feel judged, I didn't feel like I had to be someone I'm not. I felt authentic and the oppression was lifted. I want that here, I want to be able to joke about the gay genes I inherited, the ways I fit the stereotypes, and any other funny aspect of being gay. I want my response to the question "would you date her?" to be "I like dudes." I just want the oppression to end. I have less than three months left here at BYU and then its time to move on. It'll time for the oppression to end. I will be able to be myself, to search for a life partner. My search will finally be the right sex. I will be able to work on creating a life of happiness, integrity, and love.

Jerri and I (She is still Beautiful)

I kind of hate how incredibly cheesy that was.

The Climb Can Kill You Long Before the Fall

Last night I finished it. I finished the Lord of the Rings. That tale is probably one of the greatest stories written. Even though I watched it over 4 or 5 days it felt like a marathon. This trilogy is 652 minutes long, thats 11 hours and 22 minutes. I can't believe that my Brother would watch them back to back. I guess making the chain mail and downing Dr. Pepper helped. Because I am an internal thinker, I have reflected a lot of this movie.

Things have been going down hill since I came back from vacation. It started with me being anxious about my parents visit. My parents came, validated my fears, and left. After there departure things took a turn worse than I had thought it would. Although the binge eating had already started it went to a whole new level. I started to eat until I got sick, then when I felt better I would eat until I felt sick again. My exercise went from being consistent to inconsistant and practically non existant. I was starting to skip classes. When I'd go to class I would have extreme difficulty concentrating on the lecture. I wasn't studying at home or doing my homework. I have gotten behind in class.

Watching LOTR inspired me. I know its dumb that a fictional story would do that for me but it has. Although J.R.R. Tolkin denied that the series was not an allegory, it is to me. There were times where Frodo, Aragon, Gandalf, and others denied hope. In the end not only were they successful in defeating Lord Sauron, but most made pulled through alive. The inspiring part is that I feel like I am at the base of mount Doom. My energy is practically non existant. My desire is strong but my exhaustion limits my ability. I felt like I related to Froto's strong desires and the conflicting exhaustion. In the end Froto did destroyed the ring. He accomplished what he needed to do to ensure peace in Middle Earth.

There are many "rings" that I need to "destroy" or rather there are tasks that I could apply this inspiration to. Finishing school is a great contender, but being completely out seems to be the task that is of most importance. Finishing school is more like a step to being out and to everyone. Leaving BYU is when I will feel free. Feel free to be myself, to date, to dictate my life the best way I see fit. As a student here I feel suppressed, I feel pressure to keep my sexual orientation a secret. After I have the diploma, I can better explore and learn my new path of life.

Right now is a difficult time. My depression symptoms are up to levels that they were three or four years ago. I have anxiety and panic attacks, eating and television binges, and of course restless nights. I hope I can continue on like Frodo did. I hope I can carry this burden. Although I can not "destroy" my sexual orientation, I can destroy the complications that come with it. I can destroy the self hatred, the dispair, the stigma, the suppression, etc. After this destruction I can then re-build my life with hope, self worth, and expressions of love.

All Those Evening on the Back Deck...

Its 15 til 6 in the morning and I've been awake for the past couple of hours. Its amazing how insomnia messes with you. Less than a week ago was the first full nights rest I had with out any nightmares for a month. Last night I got bed at a decent hour and I wake up in the middle of the night not being able to sleep. So I decided to watch the Netflix movie I had, Conviction. It was pretty good. I left me a mess.

I am going through a cycle. The cycle began when I got stressed out by my parents coming to visit. The stress lead to anxiety, that anxiety grew and graduated to panic attacks. I was binge eating, not exercising, being too extreme in exercising (almost to the point of injury), avoiding studying, working on the research. I was loosing control of my self. Then my parents came. In this cycle the event I am worried about can either confirm or deny my fears. This time it confirmed. So I got worse, I honestly think I was in shock after my parents "gay-vention." Not the holy crap kind of shock, the clinical kind. Then I have moments of strength where I force myself to do productive things to get me out of the pain. They usually don't last long at first. I struggle for a bit as time passes the pain starts to subside and I'm able to start rebuilding my life again.

In conviction this women loved her brother so much that she fought for him for 2 decades. She dedicated her life to free her innocent brother from prison. In the end she won. In the end she was glad she did it. However in the middle of it she had moments of dispair, but she never gave up. Even when her own brother wanted to give up. I am impressed with her determination. I wonder what gives her that determination. I want that determination to get in and through medical school. However I don't know if I have it.

I feel like I ruined my possibilities by continuing through school while I am extremely depressed. I have made poor decisions that will make life harder, let alone getting into a medical school. I feel like I need to learn from someone to stay motivated and get that determination to succeed.

My motivation to do the things I enjoy have left me. I haven't wanted to anything. As weird or confusing as this sounds I haven't wanted to spend my time not doing anything. Yesterday in group I talked about how I hate when I get like this. It puts my back in my progress. The progress I worked so hard to have. For example, I was so close to my goal fat percentage and now I'm where I was at the beginning of the summer.

This movie gave me hope. Hope that I can recover from this hell that I am in. It will be difficult and many won't believe it to be possible. Maybe it won't be, but I know that if I work really hard it will bring to a place better than this. I spent my friday night alone watching a movie in my empty apartment. It wasn't because I didn't have places I could go to be with friends. I could have gone to my roommates hockey game, or a friends concert. Or even my favorite thing, just showing up at the Velour and to listen to whoever was playing. It was because I am so depressed that I can't open my self up to be around people.

This blog is the most I have been able to be open to people outside of therapy and discussion with close family members. I have a friend, well more than one, who wants me to open up more to people. Its not as easy for me as it seems to be for her. It took me 24 years to open up to the first person in my life. It was a therapist, then a family member. Even then I still didn't completely open myself to them. I am better now. I have a couple people that I am extremely open with. I just don't trust people. I especially don't trust their words, but I trust their actions and reactions.

My father would hit me and tell me he loved me at that same time. He would tell me that he loved me while he was yelling at me in a rage. He would tell me that he is proud of me and doesn't agree with my decision in the same sentence. The conflicting messages I received from him and continue to receive from him make it hard to trust.

I need openness not because I think its a good idea for everyone to know me. I need openness to discount the "what ifs" in my head. The "what if they knew, they'd think differently." rhetoric. I need to relieve the shame I inherited from my parents. I need to love who am not who I am trying to be.

Part of the rebuilding cycle often includes someone. This time its my sister Misty. She is able to do what my parents aren't able to do at this time. She is giving me the confidence to move forward. It has been nice to spend time with her, even though it has been short moments. Her presence gives me the confidence that I can get through this. That's what I lack the most at this point, is presence. The presence of a loved one who I trust. I hope that these moments I get with people I trust will keep me going until I have enough confidence in myself to minimize the cycles.

I already feel the post family blues and my sister still hasn't left yet. In fact later today I will have dinner with them. So I feel bad that I already feel abandoned. I know my sister loves me. I just seem to need more reassurance than a the average person. After this movie I gained strength and determination to work again for my happiness. I am going to use this visit from my sister, this reassurance of her love for me to participate in the part of the cycle where that self improvement happens.