At Every Occasion, I'll Be Ready For the Funeral

Graduation weekend is over.  The weekend was full of happiness and dispair.  It was great to see my family, for them to see where I have been the past few years.  In our family most visit the married people its nice that this single fella gets a visit.

It was nice to actually graduate, it has been a long difficult road.  It was nice to put on my resume, under education a bachelors degree.  It was nice that so many of my family came to show their support and excitement that I graduated. I liked showing my family my life in Utah and my campus, where I spent many, many hours.  It was nice to for my department chair to hug me when I received my diploma.  I enjoyed cooking for everyone.  I was glad that Ashley got to meet a lot of my family.  I loved running into Ed and sitting with him at the commencement.  Over all the weekend was a success.

On to the despair.  At the commencement I ran into a previous roommate and the greeting was awkward and different than normal.  We had shared many intimate emotional moments and had become good friends.  Previous encounters had been a little weird and thought he had caught wind about my sexuality.  This time instead of the usual hug he offered his hand.  If he doesn't want a hug I'm perfectly OK with that,  in fact I am rarely the initiator of hugs with straight guys.  I think the reasoning is clear.  However a handshake felt more of a way to prevent a hug.  Which implies he is uncomfortable with my sexuality.  I felt rejected.

Then I heard a group say "He's that guy in the video." So then I got really self conscience and insecure.  To add to my insecurity and self conscience as we were walking into the Marriott center we passed by the Deans, administrators and Elder Oaks.  I felt someone staring at me so I turned to look, it was Elder Oaks.  He is not one to smile much and his stern face was not comforting.  I nodded and turned away.  Then I wondered if he saw the video, and what did he think of it?

Once I was in Marriott center my mind went to probably my biggest fear, rejection.  I proceed to feel rejected from my Alma Matter, my religion, my friends, and the worst my family.  Even though I have been at BYU for an obscene amount of years I felt rejected by the community.  I don't fit one of the biggest parts of the culture, I am not dating or trying to get married.  The worst is I feel like I have to hide my sexuality to avoid awkward and painful experiences.  The secrecy only perpetuates the shame.

Rejection is what consumes my nightmares.  When I say nightmares, I speaking in the literal sense.  Because I have not been able to accept myself, I rely on the acceptance of others.  While this is not an ideal way to live, at least I'm still living.  Or at least that's what people tell me.  While I hope that I will get a better job, related to my studies and interests will bring more happiness, I hope that I will be able to accept myself.  The acceptance of my self needs to be all inclusive, it needs to include my flaws and talents.  When I honestly believe that I have an inherit worth all the circumstances in my life will become circumstances I experience, instead of devastating blows.

Over all the weekend was a success, despite the awkward moments with my parents and other tense moments with my father.  Family events, seeing friends I haven't seen or talked to in a while always is stressful for me.  I feel like I have to prove myself to them. Show them that I'm doing better, improving.  Because I am never improving fast enough, or feel good enough the title song always comes to mind.  Here is a link to the song, enjoy.


 Title Song - The Funeral; Artist - Band of Horses