War Child, Victim of Political Pride

Its conference weekend, I decided not to watch, or at least live.  Many conferences in the past couple of years have left me upset and hurt.  Not necessarily because hurtful things were said, but because of exclusion.  When I go to church, listen to conference, or participate in any church function I feel excluded. I haven't been told to not come to church or participate, however, my sexual orientation brings that tension.

The current stance on homosexuality the church offers is unclear, directionless, and unsatisfactory.  It has improved over the years, but the sentiment seems to be lagging.  I hear messages of love, understanding, and compassion among the members, but I feel judged, misunderstood, lonely, and ultimately excluded.  I might feel this way due to subliminal messages or because of my own insecurities.

As I walking to Harmon's with my sister last night, I saw many people who must have been involved in conference weekend.  The thought that kept going through my mind was "I used to be apart of this, I miss it."  I continued to think of why I have limited my participation.  I eventually told my self to remember all those times I came home from Church angry or desperately depressed.  The energy it takes to overcome these results seems more than I can afford, however, I miss feeling apart of my faith.

I miss feeling of inclusion I received from the Church.  Growing up I rarely felt included, due to my "differentness" and the fact that I was constantly the new kid.  At church I was always included, until I came to terms with my sexuality.  USGA has helped me to feel apart of community, but I still feel somewhat excluded (mostly due to me being weird and shy)

It all goes back to what my sister Sariah has said and what I have felt ever since I came out to myself.  Can I be happy in the church or without the church? It must be possible many have/are doing it.  I just wish it was a easy as PV=nRT.  So if you have a magical equation that makes it possible for a gay man striving to do the right things can feel content with himself I need it.  Until someone shares the equation and how to use it properly in my life I will be stuck a trial and error process to figure out how I am to exist as a Christian.