You Set Up Your Place in My Thoughts, Moved in and Made My Thinking Crowded.

Tonight I'm a little depressed, but not the debilitating kind I'm used to.  Last week was pretty shitty.  I was filmed while suicidal.  Scary, not only did was it one of the most vulnerable situations in my life, it is likely going to be seen many.  I express some things that I have only said out loud three times in my life.  The first time was during that intense panic attack in group, the second speaking with my sister.  I'm afraid of the reaction of a particular few who witness it.

When I share words that express my true emotion to other people, the emotions become much more real.  When I just tell myself these things I can reason the emotion away or simply ignore it.  The following days became increasingly painful and unbearable.  I had fight with the person who has been my biggest support.  It wasn't an argument, but we were frustrated with each other.  I stonewalled for a few days.  I felt so alone, I moved up my "due" date to March 1.

Then there was the Provo Peace Forum.  When I saw how dedicated Dr. Bradshaw was to his son, I cried. I wish I could feel that from my father.  Dr. Bradshaw is dedicating an enormous amount of energy to educate, research, bring understanding to others who don't understand me and my fellow homosexuals.  I just don't understand why I don't get to be the receiver of that love from a father.

Because I feel so much like a fuck up, I am terrified of loosing my family.  I feel some of them slipping away just because of the gay thing.  I have been trying to make up for being gay, but feel like I am failing at it.  The pressure to perform is increasing and my ultimate failure becoming evident.

I needed a distraction, Hulu wasn't working.  Exercise wasn't enough.  I knew of two ways that would help.  This first being drinking, but that would mean breaking the most important rule.  The risk of severe complications would not be worth it.  So that left me with eating.  I gorged myself, I ate until I was sick.  Once I didn't feel sick I would eat more.

Things started to turn around after visiting with a good friend.  She gave me a lot to think about.  She said things I need to hear.  I've been told the exact things she said, but this time I think I was ready for it.  Due to listening to a Mormon Stories podcast, a million questions came to mind while listening.  A letter from sister that was a bit harsh but full of love added to the flood of counsel and philosophies.

The combination of the pain, disappointment, binge eating, fighting, expressing, listening, hearing, contemplating and most importantly questioning has created a beautiful storm.  When I say beautiful I mean it in the way that Matt Damon and Ryan Gosling are beautiful.  When I say storm I mean a storm, caos, damage and possibly fire.  It feels like the kind of storm that will bring peace at the end.  I hope so, I really feel like I am on the verge of breakthrough that will push my life toward happiness.  Time will tell.

Title: Song-Mystery Artist-Indigo Girls