My Arms are Crossed, My Hope is Lost

I just finished the movie 50/50.  It was pretty good, a little sad, but ended positive.  In this movie the main character gets a rare form of cancer at 27.  While he is suffering, his girlfriend cheats on him, his mom is overbearing, and best friend is trying to handle the situation but struggles.  His therapist wasn't much help.  He worked at appeasing his friend, he broke up with his girlfriend and ignored his persistent mother.

At one point as the movie was building up to the climax the main character, Adam, said that he just wanted it to be over.  Not necessarily life but the sickness.  If death was the only way out then that was worth it.  I have meet people in similar situations.  It is not common to hear about people who suffering from a sickness.  It is not easy to go through something that might end your life, especially when you want to continue living.

I relate to Adam in the sense that I just want it to be over.  I don't care how, just when.  My energy is drained. The unknown of the future keeps me up at night.  It is not if I'm going to live, its who's going to be in my life.  I'm not sure that many of the people who want to be will choose to be.  I've been told for the third time that I am not suitable to be around someone's child.

There are people who say that they will love me no matter what.  What does that love look like? I have friends that love me but won't let me be around their children.  My father tells me he loves me, but treats as a lesser being.  He has told me he loves me but he held a screwdriver to my face because I didn't close my door at night.  He has punched me in the face, given me welts, hung me from a door nob. Is that what love looks like?

I am tired of being the source of pain, worry and stress.  I'm tired of this "sickness." I wish I could take upon someone else's sickness, someone who could do more with their lives.  It's like what that EMT told me once, that I am wasting my life.  His wife is fighting cancer and I am waisting my life.  I really wish I could do better, be better. It needs to end soon.

Title: Song-I am a Stone Artist-Libbie Linton