I Could Use a Turpentine Chaser About Now

I really don't know where I'm going to go with this... but I just know I need to express myself. So what do I feel right now... nothing. My mind has turned on its defense mechanism and blocked all emotion. Because I can't feel anything emotional I want to know I still exist. Which explains why my first thought was "this scalpel would be a perfect," when I was straightening the supply closet in the ER. I knew this was coming I knew my depression would come back. I just thought it would be later in life.

I have lost control. I have resorted back to self destructive behaviors. Its hard to leave the house at times. It just takes so much energy to care about anything. The good news is when I listen to music... good music, I am lifted. The lifting doesn't refer to my spirits, but to my despair from my soul. When a song speaks to me I can let it grab hold of my despair lift it from soul. When my despair is momentarily lifted I can not only see it, I can examine it. The melody grabs hold of the despair I feel and lyrics replace fantasies of death.

Even though I have a great family, I still feel so alone. I know they love me the same way Christ loves me but my psyche won't allow my body to feel it. Its not fair that I can't control who's love I accept. I need the control back and don't know how I lost it. Luckily my psyche will allow my iPod to grab hold of my soul and temporarily lift it from the my deep rooted despair.