Mark the Expected vs. Mark the ???

As I am going through this hell that I have been enduring these past 2-3 years, I wonder if I'll ever recover. I question my full recovery because this despair is all inclusive. The deep depression has paralyzed me figuratively and literally. I have learned a lot throughout this process. I've learned ways to cope and push through. Those skills are useful but only heal the symptoms. In order to go back to a sense of normalcy I need to find a solution. Unfortunately a solution is not written out in plain English. God gave his answers in metaphors and generalizations.

Through out this process of healing I have learned a few things. I first realized that I was constantly engaged in a battle with myself. I learned I was dishonest myself. But the most damaging thing that I have learned is... I'm not sure I know who I am. I had created an alternate identity that was everything I thought was expected. I made others interests my own and took control of my environment.

I know all the generic answers to who I am so please refrain from meaningless cliches like "you are a child of God." Even though the cliche statements are often true they lose their effect by overuse.

When I say I don't know who I am, I'm saying I don't know what makes me unique. My looks make me perfectly unique, but my body doesn't define my soul. What are my likes and dislikes. Are my interests only developed to perfect my facade. Who is Mark the son of Donna and brother to 8. I would like to meet him, to know him and let him live.

Thankfully there are some aspects of my true self that I know and love. I know that I love music. Not that poppy crap filled with cheesy one liners and not even the carefully structured hymns (although some apply). The music that lifts me from the abyss is music with emotion. Music that if filled with tonal poetry. Music that uses poetry to tell a story, express an emotion, or bare the soul. I know that for many people music has the same effect, however for me it my only oasis. Nights like this one music is my savior. It brings back feeling to my numb soul. It expresses what I can't. Music even prevents self injury. Music has helped me escape so many dangerous situations including my death. So tonight to keep my heart beating I will let the lyrics rid my mind of thoughts of self destruction.

My First Work of Art... That I'm Proud Of

So this is something that I drew/wrote the other night. It may seem weird but it was very therapeutic for me. I thought it looked cool too. I'm no artist but I hope you can appreciate the art I was trying to make. I made it while I was listening to Dashboard Confessional. These are thoughts I had while I was listening to him. Any way I though someone would enjoy it.

Just Watch Paper Heart...

So I just watched the movie paper love. The movie is a hybrid between a documentary and story. I don't want to say too much about it... but I do think you should all see it. So watch the trailer. Then go rent it or put it on your netflix que. Here is the link.

http://www.paperheart-movie.com/?bcpid=19544619001&bclid=19855821001&bctid=19911092001

Bon Jovi Is Ruining Things... Sorry Misty

So I have looked at tickets to see Dashboard Confessional's new tour. I was a little annoyed to find that they will be opening for Bon Jovi. I can get over that. There is now way in hell that Bon Jovi even comes close to the quality of Dashboard Confessional. So whatever I'll leave or just crowd surf during his performance. The annoying thing is that Bon Jovi is going to bring with him annoying concert goers. The middle aged people who either have not given up on their glory days in the 80's (which i don't mind as much) or the middle aged couples who are trying to be fun by going. I have no objection for these people for wanting to go, but if you are going to save a space on the general floor you will annoy me. There will be pushing and spooning. That is how it is get over it.

The most frustrating thing about Dashboard performing with Bon Jovi is the ticket price. The general admissions tickets are 131 dollars with out the service charges. So if I go I can only be far a way. I am very disappointed. My favorite band is coming but is charging too much for the tickets and is touring with a 80's pop star. I know that my sister Misty may disagree with me. She is from the 80's. She and her husband would be the couple that has sense. I see her recognizing that she wouldn't want to deal with the pushing crowd on the floor. She would purchase tickets where she could be safe in a great seat. Sorry Misty Bon Jovi can be fun... but he never will take priority over Dashboard Confessional.

No One's Got it All

So there is a song by Regina Spektor that has really caught my attention. The song is called Hero. I heard it from the movie 500 days of summer. This movie is seriously so good. You should see it. Any way I'm not sure what the song is about, but by the tone and the few lyrics it seems pretty dreary. It seems to me that she is pointing out that everyone has flaws. The great thing about the lyrics is the questions it provokes.

One of my theories to the meaning of the song is one of our misconception of who the hero is. I think that she is talking about how America is only worried about our happiness. That America's assistance to others is really a vain pursuit. American's need to feel better about there uses of the abundant resources attained. So when she says "I'm the hero of this story, I don't need to be saved." Regina could be referring to the fact that she may not have all the average American has, but she has contentment.

Another thought that this song brings to my attention is about accepting that we have flaws. When I say accept I don't mean to keep our flaws. I am talking about accepting that we have them and its OK. The problem is not facing them and correcting to best of our ability.

I love music it is the best past time for me. I hope someday to share my love of musical poetry with someone. I love to analyze it and feel the emotion of the song.

I Could Use a Turpentine Chaser About Now

I really don't know where I'm going to go with this... but I just know I need to express myself. So what do I feel right now... nothing. My mind has turned on its defense mechanism and blocked all emotion. Because I can't feel anything emotional I want to know I still exist. Which explains why my first thought was "this scalpel would be a perfect," when I was straightening the supply closet in the ER. I knew this was coming I knew my depression would come back. I just thought it would be later in life.

I have lost control. I have resorted back to self destructive behaviors. Its hard to leave the house at times. It just takes so much energy to care about anything. The good news is when I listen to music... good music, I am lifted. The lifting doesn't refer to my spirits, but to my despair from my soul. When a song speaks to me I can let it grab hold of my despair lift it from soul. When my despair is momentarily lifted I can not only see it, I can examine it. The melody grabs hold of the despair I feel and lyrics replace fantasies of death.

Even though I have a great family, I still feel so alone. I know they love me the same way Christ loves me but my psyche won't allow my body to feel it. Its not fair that I can't control who's love I accept. I need the control back and don't know how I lost it. Luckily my psyche will allow my iPod to grab hold of my soul and temporarily lift it from the my deep rooted despair.

A Conversation With Myself.

If my life was a musical the following song would be appropriate. This is the song Water and Bridges by Dashboard Confessional. I broke it down into parts for My Persona and My Soul. Its a conversation between the two in Musical form. I also changed the word girl to myself.

My Affectation: There's things I know I should have mentioned sooner. But I didn't know how. I'm sorry I lost you, I never thought that this could come between us, I know its water and bridges now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around

My Affectation: This weight, these words are tearing me apart
My Soul: And that's enough for the back to break,That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away

My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man

My Affectation: I'll make the best of the best I can, And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance

My Soul: That face, I know exactly what you're thinking

My Affectation: But I'm certain this time is different

My Soul: And that's why I can't pretend that everything is mended

My Affectation: I know I've tried to for too long now
My Soul: But what's the sense in carrying around, This weight, these words are tearing me apart, And that's enough for the back to break, That's enough for a mouth to take

My Affectation: But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man, I'll make the best of the best I can
My Affectation: And I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: Oh save me from a grey life. Oh save me from a grey life
My Persona: I paid the price with my soul
My Soul: Oh save me. And that's enough for the back to break
My Affectation: That's enough for a mouth to take. But I've been paying for it since I drove myself away
My Soul: And that's the sign of a solemn man. I'll make the best of the best I can and I'll be better for it if I ever get my chance
My Soul and Affectation: If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance. If I ever get my chance.

In Case You Were Wondering... These are Names I Like

So I'm at the hospital and its slow. I started thinking about names for my future children. So I will list them.

Boys: Ender, Devin, Adonis, Marley, Emery, Clark, Poseiden

Girls: Amira, Kamila, Nadria, Athena, Hayley, Ira

I know that some of these names maybe out their, but I like uncommon names. I was talking to Misty and Colby about how I feel about names over the Christmas Break. I want my children to define their own name. Many people name their children after someone important to them. Even though I have nothing against it for other families. I've heard people talk about who they were named after their great grandpa or their favorite artist or whatever. Sometimes they talk about trying live up to that name. I just want their name to help represent their individuality. Also I hate middle names. There is not reason for them as far as I'm concerned. So their is a piece of my mind.